Oscars: The Weeners and Thoughts
Published February 28, 2005
Leonardo arrives still in character from The Aviator.
Hilary Swank and Chad Lowe get a little too chummy with the "zip her in, and zip her out of her dress" talk. Chad's job seems to be to ogle his wife in a reassuring manner.
Scarlett Johansson, who hosted the technical awards presentation earlier in the week, looks very blond and lovely.
Drew Barrymore at 30 is still infectiously axiomatic but looks pretty crappy in dark hair, very pale skin, and excess puffiness.
And then it's time to switch to ABC for their half-hour of taped interviews with the same red carpet suspects, and then to the big show itself.
I can really feel the depth of the theater via the high-def broadcast, like you could just walk right into the screen. I try it, am rebuffed.
Chris Rock starts off with a bang, high energy, he's in standup mode riffing on the cartoonishness of most black-oriented movies ("those aren't titles, they're locations" re Barbershop and the like); he notes the nomination of four black performers, calling the show the "Def Oscar Jam"; he notes the new rules that Jude Law must appear in every movie, and if he isn't onscreen he's in credits for baking cookies or something. He also wails on Tobey Maguire, Colin Farrell, Cuba Gooding Jr., and others I can't recall at the moment.
Rock's "Gap vs Banana Republic go to war" schtick, in the middle of his "Bush is a better actor than anyone in this room because he won back his job back despite not doing so hot" routine is pretty clever and funny.
Other than his taped visit to the black-oriented Magic Johnson cineplex to interview the peeps regarding their preference for genre and horror over, um, artistry, Rock has essentially nothing to do the entire rest of the show, although he has a nice comment about the new technique of handing out a few of the awards from the seats, saying, "Next we'll be handing them out in the parking lot, 'an Oscar and a McFlurry to go, please.'"
The acceptance speeches are quick, they are brisk, they are brief, they seem to be largely devoid of personality as a result: yes, speed up the show which at 3 hours+ is inevitably long, but don't let the effort wag the dog, allow us some sense of who these people are, how they feel about winning, what it means to them. Isn't that what the show is about?
When did Sideshow Bob join the Counting Crows?
I miss Johnny Carson.
Beyonce can really sing and having her do three of the five songs doesn't seem absurd as she does them.
- Oscars: The Weeners and Thoughts
- Published: February 28, 2005
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- Section: Video
- Writer: Eric Olsen
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Comments
I think no matter how they spin it, the 5 second delay does inevitably does drain excitement and spontaneity from the show. Apparently it is going back to live after this year - I bet you'll be able to feel the difference.
Yes, the Lumet daughter has great tits. I wonder if she was the one who married and divorced P.J. O'Rourke in the same year.
the barely-contained beach ball look is so fake, though - I have grown weary of obvious messing with Mother Nature: subtle is fine, bursting melons and exploding lips are a bit much
As Howard Hughes once said "Who doesn't like tits?"
i know they're trying to 'spread the love', but some the awards for things like "sound editing" are boring as all hell.
best cleavage award: selma hayek.
And Howard was right, but Howard wsn't forced to experience the fruits of modern cosmetic surgery.
Anything that looks real is swell by me
I thought the "tiered" approach to handing out awards was kind of insulting. Either these people are important enough to bring up on stage for what may be their one and only BIG MOMENT ever, or they're not important enough to show on TV. But having some important enough to walk to the stage to accept their award, alone, and some are less important and so have to stand on stage with their competitors, and some aren't important and all and don't even get to the stage at all, well, that's crappy and insulting. Hopefully this will not return next year.
But, yeah, Salma Hayek . . . awesome.
as I was trying to say before we were so rudely interrupted: I think the tiered approach was okay because some awards ARE much more important than others from the public's perspective
The tiered approach didn't bother me. Any Oscar show that is over well before midnight is a good one, I think, and this way of doing it obviously did cut down on the time it takes to make that long walk to the podium.
"who arrives 2 1/2 hours early? Morgan Spurlock of Super Size Me is the answer to that question."
ha, man oh man, that knocked me out with a hefty kick in the hilarity glands. also, the joke about tryin to walk into the telly. this was some comedic gem, is what.
thanks Duker, you made my day. There wasn't a real obvious overarching theme so you do the best you can with a series of "observations"
it worked a charm, man. in my head it reads like some very droll, dry-witted commentator. very amusing.
"shaken, not stirred"
thanks again Duker


I watched more of it than I expected to, in spite of it being rather boring and unfunny. Among the impressions I came away with: Chris Rock looked absolutely great in that neat tux he was wearing, Morgan Freeman was the epitome of a class act in his acceptance speech, and the show in general, when stripped of whatever spontaneity and unpredictability it may have had at one time, is a huge snooze (compare, for example, to the year when Jack Palance won best supporting actor and Billy Crystal was hosting).
And what the hell was up with Sean Penn's hair?