Is He "The Loser", Or Is He Dad?
Published October 15, 2005
At the time, all I knew was that I had divorced men who had deserved it, as far as I was concerned, and they were proving exactly how bad they were by abandoning their children. My only choice, as I saw it then, was to be the best single mom I could be; to fill in the gaps, to play both parental roles, to make sure as best I could that my kids felt loved and wanted. I chose a career that allowed me to work from home. I supported my family and provided my children the benefits of a stay-at-home mother.
But while I was enjoying close relationships with my children I also knew they were missing something. I resented my ex-husbands for rejecting them, and for any disadvantages they experienced by not having two parents in their lives. Those kids deserved another cheerleader on their team. So if the name of one of my ex-husbands came up in conversation I did not hesitate to use a term like "the loser."
I have since learned what it is like for a father to go through the family court system and how it can negatively impact the relationship with his child. I've also learned that any parent is vulnerable to injustice and any parent could lose contact with their child after going through the current family court system. What I learned is shocking.
A newly separated or unmarried father might think that he is doing everything by the book; he might visit or care for his child regularly, or as often as the mother will allow, he might think he should wait until the court hearing to start paying child support since no amount has been set, especially if the mother of his child has applied for welfare, because paying her directly isn't allowed. He might go into court expecting to come out with a fair joint physical custody order, especially if he has been providing much of his child's daily care. He might expect that any child support order that may be made against him would start that day. Many good, fit, responsible, loving, dedicated fathers, and some mothers, are completely overwhelmed by what happens next.
As Jeffery Shipman, 44, a New York father to 21-month-old Deonna, told me, "It is, simply put, like being raped. You're raped financially, emotionally, and in terms of your health deteriorating - physically as well. You walk out of the courtroom perplexed and bewildered; shaking your head in disbelief while thinking "This can't be happening!" But it is. It is real life. It is cruel. I recall walking out of family court one year ago a broken, broken man."
The Myth of Deadbeat Dads
- Is He "The Loser", Or Is He Dad?
- Published: October 15, 2005
- Type: Opinion
- Section: Politics
- Filed Under: Politics: Law and Rights, Culture: Society, Culture: Family and Relationships
- Writer: Teri Stoddard
- Teri Stoddard's BC Writer page
- Teri Stoddard's personal site
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Comments on this articleComments
A Brilliant article. Teri Stoddard stand among the best of the best among our supporters-someone who saw the light a long time ago and is not only not afraid to admit it she is actually doing something about it. A better ally we will never find.
Swannie
Absolutely a wonderfully written and supported piece describing many of the aspects and misunderstandings that Fathers in today's custody disputes have to face. Thank you for this contribution.
Your contribution in its own right has slowed the erosion and hopefully will over time reverse the damage of today's misinformed public policy against Dads.
Kudos to Teri! Great article, with great insight, and self evaluation!
To see a woman write such an article stirs more emotion than can be believed.
Thank you!
Carry on fathers!
You have much more support than you know! And many more are coming forward to speak out.
Children need you in their lives! Both parents! May more and more begin to believe it, and stop the idiots in the Justice System from making money off peoples suffering, and marital breakdown.
Bravo!
A really good article. The divorce industry operates without conscience to deprive children of one parent and both parents of any money they have.
They will rape the family even where children are not involved as their system allows them unrestricted freedom to do as they please without accountability to anyone.
They took $1.2 million from me. I have no recourse.
These stories are as heartbreaking as they get. Sure there are jerky guys out there, but I don't think the anti-male crowd realizes how the poisonous atmosphere hurts a lot of the sincere, loving type of guys. The results also hurt children, I think more so girls. Women estranged from their fathers seem to have a deep seated sense of loss their whole life.
Let's demand fairness in court for everyone.
1P
Doesn't it strike you as odd that three of Teri's children's dads took off? Now she wants us to believe they were all bad dads? Come on! Get real! position Teri would have taken then?
A great article....but just one of the latest of many that have appeared before with the same message. Unfortunately, no one takes notice of these. Jamil Jabr and others like him who risk their lives, freedom and liberty in non violent demonstrations are the ones that have brought this agenda to the forefront in todays politics. I was a member of of the Father 4 Justice group in UK when we threw condoms at Tony Blair, climbed and paid a visit to her majesty the Queen and issued our own sermons at the York Minster in front of the Archbishop. It is actions like this that will actually get the decision makers take notice. If any one wants to help change these barbaric laws then join Jamil Jabr and his organisation in the US or the REAL FATHERS FOR JUSTICE organisation in the UK. Many others fathers rights movements have been trying it for decades to have the law changed and all they have done is sit on the committees that come out with these unjust laws that discriminate against FIT parents (mostly fathers)
http://www.realfathersforjustice.org
A loving Father to a 7 yr old daughter
kidnapped by the lying twisted and demented mother, assisted by the corrupt family law system. Onwards and forwards with the fight to be part of my daughters life (just as she has asked for)....... JUSTICE IS COMING....
Great article here!
Shortly after my divorce some fifteen years ago, discovered that it would be easier for me to raise another man's child than to see my own. I was dating a woman, BRIEFLY, who hated her child's father but found it fine for me to spend all the time I wanted with her son. Simultaneously I was barred by my most malicious ex from seeing my own son who was being raised by yet some other man. My ex wanted to destroy my son's relationship with me so she could re-locate. In the end it all worked out and now I see my sixteen year old about 1/3 of the time and he is doing very well. It only cost me about 50,000 over some eleven years to accomplish this.
