Heh! Where's the Cindy Bits?

JB eat your heart out. THIS is googlebombing!

Thanks for the grins.

Your eyes shine with the greed of a misplaced tea strainer, Shark. Thanks for the laughs.

Although I consider the AB photos mildly responsible for my morning indigestion.

Having seen pictures of Al Barger and Muqtad al Sadr side by side now, I only want to know what level their highest level D&D characters reached.

Oh, and your list of forbidden phrases and words is incomplete - you left off 'chickenhawk'.

You also forgot to mention the importance of Amazon links - remember if the link is Coulter or Frankin the poster is an ideological bonehad of some sort.

Dave

yawn

Temple, sorry, but "yawn" has been added to the list of banned words.

"zzzzzzzzzz..." is okay, though -- especially with the html "blink" code!

As expected. Navel gazing trype here. No effort - guaranteed.

"As expected," sayeth Temple.

Then why read it? Did you hope to be pleasantly surprised? Or was it that you looked forward to taking the five seconds to type "yawn" to demonstrate your terrible ennui?

Respectfully,

One Tired Monkey

Re: Al Barger/Al Sadr

Convergent evolution - similar ecological niches lead to similar morphology.

Shark... you just blew my mind, man.

Seriously, nice job skewering and a-slicing away at the status quo as only the Shark can do!

JR, now THAT'S what I'm talkin' bout!

A comment that makes ME laugh!

Thanks, Amigo.

Well when Shark does a post its usually worth something. This isn't. It's just nothing worthwile reading and I stopped about a third of the way in.

Yawn = expressing an opinion. As in boring and unoriginal.

You are free to express, as you did (with apparently less of a reason to do so).

Stark, yer kinda surly today. Is it one of those "sunday things"? An old inherent sense that ya gotta get up and go to school tomorrow?

Too much pressure from the Blogcritics editing job?

Well... I appreciate the back-handed compliment, and all I can say is:

I'll start writing better when BC starts paying better.

feh! <---(not prohibited yet)

[Shark exiting stage right in tears]

I really wish people would stop calling my political opponents chickenhawks. That's a term usually reserved for older gay guys who like younger ones. On second thought, maybe that label is appropriate. These chickenhawks seem to have a penchant for young men in uniform.

Sleep tight, America.

"It's just nothing worthwile reading"

Do you mean worthwhile like the new release of a new Paul McCartney record that will quickly end up in the bargain bin or worthwhile like Sean Combs going by yet another name?

I liked the first asterisk. After that it spiraled downward and made a Wiley E. Coyote type ring of dust that sailed upward.

Back in the days of college opinion columnry, anytime we saw something written like this that was purposefuly scattered, we knew it was a case of "I feel I should write something but I have nothing but these random thoughts in my head." At this point we thrust ourselves into our chairbacks laughting -- at, not with -- then got up and with a straight face made them write something with substance.

Personally, Shark, I loved this bit o' satire. Kind of like George Carlin meets Will Rogers after smoking weed with Henry Gibson.

gag.

I think too many episodes of MAD TV are wearing on Shark's originality and jag off internet syntax sessions. You are a structurel and phrasing language slut. your sense of humor is collectively tired, provocative, boring, but impossible not to read because of your arrogance.

You know how you used to watch Bob Faggot a few years back even though you hated his schtick? I feel that way now but only worse, because your platform is on a bloggers' website and your keyboard sticky notes are your cue cards....and not to mention that one of your "nail in the coffin" flamebits includes reporting typographical errors such as a comma splice. I'm sure if you respond to this post it will be saturated with cutesy nicknames for my handle and IRONICAL numerical lists displaying your skills with an alliteration or garish "i'm better than you" remark. carry on.

Re: Al DiMeola -- ABSOLUTELY!

Re: the rest: WHA? <-- not prohibited yet.

Although I liked the bit about Spanish olives, makes me hungry. Come to think of it, I have leftover spaghetti sauce made with slices of jalapeņo-stuffed Spanish olives and black olives, ground venison and red peppers, sitting in the fridge.

I'll be back later...

Matthew t. Sussman said,

"I feel I should write something but I have nothing but these random thoughts in my head." At this point we thrust ourselves into our chairbacks laughting -- at, not with -- then got up and with a straight face made them write something with substance."

nicely put.

Who is Bob Faggot?

Oh, God, Dr Pat, ground venison. I am envious. I'll bet the addition of the jalapeņo-stuffed Spanish olives gives it a real kick. Mangia!!!!!

My opinion is that this piece is a fun and at times incisive meta-commentary on the world and the world of Blogcritics.org.

There's far far worse stuff to read round these parts every day by far far more boring / less talented / less passionate / less interesting writers.

It's by virtue of Shark's considerable talents and stature -- and, let's face it, ability to drum up a nice cauldron of controversy every now and again -- that he creates a certain amount of backlash.

<<<<<>>>>>

Does anyone really think the backlash is going to bother Shark one bit?

EB-- backlash? I wouldn't give shark that much credit. I would give MSS all the backlash credit on BC.org.

Also, shark's humor is your typical sub-counter-culture I hate corporate america everything's ironic bush sucks i love rocknroll etc.....type of humor.

I'd say he is a much less witty version of Bill Maher. If it satisfies to be a local BC hero with a few groupies then I guess that's good enough to stroke his ego.

And don't you think this place would be boring without a Shark byte, Eric?

Yes exactly -- Blogcritics thrives on personalities who have something to say and Shark is both.

Should every one of his posts be framed and put in a bullet-proof glass case? Probably not -- but I can't help thinking that some of the backlash is born of jealousy or other "issues."

There's far far worse stuff to read round these parts every day by far far more boring / less talented / less passionate / less interesting writers.

