Terrorists may seek to down aircraft by shining powerful lasers into cockpits to blind pilots during approaches, U.S. officials warned in a nationally distributed bulletin.

The memo, sent by the FBI and the Homeland Security Department, says there is evidence that terrorists have explored using lasers as weapons.

According to anonymous government sources, this is just the first of many new weapons that may be used by terrorists in the coming months. A recently leaked memo, detailing other methods of attack, is only now surfacing.

Both high- and low-tech weapons are noted, including...

Terrorist's Bowler Hat

Made of black felt with a silk inner lining, its rim is inset with a bladed edge stainless steel ring. The bowler hat is weighed for throwing, making terrorism both fashionable and easy. It adds a personal touch to an often inhumanly impersonal act as the wearer can look into the eyes of his target at the moment the head is severed from the body by the thrown bowler hat.

Knock-out Lipstick

A new breed of female terrorist is about to hit U.S. shores and, with the male libido being what it is, there may be no stopping them. Dressed in cut-off jeans and tight t-shirts, these women will be able to infiltrate both airports and stadium rock concerts with just one kiss. Any unsuspecting security guard who falls prey to their wily terrorist ways will be unconscious within seconds, leaving the building he is supposed to be watching wide open to attack.

Suction Cup Climbing Shoes

Terrorists can simply walk up the side of a building, thus bypassing any security checkpoints inside, with suction cup climbing shoes. This also avoids having to hijack a commercial airliner in order to destroy a skyscraper, the method preferred by three out of four terrorists surveyed, which has become nothing but a big pain in the ass since 9/11.

Now, armed with an assortment of explosive devices, a group of terrorists can walk up any edifice and plant bombs. Or, with simple glass-cutting tools, enter it through windows many floors up. Both "black dress shoes" and "sneakers" designs are available so as to fit any occasion.

Helio-coat

Due to the bold implementation of U.S. anti-terrorism measures, the number of both actual and potential terrorists worldwide has precariously dwindled. With the terrorist pool at an all-time low, the option of killing oneself in an attack just isn't as attractive as it once was. Also, the promise of 77 virgins waiting for you in the great beyond pales in comparison to the thrill of slaughtering innocent people and living to brag about it later.