The majority of child abuse is done by mothers and their non-related partners. Still the courts think it is fine for a non-related man to spend more time with your children than you can. My solution? THROW OUT ALL THE JUDGES. PUNISH ALL THE COURT APPOINTED PSYCHOLOGISTS. Focus your anger where it will do some good. We really do have to fight back to protect our children from court abuse. I am convinced that every time a court-appointed psychologist or father-hating judge loses his or her job an angel gets its wings.
The people who set the agenda to create fatherlessness through unjust divorce courts and child custody laws are those who are Marxist in their orientation. The radical feminists are almost all Marxists. Don't be fooled by what they SAY, just watch what they DO. These people will never be swayed to support fair child-custody laws, because this would conflict with their Marxist agenda.
"I cringed."
You didn't speak up? You didn't confront? Would that have been too uncomfortable?
You didn't do anything really material. Just wrote an article.
So what happened, Teri? After all the years you spent defaming your childrens dads, did your own son get screwed in the divorce mills? So now you've changed sides, not, apparently, for any love of justice and search for truth, but because it hurt someone near you, and thus hurt your own refined feelings and elevated self-opinion.
You haven't changed. Think on it.
Bliffe,
For you to write these words, it shows me you know very little about me. You don't know enough to make these judgements.
Have you seen my blog on Mens News Daily? Have you seen my website Shared Parentng Works? Did you know I testified in Sacramento for AB1307, the 2005 Shared Parenting Bill? Do you realize I assist grieving, alienated parents and work with several organizations for family law reform, on a daily basis? I think not.
I have made contact with my exes, except one who can't be found, and we're all on good terms.
When I was at the party I made the personal judgement not to confront the young woman. It wasn't my place to disrupt a 4-year-old's birthday party. If you'd read the entire article you would have read that I did, in fact, talk to two women there about four different cases. I believe I gave them good advise, without upsetting a child I care about.
I don't know what has you upset, but if you'd care to write to me privately I'd be happy to try to assist you.
Teri
this was an article i strived to find, knowing others feel the same way i do. If i did not intercept an affidavit to be filed by my wife and allow her to know that all the accusations she made against me on a sworn affidavit from her, I would be the one suffering, trying to find a way to prove I was not an abuser or a batterer nor was my daughter afraid of me. I called her on the testimonial she was about to serve and file with the courts to have me restrained, she never filed it due to the fact that it was false. But, since I moved out for my own welfare as she was the one that battered me and emotionally abused me, I am now suffering the justice system as well. she has changed all locks on the doors and denies me from talking to my daughter who is my life by not answering the phone. she allows me to talk to my daughter for 5 to 10 minutes before bedtime one to two times a week. she has already started the manipulation process with her, telling her i wanted to leave becuase i didn't want to be with her anymore. I can not stop it because i moved out before the divorce papers were served. I am now unable to retrieve and mail that was sent to the house, see my daughter unless okayed by her, and she has all personable beloningings in her care until a verdict has been reached..absolutely unfair. It is to the point that my daughter never really wants to speak with me nor is excited to call or hear from me and it is comming from her mothers manipulative ways as well as from her parents. She has all ready told the neighborhood children and parents i am a ticking time bomb which is absolutely false and have all taken her side and i am avoided. this is really hard to digest and it feels good there are others who are trying to change the laws
Teri -
This was a good article by a person who seems to be saying that she did wrong to innocent fathers and children, and now she's trying to put it right. I'm glad you've turned your life around, reached out to your (three? four?) exes, been somehow absolved by your children of these many fathers, etc. When I was being shoveled into the Big Divorce furnace by another breathless member of the sisterhood, I hated women like you. I don't any longer. I feel pity for you, and sorrow for the legions of innocents whose tiny lives were forever damaged so that "empowered women" could chase their fantasies of revenge and personal freedom. I suffered every indignity you describe and then some. Lost my precious, precious daughter, my home, my property, my retirement, my job, my health and finally, my mind. Got the last one back, thank god. And I have never been out of my child's life, but terrible choices had to be made - including relocation to another state for employment - so that I could continue to be the sole source of financial support in my child's life. God bless you in your new mission of peeling the mask of nobility off of the rotting skull of Big Divorce. Hope you're not too late...
Please have a look at my more recent work and visit my blog on Mens News Daily.
Glad I can help!
At least 3 of my 4 exes hold no grudge against me, and in fact share the responsibility with the demise of our relationships. I'm close with one and pretty close with another. I'm on good terms with one I rarely communicate with. If I had to guess I'd say the one I can't locate feels equally responsible too.
Love you guys! On behalf of the women out here... we really truly didn't see it.
And we're so very very sorry.
teri
Teri,
Did you know that Jefferey Shipman, father of Deonna Shipman actually abducted is daughter in July 2007. FBI is still looking for him and the daughter. If you know anything about their whereabouts, you should let the FBI know.
Bill
Good to see there is a woman out there who can see how much we love our kids. I know I will never father another because the pain of watching what they go through is to much. I never understood the the proverb 21:19, untill divorce, God Bless you, Teri
Joel
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Suggest moving to culture, apart from family politics, not much of politicking here, methinks:)
Good article - well-structured.