Sounds like an admission that, given the talent/passion of the writer, by the same token it could have been much better.

But there is truth to this. Homestarrunner.com will sometimes lay a bad egg. Dave Barry once in a while goes 800 words to nowhere. There have even been pointless episodes of "The Simpsons."

Plus, if Shark makes a living out of being an attention whore, don't be surprised or sympathetic when he falters and becomes the dead fish bait that gets gobbled up by carnivorous fish.

There have even been pointless episodes of "The Simpsons."

Try pointless "seasons".

EB said,

"Should every one of his posts be framed and put in a bullet-proof glass case? Probably not -- but I can't help thinking that some of the backlash is born of jealousy or other "issues.""

definitely. Not the jealousy part but the other issues. The first time I read through a thread on BC.org, shark was flaming away at some kid for his own rants. It was silly, irresponsible, and embarassing. Eric if you equate those qualities with a good blogcritic or internet personality then I could lump you in with those in my mind when I termed some shark fans as "groupies." No offense to your taste in satire or the funny, but i KNOW shark is a quack.

I don't agree with everything Shark says or stands for, and I obviously haven't read every one of his comments, but I generally enjoy his stuff.

You are free to express, as you did (with apparently less of a reason to do so).

Oh, well, he gave me an early morning giggle so I felt it best to rally 'round the Shark standard for a few minutes. Considering some of the comments I've read around here recently, I think he's got a very good point.

I don't know. Holdsworth has GOT to rate better than 7.

"Your eyes shine with the greed of a misplaced tea strainer"

This is incredible... I lost my tea ball and was going crazy this morning looking for it... it's now on the shopping list.

Muqtada al-Sadr? You about a funny sumbitch ain't ya Shark? Couldn't be I looked like somebody cool, Dr John, perhaps. I'm voting #1.

Hey, I have an idea. How's about you put up a few photos of yer bad Shark self for MY amusement?

Ohhh, I'm being attacked by tiny phosphor dots on a screen!

Hep me! Hep me!

~yawn

=========

First, thanks to my groupies, digital ex-lovers, and reluctant fans.

Secondly,

to Sussman: I'm boring -- and you review baseball games? (See Irony for more)

to nugget (aka: "my little semi-precious clod of iron pyrites"): Shark's "humor" is original, insightful, stimulating, and most of all: profound. And you just don't get it.

To all others:

1) Interesting that a meta-meta post on nothing in particular has become ABOUT ME. I love that.

2) Here's a question: Would you rather be stuck in an elevator with:

a) ME
b) Dave Nalle
c) John Bambenek
d) nugget


3) As much as I hate explaining my profound philosophical aphorisms disguised as your typical sub-counter-culture I hate corporate america everything's ironic bush sucks i love rock-n-roll -- I find I have to do it a lot on Blogcritics.

So here goes:

the "Joke" was over by the time you started reading.


4) I'm so renowned as an America hating, Bush loathing liberal asshole, that I thought it best to lighten up the repertoire every now and then -- as sort of a humorous gesture of love and lightness. I'm just glad to know EVEN THAT pissed some people off.




...now where's today's "intelligent design" post?

Al, you know I love ya -- and I wouldn't have done it if I hadn't thought you were one of the few people who had the self-condifence and centeredness to see the humor of it.

(and the astounding similarities)

BTW: Yep, never thought of it, but you could be Dr. John's grandson! Nice!


(And I'll try to accomodate you on the photo. You'll really love me after you see what I look like!)

Eric Berlin: "...I don't agree with everything Shark says..."

Eric, seriously, I DON'T AGREE WITH EVERTHING I SAY.

Then simply therein you exhibit qualities so rare as to be seldom seen in all of the magical virtual realm known as the blogosphere.

Shark, might I add that you're ugly and your Mama dresses you funny.

XOX

Proof Shark doesn't think before he types:

Shark's claim: Sussman thinks Shark is boring.

Where Sussman said this in the thread: _______.

I even checked Google ... and nothing.

Stick to making fun of conservatives and/or taking criticism like a big boy.

/golfclap

thanx fer the Funny, Shark...

as fer the elevator bit...
Bambinek is far too sour
Nalle would be too gamey
unless nugget is made out of chicken(which i doubt)

then i would have ta go with Shark-fin soup!!

i mean, ya don't know how long we would be stuck inthe elevator...and i can get a might peckish...

i'm just sayin'

Excelsior!

First there was Dada, which was doomed to failure because its birth contained the seeds of its own destruction.

Now there is SHARK, whose destruction contains the seeds of its own birth.

Hail SHARK.

SHARK lives because passion has died.

SHARK aspires to boredom, a self-consuming boredom which can only end in theft and murder as daily suburban adventures.

SHARK sees guns as sexual organs, death as intercourse with skeletons and ghosts, and bullets as metallic spermatozoa on Crack.

SHARK sees Urban Guerrilla Warfare as the New Orgy.

Drink poison at SHARK'S breast and celebrate your own hypnotized mortality.

SHARK knows that Andre Breton would love Pat Robertson and Osama Bin Laden equally.

DADA = "rocking horse" in French
DADA = babytalk in German
DADA = yes-yes in Romanian
DADA = "dice" in some Italian dialects

MAMA = Museum of Americans Missing Alive
MAMA = Moratorium Announcing Miserable Anguish
MAMA = Men Against Men And...
MAMA = Mad Anarchists Marching Away

SHARK = sand tossed in the imaginary gears of a shopping mall salad.

SHARK knows that the only Truly Free Man is a terrorist.

SHARK believes the UNABOMBER was RIGHT.

SHARK believes that the world has a death wish, that life is not meant to be lived, but to be purchased -- and that HAVING is much better than BEING.

