I related very strongly to the first part of your story. I grew up in New York and then, for reasons I only fully realized much later, moved to California around seven years ago. Five were spent up in the Bay, actually, thought I've been down near LA for a year and a half now.

I went through several stages of development out in Cali: settling in, deep homesickness, bi-coastal anxiety, you name it, I felt it. But each time I went to visit, I went through the process of realizing that Cali was my home and that I was more at "home" there than I could ever be, or perhaps ever really was, in New York.

Now, when I go back, I feel like a visitor. New York City offers the ultimate vacation for me: places to crash, old friends to hang/chill/party 'till hours with, and a full city of delights to keep me occupied and engaged. Long Island and Westchester are where the remaining family is, and I still have strong attachments as far as my home town.

But I'm at the other side now and realize I made the right choice, for whatever the reasons I did.

Thanks for a strong, interesting rumination.

Eric, you nailed it for me, too. A definite issue for me is that many of my good friends are now parents, which is fine, but parenthood changes people's priorities, outlook, perspective, and even definition of a "good time." That said, I enjoy watching them interact with their children and being a part of that whole thing though it's not where I'm at or will likely be in my own personal life.

But the bigger issue, which you put into words for me, is that for the first time since I left 5 years ago, I felt like a visitor. It didn't feel like a homecoming as it did previous times. It felt more the way I imagine it would if I had gone on foreign study years ago, stayed in touch w/ the people I'd met, and then went back to visit after a long absence. I found it disconcerting; I mean these are my best friends. I've been through everything with them. Even when my mom died last year, a few of them immediately dropped everything and came to me. I didn't ask it of them, but they did, it and it meant a lot to me. I would do the same for any of them, but the truth is, we're on completely different paths now.

It was an unexpected realization but also one that confirms my existence in a very grounding way and in a way that doesn't negate their choices or the validity of our friendships.

Thanks for sharing your experience. I didn't think I was alone in it, but it's nice to know directly that something you go through is not a solitary experience.

Tell the truth though: isn't true you can only get a good bagel in New York? :)

Oh yeah, New York's the best place on the planet for bagels and pizza both (legend has it it's the water...). However, LA's surprisingly good, way better than the Bay, I'm sorry to say.

The kid factor would certainly do it on many levels. The truth is, very likely, that even if you still lived in town, you'd be in a very different place with your friends with kids -- it's a life changing kind of thing.

That said, it's really really tough to have that same level of comradeship and closeness once you move away. I was almost angry about it at times: why won't they call more? why am I the one who always... etc. etc.

Then I realized that I had moved on, I had moved away. So the keeping up with part was largely up to me.

It's tough, but over time I learned who the truly close, the truly best friends are and maintain great cross-country correspondence and visits whenever possible.

Actually, one of the many reasons I left is because I anticipated the day when my friends when start to have families, and I knew I wouldn't be "the baby" any more. (Now I'm "the aunt"). But I've been lucky in that most of them have been really good at maintaining a connection. I don't feel like the impetus is on me, even though I'm the one who left. I've really been fortunate.

As for bagels and pizza, you can add Chinese food to the list. I'm more a Hunan/Shezuan (sp.?) kind of a gal. I don't know how it is in L.A., but as you probably know, Mandarin and Cantonese rule the day in SF, and it's just not for me. Can't complain about the sushi, though.

Nice blog, you've got by the way. I just checked it out....

Thanks very much for checking out the old DumpsterBust.com...

I was never a big Chinese food person SF. In the East Bay, at any rate, the Thai and Japanese food was absolutely first rate. Just found a Thai place in Pasadena that can even compete with Cha-am in Berkeley, which was out of this world good, and pretty darned cheap as well.

If you're interested, I get into some of the background of my move to Cali as part of my Big Bad Voodoo Daddy concert review.