iPod Death Scenarios
Published July 05, 2005
"That iPod will be the death of you, young man." Not the words you'd ever expect to hear from your mother, but they could have been for a young man this past weekend in Brooklyn. Read about it in USA Today here.
I'm sure the Apple spin doctors are working hard to point out that the kid probably would have met such a fate had he been carrying a Nomad Jukebox instead of an iPod, but I digress. Does the media really have nothing better to blame? Was the murderous motivation purely derived from that little white box that holds thousands of songs? Would the kid have lived had he handed it over?
The obvious trend is getting mugged for your iPod--- a premise I've mentioned before. But you might recall the story of a kid fumbling with his iPod before he skated into a moving car. Although the original news link went dead, it's still an example of blaming the iPod when it was the kid's absent minded behavior that got him killed.
Seeing how far people will go for electronic gadgets is surreal and something the media loves to cash in on. Things like this recent murder or a story from a couple years ago where a girl dropped her cell phone into the NYC subway tracks and had the genius-thought to jump in and get it with a train coming — they just defy all logic.
So, in light of all this, I have taken a few moments to compose some hypothetical future scenarios that we might endure involving the media's obsession with personifying the iPod as a cause for calamity. These scenarios don't Nostradamusize the day when all of the iPods rebel against their masters via the touch wheel's transforming into a saw blade to slice off fingers trying to find that old Pearl Jam b-side — but they do invoke some realm of possibility.
Scenario #1: A man cashes in on his AppleCare policy so many times that holding his new iPod causes him to spontaneously combust.
Scenario #2: A Baby Boomer's iPod is playing Kenny G's greatest hits on a merry stroll down the boulevard. However, the annoying frequencies that escape the headphones drive a passing herd of wild dogs insane with blood lust, and the person becomes a chew toy.
Mark Sahm is a creative soul lurking around New York City. His various projects include: Somrod (art), Creative Psychosis (blog), and Magic Junk Radio (podcasts). His first novel, The Art of Getting Bent can be purchased at Amazon.com, or through his site. Despite all of this, Sahm will not save you any money on car insurance.
- iPod Death Scenarios
- Published: July 05, 2005
- Type: Satire
- Section: Sci/Tech
- Filed Under: Culture: Humor and Satire
- Writer: Mark Sahm
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- Mark Sahm's personal site
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Comments on this articleComments
Although you can replace a cellphone now a hundred times easier than an iPod.
And I might use the Jedi mind trick on a thief as such, "You'd much rather steal my cell than my iPod."
The compulsion for distraction of any form or fashion (cell phone, iPods, etc.) remains a constant source of my personal amusement. Why people of any profession, lifestyle, race or whatever stratification seem to require - even crave - being "plugged in" to something - anything - should be the subject of someone's dissertation.
I personally find the implements of uninterupted stimuli fatiguing. From the days of the first beepers - that did nothing more than sound an alarming screech alerting you to call the operator - to today's digital leeches that seemingly embed themselves into a person's ear, 24/7 - they mystify me, no end. Apparently, solitude and silence are to be avoided at all costs these days. Those two graces are now orphans to most.
That depends if you can find the silence and solitude, dietdoc.
If you work in a city during the day, unless you get a blindfold and wax earplugs, you don't find either.
Mark writes: "If you work in a city during the day, unless you get a blindfold and wax earplugs, you don't find either."
Reply: Quite right, Mark. They are, if one could mentally draw concentric, enlarging circles from the center of most cities, found largely only in the most peripheral zones. Thus, the root origin of suburbia. The interesting point to me, however, is that we now feel compelled to take these infernal devices into the last remaining bastions of these graces, ignoring their inherent value.
Sorry, that doesn't make much sense, does it?
Cheers and obfuscation to the whole subject!
Ron
Hilarious, Mark! This was too funny. Have you considered podcasting this post....?
;-)
Lisa
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ha ha nice work.
Can anyone say cellphone? (It was the too-blame thing to do before the iPod)