SHARK means to expedite, fulfill, renew, feed and encourage that desire for destruction in the name of creating a blank boring identity, to destroy the church of Humankind's most holy desires, those manufactured Wish Lists that haunt dead hearts functioning in the eternal Christmas Shopping Season.

SHARK believes Santa Claus is the Messiah, that Bambi's mother died for our sins, and that Rudolph's Nose -- although able to lead our Savior in The Long Night of Shopping for Ginsu Knives -- is unable to cure itself from an eternal radioactive glow caused by overexposure to television, cell phones, and the unknown effects of genetically-engineered deer corn.

SHARK carries numerous credit cards, always takes them to their limits, denies the debt, is constantly on the MOVE, and then dies before collection agencies can find a correct address.

SHARK believes that the more you consume, the less you live --which is the goal of every true FISH.

SHARK leaves an estate that is bankrupt for generations to follow.

SHARK is the Pope saying "Trust in God" while standing behind bulletproof glass.

SHARK PREFERS:

appliances over love,
shoes over happiness,
mindless sex over erotic lucidity,
entertainment over activity,
spectacle over wakefulness,
shopping over prayer,
hypnosis over transcendence,
lying over honesty,
AND
crimes over compassion.

SHARK is FOR abortion and AGAINST stem-cell research--since one decreases potential humans and the other increases a futile hope for those who suffer.

SHARK is FOR abortion because it is the taking of life in a quest for convenience, one of the highest ideals of the new AQUATIC CULTURE.

AQUATIC Culture can be grown anywhere; the world is a Petri dish and UNoriginal ideas are virulent strains of Ebola.

SHARK votes for Compassionate Conservatives in order to quicken the Apocalypse and reduce the duration of pain among the poor and the powerless.

SHARK believes ALL species should be on the endangered list, but that Man is the only one that really belongs there.

SHARK declares Art to be a Two People in Laz-E-Boys Watching Two Other People On Television Discussing The Purchase Of A Reproduction Of A Signed Numbered Print Of A Soup Can.

SHARK is for everything and against Nothing. SHARK makes rules that are to be disobeyed.

SHARK believes that Lying in the only valid form of communication.

SHARK is the fact that proves all facts are false.

SHARK is a leper in a hot tub.

If the world is a hamburger, SHARK is a mad cow.

SHARK'S primary value system is TO BE CHEAP AND DISPOSABLE.

SHARK takes a lot of shit off machines.

SHARK always answers the phone.

SHARK believes one can beep God, but He's not listening.

SHARK hates haters -- and thinks that a good whipping is an appropriate way to punish a child in order to teach them that hitting is wrong.

SHARK wants to disturb the ceremonies.

SHARK wants to negate the bankrupt politics of a morally corrupt culture, destroy the stages where debates are held, fire guns during pacifistic speeches, and shoot cream-pies using RPGs found in black markets in Iraq.

SHARK thinks:

...Didactics are the dangerous masturbations of the blind.

...Science is a bad faith parading as Religion.

...Religion is a bad hypothesis parading as Science.

...If our leaders are logical, if you are logical, if your thoughts are logical -- then SHARK aspires to be primitive and irrational.

SHARK can prove the Intelligent Design is the final Evolution in PATAPHYSICS, ie "the science of imaginary solutions."

--- to be continued ---

"I should give each listener the chance to link for himself suitable associations. It would hold the characteristic elements of his personality, intermingled, fragmented... etc. -- remaining nevertheless in the direction in which the author canalizes it."

--- to be continued ---

Now that was good!

It's the easist thing in the world to take pot shots at other Blogritics - it's like shooting fish in a barrel (ooh, see?).

But to elevate it to a post is weak. That's all. Believe it or not very few people care about the going's on of Blogcritics "personalities." EXcept other BCers.

Generally speaking - just deliver the goods and get out of the way. Be respected for something other than sheer quantity.

At the risk of insulting you, that comment 40 was getting close to poetry. Except for the lack of Al content, it was probably even better than the original post.

we're not worthy

Excelsior!

Agreed, Al and Gonzo...

Poetry!? Big Al, you want POETRY?!

All ya hadda do was ask...

Oh shit, what have I started?

reap what ya sow, big Al...

a lil gonzo ditty fer ya, Al..while ya wait...in a nice country key of A

my Karma ran over my Dogma,
my Gnosis ran over to See;
my Karma ran over my Dogma...
oh, bring back my Karma to meeeEEEeee!

i'm here all week, kiddies..

Excelsior!

Now yer talkin'!

(To the tune of "DECK THE HALLS")


Deck us all with Boston Charlie,
Walla Walla, Wash, an' Kalamazoo!
Nora's freezin' on the trolley,
Swaller dollar cauliflower alley-garoo!

Don't we know archaic barrel
Lullaby Lilla Boy, Louisville Lou?
Trolley Molly don't love Harold,
Boola boola Pensacoola hullabaloo!

Bark us all bow-wows of folly,
Polly wolly cracker 'n' too-da-loo!
Donkey Bonny brays a carol,
Antelope Cantaloupe, 'lope with you!

Hunky Dory's pop is lolly gaggin' on the wagon,
Willy, folly go through!
Chollie's collie barks at Barrow,
Harum scarum five alarm bung-a-loo!

Dunk us all in bowls of barley,
Hinky dinky dink an' polly voo!
Chilly Filly's name is Chollie,
Chollie Filly's jolly chilly view halloo!

Bark us all bow-wows of folly,
Double-bubble, toyland trouble! Woof, woof, woof!
Tizzy seas on melon collie!
Dibble-dabble, scribble-scrabble! Goof, goof, goof!

== with love, respect, and admiration for the late, great Walt Kelly ==

We have met the enemy ... and he is us.

apt.

Pogo for the win!!

but i digress...

Excelsior!

