Dear Craig,

The opening sketch with the Host Whisperer again...pirates. Arrrrrrr! Captain Craiggles? Hmmm...I should have copyrighted that one.

Monologue: "Thank God it's Thursday. Some people say 'thank God it's Friday', but not me. 'I can't live by your rules, man.'"

Then, on to Janet Jackson's naked sunbathing video showing up all over the internet. "If you see an email about Craig Ferguson's nude sunbathing video — it's a fake and it was a very cold day."

"Janet's trying to get a tan while Michael's trying to get lighter. It's ironic, it's true. I really don't understand the sunbathing in the nude thing. There are some areas of your body you do not want sunburned. If I wanted a painful, itching, and redness in my nether regions I'd spend the night with Paris Hilton."

Back to Jackson and her infamous wardrobe malfunction (which, in my opinion was clearly staged and meant to push buttons everywhere). "Thanks to her, I can't walk out here shirtless. I'm scared shirtless. My accent makes some words sound naughty."

It never ceases to amaze me what's allowed on television and what isn't. Like you, Craig, I just don't get it. Sometimes the censored parts end up appearing worse than they are. You cited Monty Python's three men in a bathtub routine: "'they wash their arms, they wash their legs, and they wash their [bleeeeep!]naughty bits[/bleeeeep].' Three men in a bathtub sounds like my house on a Friday night. Tuesday. Tuesday night."

Of course, the most difficult part of being a talk show host is introducing anything related to Meet the Fockers. With your accent, Fockers sounds like...well, we get the idea.

You didn't mention what words you think should be allowed on TV, but I'll tell you what I think - it should all be fair game. A cop running after a violent perp shouldn't have to yell, "Gosh darn it! You bad guy, stop!" The cop should be able to yell, "Hey, you little fucker, get your ass on the ground, now!" I don't mean that we need obscenities peppering everything, but when the show is about the gritty underbelly of life, why not allow a little leeway? We finally got "bitch" and "ass" approved. And, several (read: more than 10) years ago, I was watching a TV show called Civil Wars (starring Muriel Hemmingway) and one of the characters cried out for her husband to look at her "tits". If it could be used then, why not now? And, why not the word "shit"? What's the difference? Why is "cock" or "dick" not allowed? I think it's just plain silly that any show airing after 9pm isn't granted a looser set of guidelines.