I've been resisting jumping on the Bashing Bandwagon over the new series of Desperate Housewives, but... well... a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do. Here's when I knew it was time to get tough: Mr Teletart and I were discussing what-had-gone-wrong with the show, while the show was actually on.

And so, in the interests of television science, I now present my theories re the Demise of the Not-So-Domestic Divas.

1. No one's keeping secrets anymore. Series One was brimming with delicious skeletons-in-closets and hidden pasts (who was Mike, really? why did Mary Alice die? what was under Paul Young's swimming pool? what was Mrs Huber hiding?) Series Two... well, there's that ridiculous prisoner-in-the-basement story. Oh, and no one yet knows that George killed Bree's husband. Except us, which kinda takes the fun out of it. Apart from that, not so many mysteries. The delightful twist in the soapy premise - that dark things lurk beneath the surface of even the most idyllic suburban neighbourhoods - is no more. Now we gotta lotta soap, and hardly any dirt to wash out.

2. Stories are spinning their wheels. Watching Susan vacillate on whether to be with Mike... not so interesting. Watching Gabrielle clip clop her way in and out of the prison visiting room... yawn. Bree wants to keep George at arm's length... seen it before. Lynette has another family crisis that might take her away from work... zzzzzzzz.

3. I just don't believe them anymore. If you invest a character with enough truth, they can do crazy things and you'll buy it. Bree, for instance, in one of the few great moments from this new season, changes the tie on the corpse of her husband - during the open-casket funeral. I laughed, and I believed it. But Susan, newly committed to Mike, finds the son he's desperately been looking for... and then lies to him about it? Fie on you, contrivance! Susan and Julie are actually regular churchgoers, who perform in 'family' concerts? Since when? Does Gabrielle actually do anything other than strut around feeling horny, acquisitive and/or angry? As for Gabrielle and Carlos's storyline - they've never had any real connection as a couple, so why are we supposed to care about them now? Don't even get me started on Betty Applewhite and her son.

4. No more group hugs. This has been mentioned elsewhere, but what happened to seeing the girls together? They used to interact, support each other, and most significantly, gossip. I never really bought them as fast friends, but it was nice to feel the show had some cohesion beyond the individual stories. Maybe it's meant to be symbolic. Us girls start out as pals, but throw some fame and a few People covers our way and suddenly it's every beeyotch for herself.

Come on Marc Cherry! I know you're tired. I know you've worked hard. I know you're singlehandedly responsible for every second of Desperate airtime we've enjoyed and you're almost burned out and you need a holiday. But now is not the time to rest. Now is when you must stand strong for your country, and shoulder the task before you. You must serve, so that we can once more laugh, and enjoy our Sunday evenings. You must be proud, and patriotic. You must save the Desperate Housewives.

------------------------------

More catty teletart analysis and tasty treats: Long Plastic Hallway