Longtime readers of The Onion are well aware that this parodic publication is nonetheless as per their claim, "America's finest news source."

But The Onion is more than just news, offering some of the nation's finest opinion columnists. Besides great guest columns by A Goat and a cast of thousands, they offer valuable recurring perspectives from Jim Anchower and Jean Teasdale among others.

But of course, no other columnist matches the style and street smarts of my personal hero Herbert Kornfeld. Herbert is OG at Midstate Office Supply, where he's rock rulin' as accounts receivable supervisor.

The basic premise of the ultra white dweeb office worker as gangsta works for me. It's kind of a modern Walter Mitty, you might say. He's been my big fave thing at The Onion forever. You may wish to get acquainted with him by reading "Tha Autobiography Of Herbert K." I would suggest that you do not disrespect the man or his skillz though, lest you face the letta opener of death.

Checking in on him, I was displeased to note that we haven't had a new Kornfeld column since April. That's five months, dammit.

Looking closer though, just buried down in his notes is a link for Midstate Office Supply. Turns out they haven't sidelined Herbert, but gone all sideways. They have created a whole in-depth separate domain for his fictional employer. For starters, they have product descriptions apparently written by Herbert. For example, the WurkBest Three-Hole Paper Punch with Lever Handle: "Any office banga know that when y'all wants 2 smack down a bitch, a three-hole punch be yo' best friend..."

The best thing on the Midstate site though has to be Herbert's notes on having been asked to run their website. "Yo, when Cheryl first aks me to upgrade tha Midstate websizite, I said hell no. That wack Internet shit foe straight-up losers. Computahz be foe numbah-krunchin', not foe lookin' up no Fonzie trivia or frontin' like a goddamn wizard on some kinda elfquest." Hey, I represent that remark!

They even have a page and columns for Herbert's office nemesis, the old geezer Myron Schabe of accounts payable. Plus, Herbert now has an email address.

It's now officially Herbert Kornfeld's world. Editors of The Onion and the rest of us just get to live in it.
Edited: PC — "Leave my elevator alone!" DON'T EDIT FOR GRAMMAR