OPINION

Is He "The Loser", Or Is He Dad?

Written by Teri Stoddard
Published October 15, 2005
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They must not have met fathers like Jeffrey, who described his time with Deonna to me like this, "Even though my little darling is getting quite heavy now, I still carry her 1.2 miles around the neighborhood each time I'm parenting her. This 'bonding time' is so special to me and I refuse to use a stroller as I wish to hold her up close to my face so we can walk along and 'converse' and 'look at all the pretties', (trees, flowers, other walkers, airplanes, etc.) I think she likes it because daddy can still hold her up high for extended periods of time - something she doesn't get too much these days at 21.5 months of age." Then he added, "I recall walking this very same trek around where I live every night when I was prevented from being with my baby, balling my head off and praying for divine intervention."

And if they doubt that fathers can love children as much as mothers do, they have obviously never met Bill Numerick, a 26-year-old father who is in love with a son he's never even met. His ex-girlfriend married another man before she gave birth to their son just over two years ago, and due to the current laws in Michigan her husband was automatically named as the father. Bill has been fighting to be a father to his son ever since. Bill is rightfully proud to be part of shaping a new bill, (Senate bill 0436), that will prevent this from happening to any other father in Michigan. He told me, "One thing I dread to imagine is Caleb thinking that I don't love him and that I just walked away without a second thought. To me that is one of the most freighting things I can imagine. As close as I am to my father I couldn't fathom the emptiness I would feel had we been kept apart while I was growing up." You can get updates on Bill and Caleb on Bill's web site.

Shared Parenting As A Solution

In 1987 Dr. Joan Kelly wrote, "The primary negative aspect of divorce reported by children in numerous studies was loss of contact with a parent." In Surviving the Breakup, Kelly and Judith Wallerstein wrote, "The emotional stability of children of divorced parents is directly related to the quality of their continuing relationships with both of their parents. We have repeatedly described the dissatisfaction of so many youngsters who felt they were not seeing their fathers often enough, If custody and visiting issues are to be within the realm of the 'best interest of the child', then such widespread discontent must be taken very seriously."

California resident Kelly Bray, 48, is dad to two little boys. He and his wife have been separated for five years and are finalizing their divorce with the help of a paralegal. He told me, "My wife and I have been doing shared parenting from day one... We never prevent the other from participating in anything to do with the kids. The kids have a stable environment; they know where they will be every day. They have the love of two parents, and intimate time with both. It is more like 70/70 than 50/50 to the kids, and that is what counts. Do you have to like your ex-spouse? No, we cannot stand each other, but the kids never know... The trick is to love your kids, more than you hate your spouse. That can't be that hard, just look at them... just look at them... They are waiting."

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Teri Stoddard is a single California grandmother who advocates for families. She co-founded the Respite Center for Parent and Child, and offers Shared Parenting Works, a blog Feminist4Fathers, and a free online peer support group Single-Parents- to help parents co-parent. Email Teri at Teri@sharedparentingworks.org.
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Is He "The Loser", Or Is He Dad?
Published: October 15, 2005
Type: Opinion
Section: Politics
Filed Under: Politics: Law and Rights, Culture: Society, Culture: Family and Relationships
Writer: Teri Stoddard
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Comments

#1 — October 15, 2005 @ 23:23PM — Aaman [URL]

Suggest moving to culture, apart from family politics, not much of politicking here, methinks:)

Good article - well-structured.

#2 — October 16, 2005 @ 01:18AM — Jeremy Swanson

A Brilliant article. Teri Stoddard stand among the best of the best among our supporters-someone who saw the light a long time ago and is not only not afraid to admit it she is actually doing something about it. A better ally we will never find.

Swannie

#3 — October 16, 2005 @ 15:32PM — Lary Holland [URL]

Absolutely a wonderfully written and supported piece describing many of the aspects and misunderstandings that Fathers in today's custody disputes have to face. Thank you for this contribution.

Your contribution in its own right has slowed the erosion and hopefully will over time reverse the damage of today's misinformed public policy against Dads.

#4 — October 16, 2005 @ 15:46PM — Darla McKinstry

Kudos to Teri! Great article, with great insight, and self evaluation!

To see a woman write such an article stirs more emotion than can be believed.

Thank you!

Carry on fathers!

You have much more support than you know! And many more are coming forward to speak out.

Children need you in their lives! Both parents! May more and more begin to believe it, and stop the idiots in the Justice System from making money off peoples suffering, and marital breakdown.