But to elevate it to a post is weak. That's all. Believe it or not very few people care about the going's on of Blogcritics "personalities." EXcept other BCers.

I can see your point there, Senor Stark. Either I'm rather slow lately, or perhaps we weren't communicating effectively. I dunno. But I think saying it's weak is a bit harsh. There's been a right sea of bullshit around here lately and maybe Shark just took the easy way out and wrote a post instead of 349285 comments.

And yet, any sort of forum like this will develop a certain circle of posters who offer polite reach-arounds to one another in the form of such. At least this was an example of the funny in that, eh? We gossip and clique up. It's the nature of the human animal. As long as Shark churns out some funny with his reach-arounds, I'm not terribly concerned, and I do appreciate the funny.

Besides, most of the crap going on hasn't involved actual BCs, but Joe Random Posters who wander in and forget to wander out again.

But hey. After wading through the comments of particular troll hereabouts, anything half intelligent is likely to make me glow like a pretty, pretty star.

(Yes, I realize there's a whole other thread going on here, but if you'll excuse me, I'm having a conversation with Mr. Stark. Hijack alert. Build a bridge, chumps! though I might pirate "the world is a petri dish" for my own perverse use there... hmmm...)

-LM, victim of coffee overload

hehe.

cmon shark i almost thought you were an original until you snuck walt kelly's name in the credits. tsk tsk. Alas quoting a comic strip author is not poetry. Can you not improvise???

i think i know why "yer" yellin' shark. Your lifelines of dark underground counter-culture dark venue junkyard havens are disappearing! 'Lo the overpopulation and the STING of big corporations. Your house is already rundown, lest there is somewhere to hide, your quackery is going to tattle tail! Quack quack is all I read when the mighty SHARK posts. Do you avoid people that much under the sun? keep barking and quacking like a scared duck. Your wingspan is only stretches from webster to your keyboard. A true mind THINKS in riddles and associations, outside of words....most folks with horse sense will always know that you are a swindler to the enth degree. copy and paste more and it will only make me sad.

carry on with your debacle! Its creative parameters are so bland and straight I'm actually beginning visualize the BOX.

"to"

I brace for the typo patrol. Who's on it doggonit??

It's Okay, LM, I guess I've pulled the stick out of my ass. ...

It would have been funny, no doubt, if Shark hadn't done all the things elsewhere he talks about in his post.


... No, not quite ..... There it goes. POP.

But remember, my dear Mr. Stark, it's National Irony Day. I see you didn't get the memo, either?

If it's National Irony Day, I guess I better go get out my board...

Hey Nugget, that #53 was pretty good.

While we're on the subject of reach arounds, XOX to the long beloved Legendary Monkey Girl.

And even that dirty, no goodnik Temple Stark.

So am I loved! But I dunno if I'm engineered for a proper reach-around. Silly girl parts. I'll just have to slink over into my corner and looked jaded.

That's probably just as well, as I would prefer not to have that new husband dude come beat me up and stuff.

He'd just pull your beard and run away.

That'd learn me.

Dear Citoyen Legendary_Monkey,

Thanks for standin' up for the legendary Shark. Endangered animals should stick together.

Guess what: John Bambineck barfs two or three 25 word entries per day from his keyboard -- and there's nary a peep. Yours truly posts almost funny meaningless poetic meanderings -- and the critics crawl outta the Petri dish, stand upright, grow opposable thumbs -- which they proceed to turn DOWN without mercy -- so I appreciate your monkeyness givin' me the thumbs up!

As to Temple Stark, I forgive him; he's BC "management" now. He can't hang out with the peasants and bitch about the big-wigs anymore.

He's a toupee, so he has to exhibit a good attitude (I hate that!) and act happy about stupid executive decisions that -- a few months ago -- would have caused him to pick up a pike and storm the gated community of "The Man".

It's a bummer. When we're takin' a break smokin' and cussin' -- he has to be patrolling the perimeter looking for graffiti. He'd rather be sittin' here with us -- bitchin' about the status quo -- sharing gossip about the digital aristocracy, but Uneasy lies the head that wears a crown.

(BTW: He's not salaried yet, so we can expect that he'll join the Revolution when it arrives.)

xxoo,
Comrade Shark

=====

Dear nugget, my little semi-precious clod of iron pyrites,

"tsk tsk" has been added to the list of banned phrases. (It's only to be used as a code word that means you're ready to give me a blow-job.)

"Lo" and "lest" are allowed -- as long as they're followed by equally bloated and archaic thoughts. Yours, as used above, currently qualify.

As to your allowing me to carry on my debacle: thanks! I love that word. I'll wear it proudly.

And as to your accusations that I'm unoriginal, borrow, steal, and cut & paste:

NEVER, sir! This is my hobby, my passion, and my profession! Each dawn, I sit at my blank keyboard and think:

To write, or not to write: that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
the slings and arrows of outrageous motards,
Or to take arms against a sea of half-witted inarticulate trolls,
And by opposing -- end them?

To write: to post;
No more; and by an internet connection error --
to say we end the heart-ache and the thousand idiotic comments
that my posts are heir to.

as Dave mentioned, please, dear God, include chickenhawk in the banned list: if ever there was aterm coined to subvert actual policy debate, that is it

as EB said, some great meta observations, although I'm wondering who should be editing all those democratized diarists: when content is king, filtering is queen

Shark says Would you rather be stuck in an elevator with....

My answer - Bambenek and a sledgehammer.

This logic irks me to no end: "Yeah, well, at least I'm not this writer [pointing to someone else]."

Translation: "OK, you backed me into a corner, but rather than admitting you have a point I'm gonna stroke my ego until you all go away!"

When I was op-editor for the college newspaper I tried to give one of my columnists some feedback, saying the column wasn't good, didn't have a lot of facts or insight, stuff like that. He had the nerve to say in a nutshell, "Yeah well you're stuff's no good, but oh it gets in because you're the editor."

