SATIRE: Top Ten Things You'll Never Hear An American Politician Say During A Press Conference- Speech- Debate
Published December 16, 2004
10 - You mean to tell me the legal age of consent is 18? Oh, shit...
9 - Say what you want about Mussolini. But he got those trains running on time, didn't he?
8 - I am full of empathy for those among us who are, you know, retards. It must suck to go through life missing a chromosome. Oh, wait a minute, they actually have an extra one, don't they. Oops-y! Nevermind...
7 - I've always been a straight-shooter. I tell it like it is. And when I tell you that Easter is not a real Christian holiday, but is instead an unsavory remnant of a primitive pagan fertility festival, well, you can take that to the bank.
6 - Intelligent Design really is the way to go. I mean, does anyone seriously believe that humans "evolved" from monkeys? C'mon! I mean, you know, black folks, maybe. But not the rest of us!
5 - Just the other day, I was talking to this guy, a swing voter, and I was thinking, Holy shit! Is this dude smuggling a pair of tube socks in his drawers, or does he really like my positions?
4 - I want to thank my lovely wife Gloria for being here with me today. Yeah, things have been a little rough for us lately, but she's always been there, right by my side. Except when she's out fellating the pool guy. Which pisses me off to no end...
3 - So, as I was saying about those private retirement accounts, we must... uh... [closes eyes and shakes head] ...uh, it is our goal to... [shakes head again] ...um, bring about... [blinks repeatedly]. Oh, what the fuck? The Paxil just wore off. Oh, shit, the PAXIL JUST WORE OFF! AND PEOPLE ARE LOOKING AT ME! [runs off stage, screaming...]
2 - And I am honored to bestow the Medal of Freedom upon Mr. Michael Moore...
1 - Whoa! I'll be right back. I really have to do a number two...
Feel free to offer your own funny quotes in the comments section below!
RJ Elliott is a graduate student studying Criminal Justice at the University Of Central Florida. His likes include nature, sports, and pierced blondes. He dislikes daytime television, left-wing dictators, and lead-tainted Chinese imports. He is ambivalent about Angelina Jolie.
- SATIRE: Top Ten Things You'll Never Hear An American Politician Say During A Press Conference- Speech- Debate
- Published: December 16, 2004
- Type: Satire
- Section: Politics
- Writer: RJ Elliott
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- RJ Elliott's personal site
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"Mr Constituent, I'm afraid that your needs do not constitute a moral license to have us congressmen take money for you at gunpoint from other citizens."
I'm sorry, it's my fault, and I take full responsibility for it.
...unless it's for a major weapons system. the fact that the developer of said system happens to come from my district is pure coincidence."
"I'm sorry, but that's not a problem for the federal government. We have no authority under the US Constitution to do anything about that."
"...I think RJ is a brilliant and funny satirist!"
I couldn't just move into a district and run for high office merely because I'm a high-profile politico. True representation should arise from the people being represented.
"I'm supporting this measure, because the RIAA paid me a lot of money to"
"This is one of several issues where we were wrong and our opponents were right."
"Hey, there's Colin Powell! Wassup, Nigga!"
"I don't see what the fuss is about - I just called Keith Olberman 'jewboy' fer chrissakes! He IS a jew you know - the nose is a dead giveaway!"
"I wouldn't mind a threesome with Bush's daughters. They're legal, right?"
"...I'm guilty...."
"...I was wrong...."
"...It was my fault...."
"...My opponent makes a good point...."
"...I am not for sale...."
"...I am not for sale...."
Nancy, actually you will here this quite often out of politicians and other wannabe power freaks. The appropriate response is:
"we've already established what you are - now we're merely negotiating the price."
"Actually, now you bring it up, I do not stand by my Attorney General. He's a total slobbering incompetent and I'll be firing him. Right now, in fact. Tony, take a letter..."
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My record speaks for itself.