Bravo!

#5 — October 16, 2005 @ 15:48PM — alfred watson

A really good article. The divorce industry operates without conscience to deprive children of one parent and both parents of any money they have.

They will rape the family even where children are not involved as their system allows them unrestricted freedom to do as they please without accountability to anyone.

They took $1.2 million from me. I have no recourse.

#6 — October 16, 2005 @ 15:49PM — 1Potato

These stories are as heartbreaking as they get. Sure there are jerky guys out there, but I don't think the anti-male crowd realizes how the poisonous atmosphere hurts a lot of the sincere, loving type of guys. The results also hurt children, I think more so girls. Women estranged from their fathers seem to have a deep seated sense of loss their whole life.

Let's demand fairness in court for everyone.

1P

#7 — October 16, 2005 @ 16:21PM — wonder_woman

Doesn't it strike you as odd that three of Teri's children's dads took off? Now she wants us to believe they were all bad dads? Come on! Get real! position Teri would have taken then?

#8 — October 17, 2005 @ 04:57AM — LovingFather

A great article....but just one of the latest of many that have appeared before with the same message. Unfortunately, no one takes notice of these. Jamil Jabr and others like him who risk their lives, freedom and liberty in non violent demonstrations are the ones that have brought this agenda to the forefront in todays politics. I was a member of of the Father 4 Justice group in UK when we threw condoms at Tony Blair, climbed and paid a visit to her majesty the Queen and issued our own sermons at the York Minster in front of the Archbishop. It is actions like this that will actually get the decision makers take notice. If any one wants to help change these barbaric laws then join Jamil Jabr and his organisation in the US or the REAL FATHERS FOR JUSTICE organisation in the UK. Many others fathers rights movements have been trying it for decades to have the law changed and all they have done is sit on the committees that come out with these unjust laws that discriminate against FIT parents (mostly fathers)
http://www.realfathersforjustice.org

A loving Father to a 7 yr old daughter
kidnapped by the lying twisted and demented mother, assisted by the corrupt family law system. Onwards and forwards with the fight to be part of my daughters life (just as she has asked for)....... JUSTICE IS COMING....

#9 — October 17, 2005 @ 12:20PM — carmine

Great article here!
Shortly after my divorce some fifteen years ago, discovered that it would be easier for me to raise another man's child than to see my own. I was dating a woman, BRIEFLY, who hated her child's father but found it fine for me to spend all the time I wanted with her son. Simultaneously I was barred by my most malicious ex from seeing my own son who was being raised by yet some other man. My ex wanted to destroy my son's relationship with me so she could re-locate. In the end it all worked out and now I see my sixteen year old about 1/3 of the time and he is doing very well. It only cost me about 50,000 over some eleven years to accomplish this.

The majority of child abuse is done by mothers and their non-related partners. Still the courts think it is fine for a non-related man to spend more time with your children than you can. My solution? THROW OUT ALL THE JUDGES. PUNISH ALL THE COURT APPOINTED PSYCHOLOGISTS. Focus your anger where it will do some good. We really do have to fight back to protect our children from court abuse. I am convinced that every time a court-appointed psychologist or father-hating judge loses his or her job an angel gets its wings.

#10 — October 17, 2005 @ 15:16PM — John Doe [URL]

Fantastic article! Thank you!

#11 — October 17, 2005 @ 15:41PM — John Doe [URL]

Fantastic article! Thank you!

#12 — October 17, 2005 @ 23:17PM — Phil [URL]

.....then call it something else instead of Parental Alienation Syndrome which only distracts the focus further from the needs of the child. Lets learn from child advocates to the south of their experience with PAS.
link
link

#13 — December 7, 2006 @ 06:52AM — George Stancliffe [URL]

The people who set the agenda to create fatherlessness through unjust divorce courts and child custody laws are those who are Marxist in their orientation. The radical feminists are almost all Marxists. Don't be fooled by what they SAY, just watch what they DO. These people will never be swayed to support fair child-custody laws, because this would conflict with their Marxist agenda.

#14 — December 7, 2006 @ 08:35AM — Bliffle

"I cringed."

You didn't speak up? You didn't confront? Would that have been too uncomfortable?

You didn't do anything really material. Just wrote an article.

So what happened, Teri? After all the years you spent defaming your childrens dads, did your own son get screwed in the divorce mills? So now you've changed sides, not, apparently, for any love of justice and search for truth, but because it hurt someone near you, and thus hurt your own refined feelings and elevated self-opinion.