Textbook def of "havin' brass 'uns."

I told him to worry about his own damn writing.

Comparisons are OK if you're saying someone shows flashes of Dave Barry or Anna Quindlen but to contrast it from a poorer writer? Your priorities are in the wrong place.

So if Writer A throws out a dud, people react, then Writer A retorts with "Yeah? Well if you had a choice between me and [Writer B], who would you want?" But suppose there is also an unmentioned Writer C, who is better than both. I'll subscribe to C's newsletter.

Thanks, Suss! It's Paper Frigate. For you, a discount!

[grin]

the slings and arrows of outrageous motards

Now I almost like Hamlet. Wait, no... I still hate it. Obviously, I'm an uneducated, stupid primate-sort.

And I like ol' Senor Stark. He's an honest sort, which is important these days. Honesty is far better than positivity, despite what all the self-help people will tell you.

Shark, you write like a pimple-faced teenager who's in love with his 56-year-old English teacher. It's amazing how many "contributors" revere your art. But, then again, unhappy people like to be around those who are equally or more miserable than themselves. Rage on, my brother.

This post has me worried about two ponderous concerns:

1. There will not be 49 million Depends there when we need them.

2. We will have enough Depends but have no idea where to put 49 million dirty ones.

Sussman referring to Shark: "This logic irks me to no end..."

I don't do logic. How many fucking times do I have to tell you?

I DON'T DO LOGIC.

Find a new "fault."

PS: Matthew, How 'bout them Hy-wah-yuns?!

Newsflash! A recent report by drudge says that Blogcritics.org must, quote, "Get a Clue" and cries to Shark, specifically, to "Grow Up."

Seriously, though. I really liked the title to this piece. Probably because I get approximately 10 emails a day informing me that a new comment has been posted to the article "The Top 100 Guitarists According To Rolling STone." I stopped reading them, what? a year ago?

Sussman mocking Shark's internal 'voice': "OK, you backed me into a corner, but rather than admitting you have a point I'm gonna stroke my ego until you all go away!"

Sussman trotting out his own 'resume' as a peripheral masturbatory, ego STROKING act: "When I was op-editor for the college newspaper I tried to give one of my columnists some feedback..."

Ohhh... wow, what college?!

Shark says: I'll start writing better when BC starts paying better.

I think that BC should become a 527s organization. That way it would get more press, generate revenues for the people here that deserve to get some financial rewards and, face it, the whole concept would just piss people off.

interesting concept

Look at it this way, Eric. I'd contribute to a 527s Blogcritics Organization. It's better than sinking my money into a political party.

Hey Al, you look tired. Are you getting enough rest? I've heard that teabags (no, not THAT kind!) or cucumber slices are good for getting rid of those eye-bags.

Don't believe that Victorian nonsense about cucumber slices, Nick -- I promise you, this canard was invented by frustrated Victorian women who needed to explain all those phallic vegetables in their kitchen gardens...

...then came along the Energizer Bunny and cucumber futures tanked. That's when Vlasic stepped in and bought them all up for pickling.

DrPat -- Doctor of MANY subjects, apparantly...

Now, hemorrhoid cream to reduce bags under the eyes -- that really works!

At least, so I hear from the beauty pageant contestants...

Is not the usage of hemorrhoid cream akin to vaginal rejuvenation? DrPat really should bid to take over that Heloise column...

No, I have an entirely different unguent in mind for the rejuvenation of vaginas...

...and that is?

Suffice to say that:

1. I have the market cornered, at least for my personal brand, and
2. I won't be eating a spoonful of it every day to extend my life!

OK, all you Mary Poppins fans:
Just a pipe full of ganja makes conservatives go down,
conservatives go down,
conservatives go down,
Just a pipe full of ganja makes conservatives go down,
in the most delightful ways...

Now there's an image we didn't need: stoned conservatives going down...

I know! Like, um, could you picture Karl Rove enjoying the company of say, Monica Lewinsky?

Al Barger - many thanks. it's the effort that counts.


And shark, I think that's why I'm going to let you swim.

Firstly, I likes a lots my new epithet, " my little semi-precious clod of iron pyrites." Adorable, and I am more in love with my internet guise than ever.

Since this thread is about cartilaginous skeleton, coarse-skinned Chondrichthyes and NOT iron pyrites I won't digress:

"Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
the slings and arrows of outrageous motards,
Or to take arms against a sea of half-witted inarticulate trolls,
And by opposing -- end them? "

shark, wilt thou (my archaism is polite at worst!) pay a visit to your kitchen and introduce la pot a la kettle?

I'm obliged to pass a message sent to you from an Eric Berlin??? It reads:

"tsk tsk"

What is that COAD LANGWEGE?



---

Silas sez...
* Like, um, could you picture Karl Rove enjoying the company of say, Monica Lewinsky?*

nope...now ask about Rove and Gannon/Guckert....

Excelsior!

Guckert, Fleischer & Rove, ain't a law firm. In some tea rooms they're regarded as Washington's Holy Trinity.

I've not sent any message via nugget...

"Newsflash..." Your an aborted fetus, Cindy bashing, kool-aid drinking, neo-nazi like, imbecile designed, lesbian homophobe, top ten preacher, goofball who needs to get a clue about 9/11. Worst of all your Pat Robertson's secret gay lover.

Newsflash: "newsflash" is a banned word.

Due to listener requests (Shark loves to think short-term, fuck-the-future, follow-the-polls and respond to the aliterate public's opinions like an electric eel in the throes of a hormonal imbalance) -- the word "chickenhawk" has been added to the list of banned words.

