I have to tell you folks that I think president Bush's strategy to keep us safer is failing.

This was my first thought when our buddy Osama — the bearded boogie-man — reared his twisted head last week in my living room. That's right — He just stopped by to give me some advice as to how we might find our way out of this "war on terror" dilemma. I was all ears because — truly — how often do you come face to face with Osama? Once every 6-12 months maybe?

Anyway, the leader of the diabolical evil that faces our country was in my living room making threats that we will be attacked again! I couldn't believe that he was there — dragging sand through my foyer! I told him that the majority of Americans believe strongly that we were doing the right thing and that our leader was not a lying son-of-a-bitch and a coward as he suggested, but he pressed on.

I thought he might have something far better to do but I guess he thought it would be important to remind me again to pass on the facts that our country is still on a course that is making his people a little unhappy over there in Mesopotamia. OB thought we might want to consider looking at other options like possibly moving all our shit back to our own country? He continued to stress that the best course of action was simply to leave them alone so they could tend to their sheep and beat their women in peace. "We are simple people" he said, "We just want want god has given us rights to — land, sand, sheep, goats and our women."

I wasn't really sure what to tell him and I kept reinforcing the fact that we as the American people really don't have any control over our foreign policy. I told him "our government keeps us in the dark, they don't tell us the true facts, and hell, the majority of Americans voted against this guy in the first place! We would love to leave you alone in your desolate sandy hell, but our leaders just don't see it that way."

Osama just adjusted his turbine and scratched his beard and said "Sorry, you and every person within the borders of A-mear-ree-ka are the face of evil and we are unable to separate you from your leaders. You must spread the word that your leaders are going to cause you great pain in the near future. They will not and cannot protect you. The choice is yours.

With that he left my family and I — jaws dropped and awestruck — standing in our living room.

Soon after our visit with Osama president Bush quickly rang the doorbell and said the following before I could even tell him the news...