Inspired by a recent entry by DrPat entitled, "Why Men Are Just Happier Than Women," I've included Shark's handy-dandy reply.

Not only do I hope to balance out the stereotypes and evil misogynist sentiments portrayed in that sexist series of 'jokes' — but I also hope to score points with the babes, thus increasing my chances of getting a piece of ass 'cause I'm such a nice, sympathethic-kinda guy.

(NOTE: This wasn't some list that arrived in my email thanks to my cousin Louie in Kansas who happens to think every moronic little anecdote from his "White Christian Knights Against Evil Liberal Evolutionist Abortion Doctors" chat room is friggin' HILARIOUS.

No, I came up with these all on my little lonesome, which is either an indicator of my vast well of creative humor — or a sign that I need to get a life.)

Herewith:

Women...

* ...Aren't forced to compensate for their fathers' lack of childhood sports skills every Saturday morning throughout their formative years.

* ...Can sit and read every time they go to the bathroom.

* ...Can spend time alone with Catholic priests, Boy Scout leaders, and Baptist Youth ministers without feeling sexually threatened

* ...Don't worry about going bald

* ...Never have to rearrange their testicles while wearing tight pants

* ...Never get their sex organs caught in their zippers while drunk

* ...Don't have to constantly answer "What are you gonna be when you grow up?" shortly after their third birthday.

* ...Don't have to run a super-sharp piece of metal over their facial epidermal layer each and every morning of their adult lives.

* ...Can bludgeon someone to death with a baseball bat and then get off scot-free by claiming a "hormonal imbalance"

* ...Can commit cold-blooded murder and not only get off scot-free, but end up with a book deal and an appearance on Oprah merely by mentioning "years of violent spousal abuse"

* ...Don't have to go in a pubic women's restroom and worry about some previous occupant pissing and shitting on the seat, the floor, and the surrounding walls.

* ...ALWAYS outlive their husbands.

* ...Have a wide variety of commercial, sweet smelling deodorants for their sex organ.

* ...In a moment of anger, can call someone a "cunt" without being exiled and excommunicated from the community of humankind.

* ...know exactly what to do when a child is sick.

* ...don't have a freaky, semi-oedipal relationship with their overbearing mothers

* ...don't ever have to spit

* ...don't ever have to hold one nostril shut while blowing a huge loogie out the other

* ...have an astute, innate sense of when to change underwear before it becomes a Petri Dish for bacteria development

* ...never pull a back muscle screaming at the television during a sports event.

* ...don't have to worry about which family member will inherit and care for their collection of baseball caps

* ...never lose six hours on a Saturday morning watching fishing shows on OLN

* ...can terminate a bladder emptying event without waiting for 'the shake'

* ...can tell their doctors anything

* ...Can simulate a perfect, entire sex act with nothing more than ten idle minutes and a zucchini.

Oh, and the best one of all:

* ...MULTIPLE ORGASMS

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I'm sure there are more, but the day is young and the coffee is cold.

xxoo
Shark