In place of the now-banned "chickenhawk", We suggest you use:

a) domesticated barnyard militarist
b) A...HOL [Absent (without leave, but) Hard On Liberals]
c) cowardly heroes
d) fowl-like fighters
e) cock-a-doodle-dicks

Thanks,
The Management

=========

Note to my little semi-precious clod of iron pyrites:

Get your own material.

=========


...Meanwhile... a guy walks into the office of a talent agent...

I posted these comments elsewhere -- but fuck that -- I regret it now -- and this is MY THREAD and I'll do what I want!

And besides, why should I add brilliant insights to that surly bastid Temple Stark's yawn-inducing threads stating the bloody obvious?

It's my party and I'll post repititions if I want to...

("Content has been replaced by visuals, movement, and repetition." -- remember that?)

=======

re. SOLUTIONS TO IRAQ --

Sunday, Aug. 28, 2005 - New York Times

op-ed by David Brooks

I urge all to read it; contains one of the few sensible and sane solutions to Bush's Blunder, aka Iraq -- although I tend to think it's about 2 year too late to instigate such a plan.

PS: Watched "Gunner Palace" a few days ago; it's a pretty apolitical documentary (?) IMO, but it just added to my sense that Iraq is a massive disaster which USA and Iraq (+ world?) won't recover from for decades.

Best expression of total futility: the black US GI training Iraqi "security forces" -- he says, "What do you think these people will do when we leave? They're just here for the money..."

Ugh.

In other news: wonder what $200 billion and 130,000 soldiers could do for Louisiana, Mississippi, and Alabama right about now?

Thanks, George!

========

Ol' Al sez, sure Shark, c'mon in. Now in there and put on that new wig I bought you. No, no...the reddish brown one.

Will do, Big Al -- but ya gotta do somethin' about that suit!

I think your invocation of "The Edge" (in quotes) is the funniest bit yet.

If you guys are partying in the bunker, I wanna come! I've got a 12 pack of Fat Tire and a fistful of CDs. Can I play? We can sit around a fire and read R.A.W.

Legendary MonkeyGirl, you just turned this flaccid Shark... well... nevermind...

Al's listening.

Jerry Garia?!!!!

i'm gonna toss you 'an al in that survivalist bunker with a copy of Terrapin Station, a lifetime supply of granola, soy milk and a patchoulli bomb.

that'll learn ya.

EricBerlin, you are so astute! Nice snag!

(...and like Red Skelton, I even made MYSELF laugh at that one.)

xxoo <-- platonic -- unless we're in the bunker a reeeeely long time...
S

Careful, Shark, you're opening yourself up for persecution.

And what the hell is wrong with patchoulli, Eric? It hides the sweet scent of ganj very nicely.

Silas, I believe we're all just a 12-pack away from bein' gay.

Dude, I'm a shot of Jack away from being straight.

And I'm right in the middle! Silas gets to come into the bunker as well. We have to foster equality.

Was that a backdoor proposition? We better be careful or the Immoral Minority will target BC as a handmaiden of Lucifer.

Things are getting downright lascivious and prurient up in here...

You mean we're not?

Damn, I came to the wrong place. I thought you'd all be with me in the special hell.

Only a thread born out of Sharkian wit and wisdom could give birth to this kind of exchange. Shark brings out the straight in me and the gay in everyone else. He even has DrPat talking about cucumbers and vaginal rejuvenation.

Oo-wee! Looks like things are getting ready to get interesting here in the holler. Miss Monkey, Silas, Shark, Al and some of my Prince albums = PARTY like it's 1999!

Not as delightfully prurient, but two points to Eric Berlin for picking up on the quote marks around "The Edge."

That was particularly evil of you, Shark. You will be appropriately punished- though admittedly he asked for it by taking that moniker.

he was given that moniker because of his v-shaped face.

honest.

you guys want regular soy milk or vanilla?

Monsieur Saleski, we're not going to be having no pinko soy milk in MY bunker. This party (including the generators) will be powered with straight Kentucky moonshine.

Can I have a splash of Diet Coke to go with that moonshine?

Thanks.

Fag.

*disclaimer: the above is meant as satire and is not a derogatory statement meant to offend, flip out, spaz, or otherwise make anyone pee their panties. Build a bridge.*

moonshine and granola?

icky.

Your resident beer guide sez Fat Tire is exceptional+!

I don't usually like beer that much (except Red Stripe... mmmm) and I love it. LOVE IT.

Actually, granola is perfectly fine country food. It's just oats, and we hilljacks were eating the stuff long before the damned hippies got hold of it.

I don't go that much for beer, but there's nothing wrong with a good, patriotic Samuel Adams.

Monkeygirl, good snag on the fagginess of Berlin's Diet Coke.

But we don't mind... a coupla of shots and he'll be wearin' one of Al's *dresses anyway.

* Al doesn't wear them; they're for "emergencies".

======

My favorite 'drink' (I'm from Texas, afer all...) is a pinch of Tang between my cheek and gum -- followed by a slug of really respensive Tequila.

======

Big Al, you suckin' on a Sam Adams is somehow incredibly appropriate -- although moonshine is a better fit for a true Libertarian. (no taxes paid, yahoo!)

I think I should put a note at the top of this entry that says:

"Where Blogcritics Insiders Go to Drink, Be Friendly, Make Jokes, and Flirt with Monkeys"

Whatta yall think?

Works for me.

MONKEYS REPRESENTIN, WHAT, WHAT?

...I want to be an insider when I grow up. I'll have to work on my ego first, I think.

I'll be happy to stand guard outside your bunker, folks, but with all that patchoulli and cannabis (not to mention other pongs eventually resulting from indulgence in soy milk and granola) inside, I think I'd rather stay in the fresh air.

