A Fat Chick's Ineptitude with Romance
Published May 31, 2005
When it comes to the world of romantic relationships, I'm a complete and utter dunce. I honestly don't know what qualifies as flirting. I always assume guys are being polite and making small talk; that's what I was doing.
Remember when your Mother told you that when boys pick on you at school, it means they like you? I never bought this for second. "No, I'm purty sure they were just being jerks." Personally I know when I pick on someone it's because I really don't like them. Well apparently that rule only applied in grade school; I'm more than certain when high school boys were shouting wonderfully colored phrases and obscenities about my weight, it wasn't because they had a woody for me.
And yet through all this; do you believe I was actually accused of trying to steal men from other gals? We can roll around on the floor laughing for hours over that one. What in God's name would they want with me? But to my utter disbelief, it did happen.
In high school my friend Gigi and I were always looking out for my Cousin Amy's best interest. Amy was sweet, fun and the prettiest lil thing (and she still is), but unfortunately she had inherited that miserable trait from her Mother: Must always have a man. And so obviously Gigi and I took it upon ourselves to approve of her boyfriends, and if we didn't, we'd find another suitor. We never had much work to do in high school anyway, and playing matchmaker was much more fun, or fending off jerks from the mentally challenged kids.
Well here was Amy with a new boyfriend; there was nothing particularly wrong with him except that he was incredibly dull. But somehow, and from where is beyond me, tension began to mount in this relationship - on dull boy's side of course. He confided in our dear Amy that he was considering dumping her. The next morning when we pick her up for school out she came, skipping along inna short skirt and her shirt only halfway buttoned. Gigi said, "Oh no," and quickly buttoned her shirt all the way back up to her neck nearly chokin her.
It was time for a new boyfriend hunt, and we didn't have to look far. Gigi and I had a mutual acquaintance, our darling boy Josh. In fact Gigi had found him first and couldn't wait to show him off, he was just the cutest thing. And lest I forget the most important part of this scenario; Amy and Josh had dated previously, in fact I never understood why they broke up. Amy still held a torch for Josh that lit up the night sky and quite frankly he was the only guy we approved of. One small hitch though, Josh had a girlfriend. Gigi's plan was simple; bold but still simple: Anytime one of us saw Josh with his current, we would run up to him, squeeze between the two and rub all over him. Not surprisingly this plan worked like a charm, and the current What's Her Face was no more. But oh pooh, Dull Boy decided he liked Amy again. Now we have double duty; breaking those two up while keeping Josh occupied, and that's where it backfired. For a short, 350 pound 16 year old it's impossible to believe that an actual man might consider you more than just a friend, and certainly that man would never be a darling blonde headed boy with the most devilish of grins.
- A Fat Chick's Ineptitude with Romance
- Published: May 31, 2005
- Type: Opinion
- Section: Culture
- Filed Under: Culture: Society, Culture: Family and Relationships
- Writer: Brooke Lee
- Brooke Lee's BC Writer page
- Brooke Lee's personal site
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Comments on this articleComments
Well I did just look at your pics at your site - the smile is always there. That's refreshing.
Hey Brooke, ust got back from your site. Had a lot of fun there, some poignant observations. Have you really gotten into a tub with ice in it?
Anyway, welcome to BC. I'm looking forward to more of your irreverence.
Flirting? Hell, I used to flirt with everyone. Now I flirt when the doll girl isn't looking. She's a sensitive sort. No go at the dating web site? :-) don't blame you.
The Amsterdam concept would be good for a blog or two, but what to do with the poor whipped bastards once you get done?
cheers!
Hi, I tried to comment on your blog (non-BC blog) and I couldn't figure out how to register. Ya don't make it easy! :)
Oh they say you have to register but I have it set so folks can comment anonymously. You can just ignore that Login and Password crap and comment to your heart's content -- it'll show up.
Until quite recently, I totally thought flirting was just something you did for fun. I didn't think it had an actual purpose. This was a great post, I really enjoyed reading it.
was going to read this post until I saw how dreadfully long it was. Society has warped my fragile mind, and I can't handle any points made outside of a 5 paragraph setting.
funny, everyone told me quitting English after 8th grade would hurt me in the end.
Yes it was a dreadfully long post. I often pass by long posts myself, but suddenly my attention span becomes completely focused when the entire article is about me.
Keen irony, those stick-figure thin people on that book cover. But leaving that aside, thanks for the interesting observations, Brooke.
