The Duke Reads "If Chins Could Kill" By Bruce Campbell
Published April 09, 2005
Damn you, Bruce Campbell. Damn your every inch.
Some time ago, a certain ladyfriend of yours truly asked, in all seriousness, that maybe what I might wanna do is have two belts criss-crossing my torso, rip my shirt up good, and whisper about "Come get some" in preparation for some coital-filthing.
Some of you may, quite reasonably, assume that it's all on account of The Duke's manly physique, and his rugged, lumberjack-esque stature, and how the belts and the shirt and the "Come get some" are the kinda things I would have gotten up to anyhow, even if I hadn't been asked. The last thing you'd imagine is that no, it's because it would ensure that The Duke, in dress sense if nothing else, closer resembled Ash, Bruce Campbell's character in Army Of Darkness.
She wanted a fumble with Ash.
Ash as presented in Evil Dead or even Evil Dead II - Dead By Dawn, however, wouldn't do for a motherfucking second. Only Army Of Darkness Ash would suffice.
I coulda sawed my hand off and had it chase me about the motherfucking floor, but you think that woulda got her going? Only if I was doing it like at the start of Army Of Darkness when it lets you know what happened in the last one.
Our relationship was doomed, and for that I can only blame Bruce Campbell. Maybe I could've gotten away with a decent impersonation of the awkward, kinda geeky Ash from the first half of Evil Dead. But Ash in Army Of Darkness? Campbell had crafted a vision of heroic masculine perfection that I, with my skinny frame and yet oddly protruding gut, with my pointy nose and distinctly non-distinct chin, could never for a second hope to emulate.
I learned to accept it, though. It helped that I loved Bruce Campbell immensely. It helped that all three Evil Dead flicks are among my very favorites of all ever in so far as the motion-films are concerned. It helped that he kicked such ferocious arse in Terminal Invasion. It helped that he made a fucking good Elvis. It helped that he's funny and self-deprecating and generally a hella nice fella.
But now, Campbell, you've gone too far.
There I am reading your autobiography, the brilliant, hilarious, truly touching If Chins Could Kill - Confessions Of A B-Movie Actor, kindly on loan from good Sir Fleming, head of Mondo Marketing Guerrilla Division. In fact, I had finished the book proper, and was approaching the end of the Book Tour stuff you added on the end a while later. I was thinking that, much as I loved the core text, I think I love this book tour stuff that little bit more. Hearing about you driving across the country with your wife, stopping here and there for to take a wander round forest trails or see a ball game, hearing the stories of fans who had braved all sorts of conditions to meet you for that fleeting moment, and reading of your genuine heart-felt admiration for those followers, well, I could feel a lump in the throat, is the truth of the facts. Your extended discussion regarding the art of the handshake was as brilliantly observed and witty an account of handshaking as I ever in my life have read.
The Duke (Aaron McMullan to his parents and the clergy) is a Northern Irish writer, performer and insomniac currently residing in London. He is the creator of Mondo Irlando, wherein his scribblings and hollerings can be found. He is currently working towards the completion of his first novel, and his debut "punk / country / folk / whatever" album has recently been released by Ex Libris Records . You can also pop by His MySpace Page and maybe have a coffee and a biscuit.
- The Duke Reads "If Chins Could Kill" By Bruce Campbell
- Published: April 09, 2005
- Type: Review
- Section: Books
- Filed Under: Books: Nonfiction, Books: Entertainment, Books: Biography
- Writer: Duke De Mondo
- Duke De Mondo's BC Writer page
- Duke De Mondo's personal site
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Comments on this articleComments
He's pretty motherfuckin good isn't he? He'll figure it out soon enough. Best yet - I don't think it'll go to his motherfucking head.
I'm putting this comment on my resume by the way.
Kirsten showed up at the singing for my book, doesn't she do that for everyone?
Duke -- Yet another brilliant foray into madness, filmic lore, and the everlong quest of she that we must to refer to as She.
Evil Dead II is one of my favorite movies of all time, certainly Top 5. I've often strived to be both badass and goofy enough to say "Who's laughing now?" Anyway, the scene when everything in the house is laughing at our poor Ash is one of the best and funniest I've ever seen in my life.
Campbell was once described to me as the "best bad actor of all time." Does he get into his famous broad screen persona? I think he's great, personally, and he turned Bubba Ho-Tep from a ho hum number into a fun romp of a flick.
I had no idea that Campbell and Raimi went back to school days together. Very cool stuff.
I've seen this book at the bookstore a few times, and I had that longing feeling... please Lord (of your choice), grant me the 12-15 hours needed to get through this surely bountiful and entertaining retrospective...
thanks all!
and if it needs a further reccomendation, and i think it does, this book fucking rules beyond reason.
But if he thinks i'll forget the trauma, hurt, agony, slight flu, he can think again. and this time, he better think the exact opposite.
It's "airs and graces", Duke. Not sure how one would put on 'heirs'. Putting your kid on your shoulders perhaps? :-)
This book review has been selected for Advance.net. You'll be able to find this and other Blog Critics reviews at such places at Cleveland.com's Book Reviews column.
nice one eric, cheers. good editing job, too.
dave; "Not sure how one would put on 'heirs'. Putting your kid on your shoulders perhaps? :-)"
exactly. bruce didn't do that once.
ahem.
A damn fine review, Duke, and now I'm feeling the need to rush out and pick this one up. Sounds highly entertaining--not unexpected, coming from Bruce Motherfucking Campbell.
thanks Joel. and yeah, entertaining as hell. incidentally, does anyone have any info on his forthcoming Make Love The Bruce Campbell Way? as i illustrate in the review, this knowledge would have been very useful a while back.
I was not that familiar with Bruce Campbell when my sister loaned me her book. It was a great read! We read the book because he knows our cousins and talks about them in the book. Recommended whether or not you're a Bruce fan.
Hysterical review, Duke! Fans of Bruce Campbell ("Evil Dead", "Army of Darkness", "Xena: Warrior Princess", "The Adventures of Brisco County Jr", "Jack of All Trades") may be interested in meeting Bruce during his tour for his audio version of the book "Make Love The Bruce Campbell Way" September 27-30, 2005 in Los Angeles, San Francisco, Seattle and Portland. His second book continues the "B" movie theme with a fictional (?) bumbling B-movie actor Bruce Campbell scoring an A-list film; hilarity ensues. The audio book is narrated by Bruce himself as well as a host of other actors! More about the book and tour is on his site at www.bruce-campbell.com. Cheers!
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This has got to be the best reviews of Bruce's book I've come across yet!
I'm still laughing, not at your pain and heartache mind you-- If I didn't own the book already I would have to grab a Boomstick and chainsaw, kill a few Deadites and get one--or just buy it from Amazon.com!
Seriously Duke--you add much color and flavor to an otherwise hum-drum profession.
Now I have to read "If Chin's Could Kill" again--along with all your other reviews.