Here's a freebie, Silas: "I'd just like to get one thing straight between us!" Deliver it with sincerity as you gaze right into the desired one's eyes. Wait for the meaning to sink in.

Don't laugh.

I think I'll use that line on the insane and unsensible the next time his knickers get in a twist!

And speaking of pongs from the bunker, at least we'll have gas to cook with.

On that note, I'm LEAVING the bunker. That IS the downside to being shut up with a bunch of guys....

well now..i don't even get an invite!!

/sniffles

fine..then i will just have to set up a 10,000 watt sound system around the bunker and play Motorhead and Tool and Pantera until big Al's head implodes...

mwahahahHAHAHAhahAHAHahahAHAHAhahHAHahaha

a good exhaust fan cuz i hate patchoulli, leave the liquor cuz i don't drink anymore...but i may have to test that leafy, budlike substance for purity of essence

and get that soy juice away from the real milk...no..that soy shit ain't milk..know how i'm certain of that?

cuz there ain't no such thing as a soy titty...that shit is vegetable juice, keep it away from my coffee!!!

nuff said?

Excelsior!

Complete mastery of sarcasm and cynicism.

Re: Al Barger/Al Sadr - that was to much... =)

Gonzo, you know you have an open ended invitation to the bunker any time you want. There's a doobie with your name on it in the east end of the trench.

Monkeygirl, it'd be a limp deal without you there. I've got a negative ion generator to clean the air.

Might need two if we're going to let Gonzo in, cause dude you do NOT want to be blasting me with Motorhead all Waco style, or you'd WISH you was dealing with that crazed Koresh dude. Plus, I have an extra pretty dress that would look FABULOUS on you, I'm sure.

DrPat, we would be happy to have you working security. Please don't react in a panic though if we're playing Shel Silverstein's "Freakin' at the Freakers Ball" and you hear Shark yelping in pain.

Hmm, I'm gonna be friends with gonzo now, too, if he'll have me. Monkey likes Tool. And the bit about the lack of soy breasticles is classic.

man, i would pay real money to blast big al with some good tunes and have him rush out of the bunker all hostile...

and bump into the middle of my chest...

good times...good times...

as for the dress bit...ummm, middle aged ex-biker types don't look good in dresses, Al..no matter how much moonshine you drink..

Silas, i'll meet ya with a lighter at the east side, right after the first Motorhead album (Rock&Roll, of course) is done...grab Bennett on the way...

Excelsior!

I'm there!

Primus, Porter, and Primo.

In moderation of course.

My pick for exterior bunker-busting music: Brenda Lee 24/7

My pick for interior party music: Jelly Roll Morton (sort of a heterosexual man's "Prince")

=====

Why do I get the feeling that Gonzo Marx looks like Big Al's dad?

Can Thursday be gay night? We could have disco and mushrooms. I might even sneak in a few Jefferson Starship tunes.

Bennett, now is that Porter going to be Cole or Wagoner?

Only if I can have wedgies and a gold lame halter.

Samuel Smith from the UK. Mine was better, but I don't brew anymore. However, I could if need be.

Porter Rockwell, heathens!

Silas, gay Thursday sounds absolutely fabulous. Perhaps I'll dress up nice in an evening gown and try my hand as a KD Lang impersonator. I might take a swing at "The Big Boned Gal."

OMG Does NOT compute!

Al, AL... AL!!!!

Wake up guy, you're only dreaming.

You don't look anything like kd lang.

I don't sound much like KD either, but I'm come closer to passing for KD than, say, Cher. Plus, I'd get to sing better songs.

Only the fellas have to stop! Monkey girl for the win!

Neener.

now Shark..i ain't that old, nor that big...but at 6'2" and around 225 i feel quite comfortable...hell, for Al i would even set my cane aside...

heh...kidding big guy...

Bennett...i knew i hadda like ya..Primus for the win!!

"they call me Mr-Know-it-all,
i am so eloquent,
perfection is my middle name,
and, whatever rhymes with eloquent"
Primus

Excelsior!

There are funny bits, but how about expanding your ideas and turning this into 10 or 20 different articles? Or are these quotes from other articles? If that's the case, shouldn't've posted it.

Sam, you kinda walked into an ongoing group artistic creation, wherein we make our humble attempts at spinning out the Algonquin wit. Only the cool guys get to hang out on this thread, though. So if you want to stick around, you gotta make like Fonzie.

I'd estimate that 90% of the words here are original to this post. I will, however, specifically note that my talk of "reddish brown" wigs is a "Bob George" quote from Prince's infamous Black Album- describing another kind of bunker situation.

Perhaps some spinoffs would be in order. I could go with a fuller description from Silas of that Thursday "gay night" deal, for starters.

Penis.

Um, Al, are you wanting to dress in drag, and have your idea of a gay night, partying in something termed a 'bunker'?

I think I just threw up a little in my mouth.

Hmmm... You know what happens when you get a buncha literary folk together in a bunker with cool tunes, 'shrooms and jays, and lotsa liquor and munch-stuff?

(No, F-Monkey, not THAT!!)

Sooner or later, SOMEBODY (not namin' no names, but we all know who) is gonna want to read his poetry. Out loud.

I don't think I want to subject my signature bunny slippers to the risk of being trampled in the rush to exit the bunker when that happens...

I would just like to state right now that I stopped writing poetry at the age of 16, and the world breathed a big sigh.

Now the rest of y'all need to confess. NOW. NO POETRY.

Unless you're like, ee cummings reincarnated or summat.

Miss Monkey and Dr Pat, I might start ranting against pinkos and Mariah Carey fans and such, but I promise there will be NO reading of poetry under penalty of death.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Pot is expensive,
And petrol is, too.

why read poetry when you can mime it?

Bravo, Silas! On all counts. And Steve brings up another issue - NO MIMES.