You haven't changed. Think on it.

#15 — December 7, 2006 @ 10:43AM — Teri Stoddard [URL]

Bliffe,

For you to write these words, it shows me you know very little about me. You don't know enough to make these judgements.

Have you seen my blog on Mens News Daily? Have you seen my website Shared Parentng Works? Did you know I testified in Sacramento for AB1307, the 2005 Shared Parenting Bill? Do you realize I assist grieving, alienated parents and work with several organizations for family law reform, on a daily basis? I think not.

I have made contact with my exes, except one who can't be found, and we're all on good terms.

When I was at the party I made the personal judgement not to confront the young woman. It wasn't my place to disrupt a 4-year-old's birthday party. If you'd read the entire article you would have read that I did, in fact, talk to two women there about four different cases. I believe I gave them good advise, without upsetting a child I care about.

I don't know what has you upset, but if you'd care to write to me privately I'd be happy to try to assist you.

Teri

#16 — March 21, 2007 @ 00:26AM — chad lyons

this was an article i strived to find, knowing others feel the same way i do. If i did not intercept an affidavit to be filed by my wife and allow her to know that all the accusations she made against me on a sworn affidavit from her, I would be the one suffering, trying to find a way to prove I was not an abuser or a batterer nor was my daughter afraid of me. I called her on the testimonial she was about to serve and file with the courts to have me restrained, she never filed it due to the fact that it was false. But, since I moved out for my own welfare as she was the one that battered me and emotionally abused me, I am now suffering the justice system as well. she has changed all locks on the doors and denies me from talking to my daughter who is my life by not answering the phone. she allows me to talk to my daughter for 5 to 10 minutes before bedtime one to two times a week. she has already started the manipulation process with her, telling her i wanted to leave becuase i didn't want to be with her anymore. I can not stop it because i moved out before the divorce papers were served. I am now unable to retrieve and mail that was sent to the house, see my daughter unless okayed by her, and she has all personable beloningings in her care until a verdict has been reached..absolutely unfair. It is to the point that my daughter never really wants to speak with me nor is excited to call or hear from me and it is comming from her mothers manipulative ways as well as from her parents. She has all ready told the neighborhood children and parents i am a ticking time bomb which is absolutely false and have all taken her side and i am avoided. this is really hard to digest and it feels good there are others who are trying to change the laws

#17 — March 21, 2007 @ 21:42PM — OM

Teri -

This was a good article by a person who seems to be saying that she did wrong to innocent fathers and children, and now she's trying to put it right. I'm glad you've turned your life around, reached out to your (three? four?) exes, been somehow absolved by your children of these many fathers, etc. When I was being shoveled into the Big Divorce furnace by another breathless member of the sisterhood, I hated women like you. I don't any longer. I feel pity for you, and sorrow for the legions of innocents whose tiny lives were forever damaged so that "empowered women" could chase their fantasies of revenge and personal freedom. I suffered every indignity you describe and then some. Lost my precious, precious daughter, my home, my property, my retirement, my job, my health and finally, my mind. Got the last one back, thank god. And I have never been out of my child's life, but terrible choices had to be made - including relocation to another state for employment - so that I could continue to be the sole source of financial support in my child's life. God bless you in your new mission of peeling the mask of nobility off of the rotting skull of Big Divorce. Hope you're not too late...

#18 — March 21, 2007 @ 22:23PM — Teri Stoddard [URL]

Please have a look at my more recent work and visit my blog on Mens News Daily.

Glad I can help!

At least 3 of my 4 exes hold no grudge against me, and in fact share the responsibility with the demise of our relationships. I'm close with one and pretty close with another. I'm on good terms with one I rarely communicate with. If I had to guess I'd say the one I can't locate feels equally responsible too.

Love you guys! On behalf of the women out here... we really truly didn't see it.

And we're so very very sorry.

teri

#19 — September 27, 2007 @ 16:34PM — Bill

Teri,

Did you know that Jefferey Shipman, father of Deonna Shipman actually abducted is daughter in July 2007. FBI is still looking for him and the daughter. If you know anything about their whereabouts, you should let the FBI know.

Bill

#20 — February 4, 2008 @ 23:01PM — Joel

Good to see there is a woman out there who can see how much we love our kids. I know I will never father another because the pain of watching what they go through is to much. I never understood the the proverb 21:19, untill divorce, God Bless you, Teri

Joel

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