Dear Craig,

Yes! You're back! And, now, along with cousin Larry Appleton, we do the Dance of Joy!

Monologue: Halloween, of course. What's scary than Halloween? Taxes? Sure, why not. You don't understand Halloween. "You scare people and they give you stuff. That's not a holiday, that's extortion. Actually that is a bit like Tax Day, isn't it?" Trick or treat is a lot like extortion. Again, like taxes, "give us money!" Then you launched into a bit about a celebrity on your street: Bill Paxton. Or is it Bill Pullman? Honey, nobody can tell them apart, don't worry about it.

You don't get into the whole decorating thing. You leave out a little something for the kids. A bowl of dog food or something. Dog food for the kids? "It's good for their teeth and their shiny coats." Since you had to be at work during the trick or treating, you made sure your house was trick-proofed by egging it yourself.

Scottish candy - "we don't have terrible teeth for nothing, you know...Halloween in Scotland is very, very different. Actually, it's exactly the same." In Scotland, one didn't go out trick or treating, one went out "guising". Your standard costume was nothing more than a blanket, a sombrero, and a mustache. Yep, you got to be a Mexican. "Trick or treat, amigo." Indeed.

Now, do you spell it m.u.s.t.a.c.h.e. or m.o.u.s.t.a.c.h.e? Both are correct, but one is aesthetically more pleasing to the eye, don't you think? I'm not saying which one I like better, I'm just trying to make a point. Okay, I'm not really. Maybe the only point there is to make is that the root of the word mustache is from the Greek word moustakion. See? Everything comes from the Greeks. What? Too sharp for you? Did I hurt you with that one? Here, put some Windex on it. It'll be fine in the morning. Yes, on BlogCritics, we tackle the tough questions in life.

Craig, you also said you weren't that into Halloween. "Look, I come from a country that has...everywhere you go, there's ghosts and haunted castles and...you can't move for ghosts and creepy swamps and everything in Scotland!...Mr. and Mrs. Dracula lived down the street...We thought The Addams Family was a documentary."

One of the side effects of death is a scary voice. I think the reason for that is the fact that ghosts don't have lungs anymore. If you can't breathe, how can you get any real force behind that diaphragm? (No, not that diaphragm, you naughty little donkey, the other diaphragm.)

Back to spookiness and ghosts and hauntings and the like, right? Your studio is haunted. By Bob Barker. And he's not even dead. When you're a couple thousand years old, you don't have to be dead to be scary. But seriously...