In which the author indulges in wild speculation before a show airs, based only on the teasers that those network website people write.

Ah, the Donald. It seems like an age since we've hung out together. You in your suit, with your hair artfully arranged. Me, in my pajamas, with Dorito crumbs down my front. But at last, here you are, back with a new set of Apprentice candidates, all of them hand-picked by you. Or "hand-picked" as the website says. Those quotation marks look a little ominous, but other sources have you hand-picking no less than 17 of the 18. Which of course leaves us to ponder the identity of the rogue candidate whom the network just insisted on casting over your objections.

Speaking of networks, NBC has really gone overboard on their website again, giving us a bounty of information on each future corporate hack Surreal Life guest candidate. We're treated not only to a bio, but to several pages of interview Q&A, and a 'close-up' section. Turns out that 'close-up' is code for 'fave things'. Raindrops on roses, and so on. The Q&A is largely tedious, asking questions that all demand obvious, dull answers ("describe your leadership style" and "what have you learned from previous seasons of The Apprentice"). Zzzzzzzzzzzzz. Okay, the final question is mildly amusing: "Would you rather be stranded on a desert island with Donald, George or Carolyn, and why?" Anyone who doesn't say something like "Donald because I could learn from him" gets extra points from me. The bio sections are full of career achievements, most of which fill me with a combination of fear, shame, awe, and guilt. And here's me thinking that surviving the summer re-run season was something to be proud of.

Adam is a driven young chap whose favourite TV shows include "The O'Reilly Factor" and "Hannity and Colmes". He also quotes Reagan, and is fond of words like 'values' and 'conviction'. Top marks, however for his desert island answer: "I'd have to set up a reality TV competition between Donald, George, and Carolyn to see who wins the right to be stranded on a desert island with me." Excellent.

Alla emigrated from Moldavia, and purchased her first building at 19, so we're talking some major overtime at Burger King. Seriously, who does that at 19? Apprentice candidates, that's who. She's now a multi-millionaire and mother to four children. Also, the woman can talk. Her answers to the stock Q&A run over seven pages. Who's a chatterbox, then? Eh?