Dear Craig,

I'm well aware that it's been far too long since I've been able to sit down and write you a letter, but that's the nature of house guests and special occasions, isn't it? Yes, I believe so.

So where do I start? How about with last Wednesday's taping? It was fantastic! I had the best time and loved the fact that you're just as funny in person as you are on TV. You're even more handsome in person, too.

I was very excited about the trip up to Los Angeles to see the show
All I can say is, thank God you haven't had Ashlee Simpson on the show. I swear, after she started singing on Letterman tonight, I looked at my guest and said, "I guess now's as good a time as any to start smoking crack." A life of bad skin and rotting teeth would be so much better than Simpson's singing. Really. Again, I'm grateful that you've chosen interesting and diverse guests, Craiggles. Big hugs to you for that! (No props, I don't believe in them.)

Monologue: We're on good terms with the Chinese, mainly because one in five born is Chinese. Apparently, the Chinese have developed a spray-on condom. Interesting. Don't keep it on the same shelf as your spray-on hair, though. Anyhow, the spray-on condom is like a bouncer at a nightclub or the Star Trek forcefield. It's there, but...

It's a sad day when the big new invention is a spray-on condom, isn't it? It was probably easier to invent things back when there were fewer things available. "If only there was something to help us cross this river..."

Flowbee - cutting hair with an attachment to your vacuum cleaner. That would be horrible for you, Craig. I mean, you'd end up with a mouthful of hair every time you attempted to show off your didgeridoo skills.

Email: Jimmy in Carson City, NV, writes in to ask if you get brain freeze when you eat ice cream fast. Your reply, "No, but I have noticed that when I smoke marijuana, I get very high."

Sketches: Michael Caine in Space - "I can see down ladies' tops way up here."

Prince Charles: The Rather Late Programme, brought to you by the British Dental Association. Hysterical! The nag, Camilla...the teeth...the chair I saw in the hallway at CBS Studios...parchments...