Sometimes I think about my life as if it were a novel, and wonder what I'd have to do for anybody to read it. Trust me, nobody would ever want to read about what I actually do all day. If I were my own biographer I'd have to fictionalize my story. Spice it up. Make the main character do something interesting! It almost doesn't matter what it is. Anything!
Then I realize: hey! I am my own biographer! I'm the author of my life, goshdarnit! I could make the main character do something interesting today, right now, this very moment.
I could charm my way into a business office and cut a million-dollar deal.
I could stride into the halls of government and start a reform movement destined to sweep the nation.
I could slide into a club and ask out the most attractive person there.
But then I realize my lunch break is over, so I get back to work.
Charisma and charm can't be hidden by excess baggage.
Good post, thanks for sharing Brooke.
Ya know after I posted this I wondered if it was a mistake; it was so bloody raw and open. It looked completely out place amongst all the Bigfoot sightings and updates on the Michael Jackson's trial.
Then when the only reply I got was suggesting a fat folks dating service, I knew I'd buggered up.
But I was wrong; many people looked past the glaring title of this post and discovered something else. Saw what I saw? Maybe. Found something else? Could be. Was truly enlightened and hopes to worship me for all eternity? Gosh I sure hope so.
Some folks had differencing opinions, and I personally quite enjoyed my banter with H.W.
I'm not hurt. My God to be so thin skinned after all this time, I never possibly coulda made it through life so far. When you slit yourself open for the entire world to see, not everyone is going to enjoy it nor be able to handle it.
Anyways for the folks who took the time to visit my personal site; you know I'm no longer 430. :)
That's right. There's always someone who wants you to define your happiness and worth by their standards. There's no point in giving them the satisfaction.
I believe the expression which says living well is the best revenge.
Brooke, I went to and enjoyed your site, and given that you're not currently svelte, you don't look bad at all. I actually have an acquaintance about your size who's not nearly as pretty who recently got married and had her first kid. She dropped quite a bit of weight for before getting pregnant, but then gained most of it back in the inevitable process. Her husband, of course, is virtually two-dimensional, but a nice guy.
As for flirting, it's all just talking to people. Don't think of it as flirting, think of it as just chatting. It's not about sex, it's not about being 'cute' or getting attention, it's just about expressing your personality and finding out a little about the other person. Plus, it's harmless and never has to go any farther than you want it to. Plus, practice makes perfect.
Dave
Errr, maybe I shoulda posted something about Bigfoot or Michael Jackson instead.
I am focusing on the post and the post alone. Ms. Lee, this would make an interesting book. Your observations and experiences are fascinating and there is such heart and emotion within the words. I've not see your picture yet, but it sounds like you are one beautiful woman to me. Thank you for sharing this, and apologies for, well, you know. This is often a sad place.
Saw the photos and I was right: You *are* beautiful.
Brooke, your post was indeed appropriate for the site and I liked it very much. Flirting is an artform and a dance, it's difficult to define and hard to pin down. It takes time and effort to figure it out and lots of people get it wrong - apparently you are good at it in spite of your efforts to do otherwise.
Be proud - and of course you are lovely!
thanks Brooke and nothing but the best to you
oh, and Bigfoot and Michael Jackson are always excellent themes
Oh don't hound Eric; I imagine the poor guy got his share of email. No matter what there's always gonna be assholes.
I've tried to right the wrongs before; sometimes I triumphed and sometimes I failed miserably. But if we didn't have the occasional wrong in the world then we couldn't be so damn boastful when we got something right. :)
I just didn't want it to look as though HW was hobbling off like a wounded old man.
Flirting is every bit as relevant here, in my opinion, as all that other stuff about Bigfoot and Michael Jackson.
Just keep them separate, that's all I ask.
Flirting or Michael Jackson or Bigfoot = good article! Read and enjoy!
Flirting and Michael Jackson, or flirting and Bigfoot = bad article! Run for your life!
Welcome to Blogcritics. We could use more females. Maybe you'd like my writing here. In case you can't find a link, try cutting and pasting this:
http://blogcritics.org/author.php?author=Cerulean
But flirting and mj and bigfoot might not be so bad, eh? Might be just the harsh dose of reality jacko needs.
Dave
I think Michael Jackson and Bigfoot should do a Broadway Musical together and close with a brief rebuttal.
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Thanks for the post Brooke.
I won't attempt anything trite at the moment (I'll wait some and then trite away :-) ) - but thanks for posting.