MALDEN, MA - With recent moves by school boards in Kansas, Wisconsin and Missouri to treat creationism as valid scientific theory, the school board of the state of Massachusetts has introduced legislation to require teaching of "St. Elsewherism" to all students.

"St. Elsewherism" is the theory that, since all 164 episodes of the 1980s hit show St. Elsewhere actually took place in the mind of autistic child Tommy Westphall, any other series with tie-ins or crossovers to St. Elsewhere must also have taken place within Tommy's mind. To date, scientists have shown that 172 series, across six decades, were all imagined by young Mr. Westphall. At the current rate of discovery, scientists feel it's "only a matter of time" before they can prove that Tommy Westphall is actually responsible for the entire history of humanity, and, eventually, the creation of the universe.

Administrators for the school board said they've switched to teaching St. Elsewherism over evolution and creationism for obvious reasons. "What's the worst those monkey-loving evolutionists can do, fling poop at us?" said one. "And the creationists just want to threaten our eternal souls based on a fairy tale found in a 2,000-year old book. A book! Are you fucking kidding me? We're talking about television here, people. Television! Everyone knows television trumps a book."