After the Texas Chainsaw Massacre remake that I thought delivered the goods, I was looking forward to getting to see The Amityville Horror remake. Boy was that an exercise in futility. And I suddenly lost interest in seeing The Fog remake. I don't remember the original to well on account that I was never to impressed with it and haven't bothered to see it again.

So this weekend I rented the packed DVD for my viewing displeasure. Ryan Reynolds and his post-Blade six-pack star in this debacle. The delivery is all wrong, the actors don't mesh and Silent-Hilly dream sequences don't fit with the story line. What works? As with all Michael Bay's flicks, it's the imagery.

Everyone knows the story about the Amityville Horror. Somebody from the DiFeo clan has a psychotic breakdown, kills his whole family and no one knows why. We find out later he thought they were demons and he was ordered to kill them by the voices in his head. Fast forward a year later and the Lutz family purchases the house and wouldn't ya know it, things start getting wacky soon enough. The house makes Daddy Lutz act a little nutty by bringing out his inner-alpha out. Mommy Lutz is drowning in Denial River because she just wants the American dream home so much, she can't even notice her daughter is talking to dead people. It all comes to an insane showdown complete with expert roof climbing and axe swinging mastery.

Suckology 101: In this class you will learn that there's a recipe to cliché and that adding too much sugar can ruin the cake.

Let's begin with Mommy and Daddy. Ryan Reynolds and Melissa George are both in their late 20s and they look it. So they are hardly convincing as parents of 3 kids with one of them being 12. George Lutz can sort of get away with it since they aren't his kids. But Reynolds looks like a kid. A beard doesn't make him look older at all. Then there's the fact that this couple is down on its luck, yet they both look like they go to the gym 5 times a week. Reynolds looks like he's below the 2% body-fat line. Melissa looks like all women who've given birth to 3 children only wish they could look like. Oddly enough, their eldest is tubby.

Then there's the impossibly hot baby-sitter that was so cliché it makes me want to vomit. Rachel Nichols is one hot woman and it's a damn shame her show The Inside got cancelled. I can't wait to see what weight she pulls on Alias, but come on. No woman looking this hot would even be interested in babysitting little brats. They could have gotten a cute girl next-door type and Billy would have been just as horny and the scene(s) would have been much more believable. But no they go for the heroin-addict looking porn movie babysitter. Had I been Kathy Lutz, that babysitter wouldn't have been allowed near my horny 12 year old or my horny husband.