Just for the record, masturbation doesn't count as "initiating sex". Neither does looking at free Internet porn. I just wanted to make that clear now, so nobody can come up to me later and claim I broke this resolution.

Stop dating flaky women

This one won't come into play until my Future Ex-Girlfriend dumps me, probably for not having sex with her often enough.

At that point, I won't start dating flaky women again. I might as well rename this resolution join a monastery and take a vow of celibacy because, you know, we are talking about women here.

Luckily, there's a built-in loophole with this one. "Dating" implies taking the woman out in public, to a restaurant or movie or some such, but if you simply pick them up at a bar when they're drunk and just take them home with you... well, that'd be o.k.

As long as you don't call them the next day or "make plans".

Usually, if she's really drunk she'll initiate the sex too — so I can still avoid that. In the morning, as an added bonus, when she doesn't remember what happened I can tell her how she wantonly seduced me in a sloppily drunken sexual frenzy the night before. Then I doubt she'll even want me to call. Sweet!

Save money

See previous resolution. Also, I resolve to stop blowing my money on bad porn and questionable investment schemes. God, I'm going to save a lot of money. Sad but true!

Spend less time with friends and family

Friends are overrated and most of my family lives too far away to make a visit practical. This one is a slam-dunk.

Don't take a trip

I hate flying and am not too keen on driving either. In fact, stepping out my front door is often a hassle. I think I'll stay inside for 2005 and silently stew in my own bitter juices instead. That sounds much more productive than going to places I really didn't want to visit in the first place. This also helps me to avoid friends and family, killing two resolved birds with one stone.

Be more of a jackass

Some reading this may argue that it isn't humanly possible for me to be more of a jackass. I beg to differ. Every so often I have a weak moment and do something kind for somebody else. That'll stop in the coming year.