Top Ten Headlines That Are Not April Fool's Day Jokes

Written by Richard Porter
Published April 04, 2005
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3. Steroid user and baseball oddball Jose Canseco actually looks like the most honest man in America when his book "outs" other baseball players who used steroids. Homerun hitters, and "coincidentally" the only players who hit more homeruns than Roger Maris and his single season record, Barry Bonds, Sammy Sosa and Mark McGuire all deny using steroids and call Canseco "crazy." Actually, McGwire just sat there and quacked like a duck in front of Congress.

2. A Florida woman is taken off of her feeding and tube and starved for almost two weeks as a bitter legal battle ensues between her loving parents and her adulterous husband and father of multiple children (sired with his girlfriend). Oh, and the legal battle from the husband's side is funded with money awarded to him through a medical malpractice suit with the intent to financially take care of his wife's medical care.

1. The leader of the United States and the free world, President George W. Bush heads the spread of democracy and peace throughout the Middle East and also the Ukraine and is actually demonized by the French (the French!), Germany, and our own very warm, liberal media. What's the frequency Dan Rather?


THOSE THAT ALMOST MADE THE CUT:

Kofi Annan, head of the United Nations, whose son Kojo is tied into the current "oil for food" scandal involving Saddam Hussein, would be against the United States going to war with Iraq. Did I mention that France, Germany, Russia, and again our cuddly liberal media agree with Kofi?

Again from my posts, Chris Rock challenges a liberal media audience (Hollywood) with anti-Bush jokes at this year's Oscar telecast. As previously described, without his trademark raunchy humor and strong language, Rock had no choice but to go for the "jugular" by criticizing the president and throwing red meat to Tim Robbins.

If a tree falls in a forest and nobody is around to hear it fall, does it make a sound?
The NHL canceled an entire season due to owners and players agreeing to disagree on all issues...
...and really does anyone care?

After Kobe Bryant's rape trial, who would have thought that out of the big three of the Los Angeles Lakers, Kobe would stay, Shaq would be traded and Phil Jackson would resign. Well, at least now Kobe can be "da man" on his 4th place Lakers team and watch Shaq win the championship this year.


MOST HONORABLE MENTION:

Michael Moore DOES NOT win or even get nominated in the BEST FILM EDITING category at the Oscars. What were they thinking? His film is the most creatively woven tale derived from so much footage it makes an MTV music video seem almost motionless.

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Top Ten Headlines That Are Not April Fool's Day Jokes
Published: April 04, 2005
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Section: Culture
Writer: Richard Porter
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Comments

#1 — April 4, 2005 @ 12:07PM — DrPat [URL]

Interesting concept, Richard - I'll bet the incoming flames are already on their way (especially in light of item #2).

#2 — April 4, 2005 @ 12:10PM — Richard Porter

DrPat

I ALWAYS try to put out thought provoking posts that encourage plenty of conversation and feedback!

Personally, I foresee alot of "flames" from #9...it's a crime! :)

#3 — April 4, 2005 @ 12:12PM — Temple Stark [URL]

Here's one I found, pulbished on 4/1 - Ms. Wheelchair's crown removed for standing.

Link here.

#4 — April 4, 2005 @ 12:27PM — Richard Porter

Temple

That is a very interesting one! Thanks!

#5 — April 4, 2005 @ 12:53PM — DrPat [URL]

To generate flames from #9, you would have to mention stars like Michael Clark Duncan (of The Green Mile and The Scorpion King fame) or Holland Taylor (the law professor from Legally Blonde) by name.

It's those names that bring in the fan(atic) flamers...

#6 — April 4, 2005 @ 13:58PM — Richard Porter

DrPat

I did add a few more...check them out!

#7 — April 4, 2005 @ 18:10PM — Mark Schannon [URL]

You were doing o.k. until #1. Sorry, but so far, not only isn't the jury out on democracy in the Middle East, it ain't even been picked.

Doesn't it bother you that spreading democracy was not why we killed and crippled thousands of US troops and Iraqis, that the Bush Bubble Machine distorted the truth until it looked like a pretzel on steroids, that what's emerged is that our own intelligence was too stupid to even be considered retarded?

Doesn't anyone remember so-called Weapons of Mass Destruction?

While we weep for the Pope, Schiavo, children getting mowed down, shouldn't we at least be concerned about innocent people (remember "innocent until proven guilty?")tortured, sent to foreign countries to be even more tortured, and held without being charged, being allowed legal representation, or visits from family in direct violation of all human rights doctrines?

A sincere, non-sarcastic statement coming up: I honestly don't understand how Bush supporters/Republicans/ conservatives can continue to pretend that we're doing something noble in Iraq.

#8 — April 5, 2005 @ 07:44AM — Richard Porter

Honestly, do you actually expect to clog up our courts with individual trials for each of the terrorists we capture or for each of the insurgents who attack our army each day? You do realize this is war?

Were those innocent people who were beheaded given a fair trial?

Were the innocent victims of 9/11 given a fair trial for being just that innocent victims?

If this was World War II, I am certain you wouldn't have the same thought process regarding Hitler, Japan or Mussolini. Or would you?

#9 — April 5, 2005 @ 07:51AM — Richard Porter

I'll follow that up with a light one:

If a tree falls in a forest and nobody is around to hear it fall, does it make a sound?

