2005 and Biblical Shit
Published January 03, 2005
Wow. I was wrong. Bush was right.
Man, was I wrong! I listened to my pagan instincts; big mistake.
Meanwhile, Bush listened to God. Yeah, the Real Deal.
And guess what: it turns out that God really can kick Allah's ass if He wants to.
God (aka "Mr. Forgiveness") apparently celebrated the birth of His Son, Savior and Redeemer of Humankind, by saying, "Merry Fucking Christmas and Happy Fucking New Year. It's 2005, welcome to Armageddon — oh, and have you met Tsunami?"
Yep. He finally spoke. It turns out He speaks to Bush all the time, but after September 11, God spoke to George A LOT MORE OFTEN — and I think he used the word "CRUSADE" and "INVADE" pretty regularly, too.
And of course, God is always right. And just when you get your hopes up — thinking He's that Touchy-Feely Merciful Guy from the New Testament, He turns around and puts a Cosmic Whupass on the planet.
But you'll notice He doesn't fuck with America. (Other than an occasional whack upside Florida's head; they're mostly Jews down there...) No, God fucks with godless heathens — more specifically, Muslims in the Asian-Pacific part of the world.
We Christian-Americans petition Him with prayers, asking for mercy, asking Him to play nice, asking him to make us rich and beautiful and safe. Meanwhile, those Muslims plop down, rub their foreheads on the ground in the direction of Mecca six times a day — and what do they get for all their efforts?
Drown their motherfuckin' asses en masse. If the Muslim Lemmings can't go to the sea, the sea will come to them.
And there's no time for Noah, Shem, and Ham; nope, just enough time for God's Big Cosmic Flyswatter to return some balance to the population.
Of course, in my stoned, animistic, aging-hippy vernacular, Mother Gaia always has Her say: Natural Disasters are Her way of controlling the exploding population. Pandemics are Her way of slowing economic growth. Earthquakes are Her way of telling us not to build multi-story obstacles that ruin a nice view of the horizon. Tsunamis are Her way of telling the rich tourists not to leave litter on the beach.
- 2005 and Biblical Shit
- Published: January 03, 2005
- Type:
- Section: Culture
- Writer: Shark
- Shark's BC Writer page
- Shark's personal site
- Spread the Word
- Like this article?
- Email this
Save to del.icio.us
Comments on this articleComments
I like spelling Al Qaeda with a Q. I like even more when people actually try making the sound that should start the word as opposed to the K.
Katherine, shouldn't your name be spelled with a "C"?
The big irony as far as mideast participation in rebuilding Iraq is that the biggest contributor so far is Jordan which has no oil and limited resources, but an actual sense of responsibility.
Dave
Shark, thanks for linking this to the newer 'God' post... I missed this one in January.
It does seem odd when Islamic law makes charity essentially mandatory that all these fat-cat Islamic nations seem so uninterested in actually helping out financially. Maybe the $400 million we're giving to Poland and our other allies ought to be paid by the Kuwaitis and the Saudis.
Dave
Add your comment, speak your mind
(Or ping: http://blogcritics.org/mt/tb/23862)
BTW: I've been harping on the lack of Islamic nations' participation in the relief efforts since DAY ONE.
And yesterday, the big 24 news networks finally caught up; CNN made a relatively big whoopteedoo about the lack of money from the RICHEST nations in the world.
Thanks for reading.
(and a "whassup" to my buddy, Wolf!)