Top Ten Headlines That Are Not April Fool's Day Jokes
Published April 04, 2005
I really appreciated reading through the funny fake stories posted on the Blogcritics.org site, but it really got me to think about real news stories that, prior to actually occurring, would have been unimaginable and seemingly "fake." Remember, 1984 and Brave New World seemed a bit far-fetched when they were published, and they too became reality (to a certain extent).
(drum roll please)
10. Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston split over what appears to be an alleged affair between Pitt and his co-star Angelina Jolie during the filming of their recent movie, Mr. and Mrs. Smith. If Jennifer or anyone really wanted the truth, all they would have to do is check the current blood sample dangling off of Jolie's neck. For me, I'd rather go long-term with Jennifer and just watch Angelina Jolie's movies with the sound off.
9. The movie D.E.B.S. does not debut #1 or even in the TOP 5 for movie box office gross. The Sapphic love story/action film complete with sexy adult actresses playing teenagers in full-schoolgirl attire (plaid skirts!) should have really pulled in the numbers.
NOTE TO PRODUCERS: Release an R-rated DVD version and you'll make your money back and more!
8. That the reality TV fad would flesh out such legends as Farrah Fawcett, Anna Nicole-Smith, Brigitte Nielson, and the Gotti family. I am formally requesting — no demanding — that there be a Brady Bunch reality show featuring the entire family, including Oliver, living in the original Brady house for 30 days! Remember that you heard it from me first!!!
7. Are you a man or mouse...or both? Ripped from the headlines of one of my own posts, Stanford University has been given the green light to create a mouse with a significant number of human brain cells. For those frightened by this Frankenstein procedure please take heed: the scientists will stop the experiment should the mouse begin exhibiting "human" traits. Mickey, can you please take off my Metallica t-shirt and step away from my blog?
6. Hillary Clinton continues to dress up for Halloween early, as a right-leaning Democrat in her bid for the 2008 presidential election. With her gradually changing viewpoints on abortion, preventive sex, the positive and necessary impact of faith and religion for families, and of course her bid to allow the Government to take a larger role in the media's impact (negative) on children, Hillary is getting second glances from all involved. I'll admit that she will certainly make it interesting, but how can you take her seriously after she stayed with her husband after he not only cheated on her, but also publicly humiliated her as badly as Bill did with the Lewinsky scandal?
5. After his battles with the FCC and Clear Channel, Howard Stern decides to leave "free" radio for Sirius Radio, and it has absolutely nothing to do with his $500 million dollar contract (sic). Honest...hello...?
4. Music artist Michael Jackson actually goes to court to face the charges of child molestation rather than succeed in paying off the alleged victim.
RUMOR KILLER: There is no truth that Michael would sing "Beat It" during his "slumber parties" with his little friends.
JURY STILL OUT: That Michael Jackson gave the idea to the producers of "Homo Alone" after spending the weekend with Maccauley Culkin.
- Top Ten Headlines That Are Not April Fool's Day Jokes
- Published: April 04, 2005
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- Section: Culture
- Writer: Richard Porter
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Comments
DrPat
I ALWAYS try to put out thought provoking posts that encourage plenty of conversation and feedback!
Personally, I foresee alot of "flames" from #9...it's a crime! :)
Here's one I found, pulbished on 4/1 - Ms. Wheelchair's crown removed for standing.
Link here.
Temple
That is a very interesting one! Thanks!
To generate flames from #9, you would have to mention stars like Michael Clark Duncan (of The Green Mile and The Scorpion King fame) or Holland Taylor (the law professor from Legally Blonde) by name.
It's those names that bring in the fan(atic) flamers...
DrPat
I did add a few more...check them out!
You were doing o.k. until #1. Sorry, but so far, not only isn't the jury out on democracy in the Middle East, it ain't even been picked.
Doesn't it bother you that spreading democracy was not why we killed and crippled thousands of US troops and Iraqis, that the Bush Bubble Machine distorted the truth until it looked like a pretzel on steroids, that what's emerged is that our own intelligence was too stupid to even be considered retarded?
Doesn't anyone remember so-called Weapons of Mass Destruction?
While we weep for the Pope, Schiavo, children getting mowed down, shouldn't we at least be concerned about innocent people (remember "innocent until proven guilty?")tortured, sent to foreign countries to be even more tortured, and held without being charged, being allowed legal representation, or visits from family in direct violation of all human rights doctrines?
A sincere, non-sarcastic statement coming up: I honestly don't understand how Bush supporters/Republicans/ conservatives can continue to pretend that we're doing something noble in Iraq.
Honestly, do you actually expect to clog up our courts with individual trials for each of the terrorists we capture or for each of the insurgents who attack our army each day? You do realize this is war?
