SATIRE

In Case of My Disappearance

Written by Pete Petrisko
Published October 10, 2005

The case of missing Virginia Commonwealth University student Taylor Behl was solved, in large part, due to her online activities. According to police, the Internet "has emerged as a virtual tip machine that often maps the course of an investigation."

For better or worse, investigators now use Google and comb through public weblogs to gather information on both suspects and crime victims. Behl, whose remains were found a month after her disappearance, had a blog on Livejournal and an account on myspace.com. In fact, the alleged killer was among her 92 myspace "friends".

In case of my own untimely disappearance, I leave the following clues. It is a mix of truth, half-truths, and bold-faced lies. Any police investigator worth his salt should be able to suss out fact from fiction and solve the case of my disappearance - or at least find my decomposing body.

A girlfriend of mine wasn't too pleased with the world according to Pete - at least according to her. So she dumped me, quit her job, and ran off with an ex-convict. They were just like Bonnie and Clyde and we all know how that one turned out. Luckily her car broke down. That's what we call "delaying the inevitable." Now that I've mentioned all of this, she might one day be a lead. But I doubt it because, obviously, she's willing to settle.

I once killed a giraffe with my bare hands. Before you judge me, I think you should know he was pretty much asking for it - acting like he owned the whole goddamn savannah, throwing his weight around, putting on airs just because he could eat the highest-most leaves on the tree. Ok, maybe things got a little out of hand, but you know...shit happens...and the next thing you know, you've got a dead mammal on your hands. The rest of the herd witnessed my transgression but stood mutely by as it happened. However, giraffes have long memories. They're no elephants, but still...

I've been seeing a married woman. I hope her husband never ever finds out. That could be bad.

I was recently hanging out at a coffeehouse with some friends when this guy announced, "I haven't had sex in a year! I need to get laid." So I asked him, "What, is your hand broken?" He was so pissed off that he refused to shake my hand when I left. Which is probably a good thing, considering.

page 1 | 2
Keep reading for information and comments on this article, and add some feedback of your own!
In Case of My Disappearance
Published: October 10, 2005
Type: Satire
Section: Sci/Tech
Filed Under: Culture: Humor and Satire, Sci/Tech: Internet, Culture: Society
Writer: Pete Petrisko
Pete Petrisko's BC Writer page
Pete Petrisko's personal site
Spread the Word
Like this article?
Email this
Submit to del.icio.us Save to del.icio.us
RSS Feeds
All RSS Feeds (240+)
Comments on this article
BC articles by Pete Petrisko
Culture: Humor and Satire
Sci/Tech: Internet
Culture: Society
All Sci/Tech Articles
All Satire articles
All BC articles
All BC Comments

Comments

#1 — October 12, 2005 @ 00:20AM — mark

Your Blog is great. I suggest you add a few things. First is stinky pussy (which is all of them);second is Bird Flu; and last is a bash on Martha Stuart. Suggestions aside; loved your piece.

thanks
Mark

Want comments emailed to you? No spam, promise! Address:

Add your comment, speak your mind

(Or ping: http://blogcritics.org/mt/tb/37712)

Personal attacks are not allowed. Please read our comment policy.





Remember Name/URL?

Please preview your comment!

Fresh
Articles
Fresh
Comments