Yankees slugger Jason Giambi (above) will run the Kentucky Derby this weekend.

Written by Dennis Haviland

NEW YORK, NY (PoopyCaca.com) - Reeling from a dismal start to the season, the New York Yankees continued to shake up their lineup Thursday, with owner George Steinbrenner making the surprise move to convert steroid-plagued slugger Jason Giambi into a centaur and run him in the Kentucky Derby this Saturday.

"Jason’s a warrior, but he’s just not the hitter he was when he was on the juice, so I made the decision to turn him into a horse-man and run him in the Derby," said Steinbrenner, who said that he fully expects his prized Bellamy Road to win the Derby and is merely using Giambi to intimidate the other horses. "I want him to mix it up a little bit, maybe bite and tackle some of the other horses out of the gate."

New York Yankees Owner and Horse-Man Racing Enthusiast George Steinbrenner.

A clause in Giambi’s contract states that if his average slipped below .250 for more than a year, he could then be used for "other purposes" at Mr. Steinbrenner’s discretion. Following Thursday night’s game against the Devil Rays, Giambi, who has been wearing horseshoes and drinking horse urine and semen for several weeks, was sawed in half and then his torso was sewn onto a headless thoroughbread. Doctors said Giambi, who will run under the name Il Giambino, had an easy transformation given his years of heavy steroid use.

Prior to the procedure, veterinarian Harvey Miller said, "He should bind up into that horse body pretty quickly given the diameter of his blood vessels and the levels of equine hormone already in his body." Miller warned, however, that Giambi could end up with horse teeth.

Giambi, whose new girlfriend is a centaur (see below), intends to run the race and will not file a grievance with the Major League Players Association.

"I’m going to honor the contract," said Giambi, who has been mired in controversy since it was disclosed that he admitted using steroids to a California grand jury. "A lot of kids still look up to me, and I want them to see that you can make mistakes and face hard times and still come back and be successful, whether it’s playing baseball or attacking other horses in the nation’s most prestigious horse race."

Jason Giambi’s centaur girlfriend.