Dear Craig,

It's good to be back home again. I've missed you. I'm still catching up on my taped shows. Later, dearios, later.

There's only one problem tonight: your show's a repeat. Okay, it's not so much a problem because this is the one I missed a few weeks ago (September 23, 2005) when the VCR pooped out on me.

Monologue: You want your ass slapped. No, not because you're into sports, but because you're naughty. Eh, it's really a combination, isn't it? I'm not even touching the faked orgasms - I prefer real ones, thank you very much.

You attended your first baseball game with Drew Carey in Cleveland. You know what? That's the best way to do it. You go with a big TV star to his hometown ballpark and get treated like royalty. Anyhow, the Cleveland Indians rock! I grew up in Cleveland and have always maintained a love for the team. I think it's law. But back to the game with Drew. Stadium mustard and strippers, what's not to like? However, the image of them offering to put the mustard on the hot dog the way you demonstrated it is quite disturbing. I don't think that would be mustard so much as...oh, never mind. I grossed myself out with that one.

I've never been to a Dodger game. Living in San Diego, I get the Padres. Fun stuff.

Teaching your son to throw a baseball is an admirable thing. Don't worry about throwing like a girl. I think I'm in the same bind these days. With my back injury, I haven't exactly been playing much lately. Seven or eight years of softball and now I have nothing to show for it. It doesn't matter. Your child always admire you and your abilities regardless of actual skill. I'm living proof. My son thinks I'm wonderful - most of the time

You mentioned attending the Superbowl here in San Diego a few years back. The Greenbay Packers vs. the Denver Omelets. Hehehe. Having lived in Colorado, that delighted me to no end. Did you know that one of my childhood friends was responsible for the music that you heard during the fireworks show the night before? Yes, indeed. And, I know the folks who did the fireworks, too. I've worked with them in years past for the 4th of July displays. Yep, I'm that sort of woman. Not this year, though - see a few paragraphs up for the back injury explanation.

By the way, the David Beckham comment was very funny - "we don't let girls play professional soccer in Britain, except for David..." I never knew he moisturized. I'll have to store that one in the old gray matter databank.

I think you need to share photos of your days playing rugby. C'mon, you know you should! Do it for your fans.

Email: Glad to know that I didn't miss you reading my email that night.

Skits: New CBS show - I Want to be a Village Person, this time milkmen, dentists, farmers, and plumbers were represented. The most influential group of the 20th century? I almost had to fake my own orgasm over that one.

Then, on to Celebrity Grab Bag: My Plans for Fall - Bill Clinton ("I'm going to be wearing a scary mask for Halloween - Hillary"), Kenny Chesney ("This Fall, I'll be working on a sad song for my new album. What rhymes with Zellweger?"), Renee Zellweger ("Oh, Kenny, you had me at fraud"), Kim Jong-il ("I'm going to stay warm by snuggling up in front of a nice warm nuclear reactor"), Kate Moss ("do I look fat?"). Much silliness, much appreciated. Glad I finally got to see it. I love the bits where you get to put on wigs and slam celebs. It's perverse, but I enjoy it and I freely admit it.