The NHL canceled an entire season due to owners and players agreeing to disagree on all issues...

...and really does anyone care?

#10 — April 5, 2005 @ 09:09AM — jadester [URL]

if you sink to their level, you lose the right to feeling any kind of superiority over them.
And you're gonna tell me that you trust that every one of the people imprisoned as "terrorists" or "insurgents" are actually guilty, when the legal system has enough trouble with miscarriages of justice even when there actually is a trial?
and what the hell did Bush do in Ukraine?
the rest are good points

#11 — April 5, 2005 @ 09:17AM — Richard Porter

Well, I cannot be certain that every insurgent is guily but a good bet would be that if they attack one of our soldiers or attempt to use weapons against Americans, that they might be a "little" guilty.

As for the Ukraine, you really do not believe that the people of the Ukraine are affected by other similiar events in the world (events led by our President)? Do you believe that freedom and democracy can be contagious and spread into other countries?

#12 — April 5, 2005 @ 09:54AM — jadester [URL]

Well, the Ukraine has a way to go. Not a whole lot has changed - OK their president's more pro-Western than the other guy, but it wasn't really outside influences that forced the recount. The people there were quite able to affect change all by themselves. All the US, the UK, and some other countries did was to say they didn't believe the original result was the...er...result of an election that was anywhere near fair and legal.
Now, what's happening in Lebanon, you have a bit more of a case there, as some of the people involved actually said it was gradual improvements in Iraq that inspired them to protest against Syria's meddling. Although, it'll probably still be a while before you see much improvement there, as there are actually several factions that aren't too keen on each other.
And of course, there's kyrgyzstan, but there also, it's a case of "wait and see" how things pan out.

#13 — April 5, 2005 @ 09:59AM — Richard Porter

Jadester

Thanks for the positive outlook. Frankly, the entire Middle East is a "wait and see" project that currently can only be judged moment to moment. More importantly, the current events in the Middle East will be defined by its landscape in the next 5-10 years.

#14 — April 5, 2005 @ 12:02PM — Richard Porter

One more for those interested:

After Kobe Bryant's rape trial, who would have thought that out of the big three of the Los Angeles Lakers, Kobe would stay, Shaq would be traded and Phil Jackson would resign. Well, at least now Kobe can be "da man" on his 4th place Lakers team and watch Shaq win the championship this year.

#15 — April 5, 2005 @ 15:03PM — Mark Schannon [URL]

Richard, I agree with you about the NHL, but that's about it. Remember the Nuremburg Trials (or however it's spelled)?

Jadester's right--we sink to their level, how are we any different?

And...(he continues to scream into the void) won't some conservative on here comment on the lies, deceit, crappy intelligence, bad planning, and continual foulups that are at the heart of the Iraq war?

#16 — April 5, 2005 @ 15:10PM — Richard Porter

Mark

I think you may have your facts mixed up on the war on Terrorism.

How about those Rangers?

#17 — April 5, 2005 @ 15:21PM — Richard Porter

Mark

I didn't mean to brush you off but it is a painful education that all liberals must learn.

Let me guess, you think it was a war for oil?
REALITY: Well, I think we are doing pretty well with the war yet I am paying $2.30 per gallon. So...it can't be that.

Oh, I know...you think that the war began without finding WMD's and it's all Bush' fault?
REALITY: Well...as the recent reports came out they stated emphatically that it was faulty intelligence that was given to the President. He depends on these people for making correct actions and they let him down. This same intelligence was reviewed globally and all major world leaders agreed with it.

What else?
...

Oh...

...Sadam Hussein should have been kept in power and the people of Iraq are no better off.
REALITY:Well not exactly. Hussein was a murderer of thousands of his own people and was also warned countless times over the last ten years. With free elections now over and successful, the people of Iraq have one thing more than when Hussein was in power...hope.
And hope is contagious.

The U.S. should have waited for the UN to give the green light, after all this should have been a coalition of "allies".
REALITY: The UN had its own hidden agenda and its own pending problems with the oil for food scandal. Kofi Annan was plenty buy covering up his son's tracks. And those "allies", namely the French, Germany and Spain (former allies)? Thanks but no thanks.

They can't even figure out how to make the EU work.

#18 — April 5, 2005 @ 15:24PM — Richard Porter

Mark

I could keep going, but I guess you understand where I am going.

Thanks for reading my post.

#19 — April 6, 2005 @ 13:50PM — Richard Porter

One more item for the list:

That Britney Spears would NOT be on this years FHM TOP 100 list of Sexiest Women and Teri Hatcher would be in the TOP 10!
It's time to dump that dead weight...Kevin Federline.

#20 — April 6, 2005 @ 15:57PM — Richard Porter

Temple

To update your link, they have crowned a new Ms Wheelchair

New Ms Wheelchair

#21 — April 6, 2005 @ 16:33PM — Temple Stark [URL]

RE: your link: "I feel I must now stand up for Janeal Lee

classic. LOL. Thanks for the update.

#22 — April 7, 2005 @ 13:40PM — Richard Porter

No problem Temple. I am certainly glad that they fixed the lies associated with that pageant which was more scandalous than Vanessa Williams and Penthouse.

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