Dear Craig,

"It's hard to stay up, it's been a long, long day..." Once again, truer words have never been sung. Insomnia's a bitch and I'm her cranky little plaything. As tired as I have been all day, I look forward to our time together and wouldn't miss it for the world. Um, almost. I mean, I'll have to miss it for a couple of days next week while I'm out of town. Hopefully, I can get my fix while in Vegas, but there's always a chance I'll have to wait until I get back home before I can fully satisfy my urge for Ferg-uson. Oh my, that just so didn't sound as great as it should have. Oh well.

Tell me, darling, what's up with the bouncy, perky, happy, stuff? I'm not complaining, I only want an explanation. A small one. Or half your prescription of whatever it is you're taking. Especially today since I'm so tired.

On to the show!

Monologue: It's hunting season all over America. Nothing to hunt in Hollywood, except maybe weasels. I mention hunting because a Swedish hunter spent two days unconcious after being knocked out by a Canadian Goose. I'm still waiting for a duck, a goat, and a rabbi to round out the joke. But, it's not a joke.

If I were out hunting with my kid and got knocked out by a bird, I don't think I'd want it in the news. Yeesh! Knocked out by a kangaroo? Sure. That's newsworthy. Knocked up by a late night talk show host, definitely news. But, no goose. No thanks. (Unless you're offering to do the goosing, Craig.)

I'm sorry you don't like birds. Who knew? And here I was calling you my feathery little homing pigeon in last night's letter. Silly me. I'm telling you, it's a scary thing when you pick up something I've been thinking and use it on your show. Cue Twilight Zone music.

When you were doing your fox hunting bit, you rather reminded me of Vyvyan from The Young Ones. I know it was supposed to be more Prince Charles, but it reminded me of Vyvyan.

And let's talk about your silly mood tonight. My goodness, man! You were hysterical! You went from fox hunting to fishing to tongue piercings, you cuddly little Southern Hairy-nosed wombat.

Email: Dana got email read. Andrew got email read. You had a third email on the desk that you didn't read. I bet it was mine. The one about the spiders invading Scotland. That was a good one. You really should read it. On air. And say my name.

North Korea's in the news again. A visit from Kim Jong Il was in order. Kim Jong "Illin'", The Apprentice, The Simple Life: DMZ, My Name is Il, Survivor: Pyongyang. Hehe, My Name is Il. And the nuclear symbol on The Apprentice. Nicely done, Craigsy!

Then there was the whole bit about checkin' in with Chuck Norris on his new TV movie. Why don't we send him to North Korea?