Tonight, you announced your candidacy for the Presidency. You even picked a running mate, someone tough as nails - Clay Aiken. Maybe not. You need someone whose sex scandals involve women. No, you just need a sex scandal of your own. If you want to help start a scandal, send your photos to Craig@theinternet/google.org

But seriously, if you ran for office, you'd have a three point plan. First, you'd send Paris Hilton back to the Paris Hilton she came from. You'd put 50 Cent on the dollar bill to confuse foreign tourists and make them spend more. And finally, you'd change the law, from sea to shining sea, so governors from all across the country could marry each other. That makes about as much sense as anything else these days. Why not?

Since supporters of Schwarzenegger are looking to change the law to allow foreign-born citizens to run for president, you might have a shot. Once they've completed their mission, Arnold could finish his first term as president and you could be closing your stint as talk show host/governor. Yes, sir. And, with California's history of odd propositions, you could slip in one regarding men having to wear kilts. That would be good. It would keep men cool and make women hot. It doesn't get any better than that, Craiggles!

I have to say, I love when you mess with your sound effects. The cheeky wee monkey sounds were a nice addition! The cheeky little piggies sound effect was just strange, but fitting since you had mentioned Ned Beatty a few times during the monologue.

Email: Pete, New Durham, NH - "my wife loves the smell of the eucalyptus trees, what should I do?" Good golly, Miss Molly! Those things smell like a huge litter box when you have a whole grove of them. I know this because I grew up surrounded by eucalypts. Anyhow, your response had to do with koalas getting high off eucalyptus leaves, noting that the leaves do not have the same effect on humans. You know because you tried. Anything in the name of science, right? That's what I thought. You are just that giving, Craig. This is what your fans love about you.

On to your obsession with Spring Break Shark Attack - that fabulous made-for-TV movie about teenage lesbians in bikinis getting attacked by sharks. "We used to make movies like that in America. What went wrong?" Well, CBS has announced that they're making a sequel. "I want to play the part of the grizzled shark expert." Ha! You just want to be in the movie so you can play with the sharks. I know how that works. Okay, maybe it's the girls in bikinis. It's a tough call. Sharks vs girls in bikinis. Girls in bikinis vs sharks. "These sharks has gone crazy! They've learned to reverse."

First guest: Brenda Blethyn, star of Saving Grace and Pride and Prejudice. I did so love her in Saving Grace, as well as Little Voice.