Were those innocent people who were beheaded given a fair trial?
Were the innocent victims of 9/11 given a fair trial for being just that innocent victims?
If this was World War II, I am certain you wouldn't have the same thought process regarding Hitler, Japan or Mussolini. Or would you?
I'll follow that up with a light one:
If a tree falls in a forest and nobody is around to hear it fall, does it make a sound?
The NHL canceled an entire season due to owners and players agreeing to disagree on all issues...
...and really does anyone care?
if you sink to their level, you lose the right to feeling any kind of superiority over them.
And you're gonna tell me that you trust that every one of the people imprisoned as "terrorists" or "insurgents" are actually guilty, when the legal system has enough trouble with miscarriages of justice even when there actually is a trial?
and what the hell did Bush do in Ukraine?
the rest are good points
Well, I cannot be certain that every insurgent is guily but a good bet would be that if they attack one of our soldiers or attempt to use weapons against Americans, that they might be a "little" guilty.
As for the Ukraine, you really do not believe that the people of the Ukraine are affected by other similiar events in the world (events led by our President)? Do you believe that freedom and democracy can be contagious and spread into other countries?
Well, the Ukraine has a way to go. Not a whole lot has changed - OK their president's more pro-Western than the other guy, but it wasn't really outside influences that forced the recount. The people there were quite able to affect change all by themselves. All the US, the UK, and some other countries did was to say they didn't believe the original result was the...er...result of an election that was anywhere near fair and legal.
Now, what's happening in Lebanon, you have a bit more of a case there, as some of the people involved actually said it was gradual improvements in Iraq that inspired them to protest against Syria's meddling. Although, it'll probably still be a while before you see much improvement there, as there are actually several factions that aren't too keen on each other.
And of course, there's kyrgyzstan, but there also, it's a case of "wait and see" how things pan out.
Jadester
Thanks for the positive outlook. Frankly, the entire Middle East is a "wait and see" project that currently can only be judged moment to moment. More importantly, the current events in the Middle East will be defined by its landscape in the next 5-10 years.
One more for those interested:
After Kobe Bryant's rape trial, who would have thought that out of the big three of the Los Angeles Lakers, Kobe would stay, Shaq would be traded and Phil Jackson would resign. Well, at least now Kobe can be "da man" on his 4th place Lakers team and watch Shaq win the championship this year.
Richard, I agree with you about the NHL, but that's about it. Remember the Nuremburg Trials (or however it's spelled)?
Jadester's right--we sink to their level, how are we any different?
And...(he continues to scream into the void) won't some conservative on here comment on the lies, deceit, crappy intelligence, bad planning, and continual foulups that are at the heart of the Iraq war?
Mark
I think you may have your facts mixed up on the war on Terrorism.
How about those Rangers?
Mark
I didn't mean to brush you off but it is a painful education that all liberals must learn.
Let me guess, you think it was a war for oil?
REALITY: Well, I think we are doing pretty well with the war yet I am paying $2.30 per gallon. So...it can't be that.
Oh, I know...you think that the war began without finding WMD's and it's all Bush' fault?
REALITY: Well...as the recent reports came out they stated emphatically that it was faulty intelligence that was given to the President. He depends on these people for making correct actions and they let him down. This same intelligence was reviewed globally and all major world leaders agreed with it.
What else?
...
Oh...
...Sadam Hussein should have been kept in power and the people of Iraq are no better off.
REALITY:Well not exactly. Hussein was a murderer of thousands of his own people and was also warned countless times over the last ten years. With free elections now over and successful, the people of Iraq have one thing more than when Hussein was in power...hope.
And hope is contagious.
The U.S. should have waited for the UN to give the green light, after all this should have been a coalition of "allies".
REALITY: The UN had its own hidden agenda and its own pending problems with the oil for food scandal. Kofi Annan was plenty buy covering up his son's tracks. And those "allies", namely the French, Germany and Spain (former allies)? Thanks but no thanks.
They can't even figure out how to make the EU work.
Mark
I could keep going, but I guess you understand where I am going.
Thanks for reading my post.
One more item for the list:
That Britney Spears would NOT be on this years FHM TOP 100 list of Sexiest Women and Teri Hatcher would be in the TOP 10!
It's time to dump that dead weight...Kevin Federline.
Temple
To update your link, they have crowned a new Ms Wheelchair
New Ms Wheelchair
RE: your link: "I feel I must now stand up for Janeal Lee
classic. LOL. Thanks for the update.
No problem Temple. I am certainly glad that they fixed the lies associated with that pageant which was more scandalous than Vanessa Williams and Penthouse.





Interesting concept, Richard - I'll bet the incoming flames are already on their way (especially in light of item #2).