But juggling is okay.

Juggling, heh? Now let's see, what can I juggle? Where's Al Barger when I need him?

no poetry?

what about poetry disguised as performance art?

i'll do a poetry reading while big al dances (or whatever he wants ta call it) around a mariah carey doll...burned in effigy.

We should do a BC poem. Each writer gets one line. Wanna try and see what we come up with? Here's the first line :

Hickory dickory dock,

"Hickory dickory dock,"

but that's the punchline for the amputee who said "i've heard of wooden arms or legs...
but a hickory dockory, doc?"

but i digress...

i can't find my other fucking sock

Excelsior!

I can't help but giggle over that one, gonzo.

Oh the line after Gonzo's has delicious potential! DrPat, where are you? BC needs you now more than ever!

So, we are now up to

Hickory dickory dock,
i can't find my other fucking sock,

Perhaps Gonzo will regale us with a performance of the radical poetry of Rage Against the Machine.

Burning, however, does not seem like the best likely use for a Mariah Carey doll. Plus, if it's not singing, I'll have no problem.

al, i didn't want to get near the topic of proper usage of a mariah doll because of the ugly images that wanted to pop into my head.

Line three:

And that's no fun,

*sigh*

I'm not terribly clever today.

al, i didn't want to get near the topic of proper usage of a mariah doll because of the ugly images that wanted to pop into my head.

The antidote for Viagra has been discovered. Quick, somebody take out a patent.

how about ...

I swear on my life,
I have a guy for a wife,
and it better not be on his cock!

Oh, bhw, you dawg, you.

It had to end with cock, Silas. It did.

Hickory dickory dock,
i can't find my fucking sock,
And that's no fun,
When I'm on the run,
or just wanting to go for a walk!

Hickory dickory dock,
i can't find my OTHER fucking sock,
I swear on my life,
I have a guy for a wife,
and it better not be on his cock!

Hickory dickory dock,
I have found both my socks!
One was in the hamper
One was in the camper
.......


someone else finish it.

...and now I can play with my....


...um....

...rooster.

and another was stuffed in his jock!

Excelsior!

stuffed inside my wife's jock!




(oh, how scary the leaderboard will be).

egads, gonzo, we think alike.

Bonus points if the poem can keep iambic pentameter.

My blog attracts about a soul per day
And once I tell my friends to read my post
The hits may rise as high as two or three
But shalt the traffic reach too high to count
Deduce the men arrove from Slashdot's site

Doggerel is to poetry what sullen silence is to mimes: it can be ignored, which is often the best response.

The poetry I'm talkin about is the artsy-fartsy stuff with classical allusions and heavy metaphors. Complex rhyming schemes and rigid meters are preferable to free verse -- but still prone to stampede anyone who's not simply waiting for a turn to read his OWN schlock.

question for ya, DrPat...

if ya shoot a mime, do ya hafta use a silencer?

Enquiring minds wanna know...

Excelsior!

Shooting a mime in a bunker does argue for the use of a silencer, yes -- unless everyone has on their handy-dandy ear protectors.

And really, shooting a mime would likely be considered a mercy killing.

Plus, it'd be cheap food for my big-ass one-eyed coon dog the Rebel Rouser.

big Al sez...
*big-ass one-eyed coon dog the*

yikes...did anyoen else just have a Vision of a single eyed, tiny raccoon headed mutt with HUGE buttocks?

no?

just me i guess...

but i woulda thought Al woulda called such a hideos beast...Coulter...

Excelsior!

Oh, the whole dog is big and perfectly well proportioned. I'm guessing he'd clock in somewhere north of 70 pounds.

bah..that ain't "big"

respectable for a quadraped...but far from "big ass" nomenclature

hurm...makes one wonder what else big Al has been "exxagerating" about...

anyone dare ta ask Mrs. Al?

kidding, joking...a Jest

/chortle

Excelsior!

Al exaggerates about everything, and takes everything to extremes.

I hear he also kicks puppies.

Now Monkey, aren't you exaggerating there?

*engage shifty eyes*

Maybe.

Given Al's other admitted proclivities, it is understandable that he lauds the size of his pooch's booty.

Do you REALLY want to share a bunker with this dog-lovin transvestite, F-Monkey? Especially when you can party in the open with a Severn Darden look-alike?

(Hey, I can't honestly cite my resemblance to Tom Cruise -- and I'm not sure it would help me, anyway...)

I can serve as the go-between. Or perhaps the party will spill out of the bunker when we realize that it's safe and we all need more room to dance!

Oh hey, we've got 75 acres of woods, so we can perform all kinds of perverted Druidic rituals and such.

Or we could just plunder and pillage the countryside, humping or killing everything in sight.

heh...

right into the heart of 10,000 watts playing Pantera...scroll up...

i think ahead

{8^)

[W.E.G.]

Excelsior!

SteveS: "I think I just threw up a little in my mouth."

You'll fit right in!

===

Hickory dickory dock,
can't find my other sock,
when I bent down
and turned around
got clocked with a cock on my dock.

*apologizes to shark*

Well, I'm behind on the times a bit here, but I figure I'll make a comment so Shark can make fun of me, because sorority drama isn't petty enough for me today...

Look out, Al, someone's penetrated the secret -- this bunker IS a sorority drama...

I do like the idea of our bunker as "sorority drama," but the real BC drama queens don't seem to be that interested in this collegial jousting.

Course, about the time I say this Cerulean will start bitching about our hate crimes, or MTSS will show up with a flamethrower.

Geesh, Al, I thought you were becoming the new flamer around these parts. Oops, that's only on Thursdays! Damn, it is Thursday! Quick, Dr. Pat, get out the dress, Al's gonna party like its ninteen sixty nine.

Huh-huh, you said "sixty nine." Huh-huh