I'm sure there's a digital satellite channel programmed by Roky Erikson, Lee "Scratch" Perry and Tim Burton, because our picks of this weeks DVD titles are mostly bad news, zombies, vampires, and one ray of redemption, and these picks would be in high rotation. Now, let's play a little game, I have in my hands two fortune cookie fortunes — one says "zombies", the other says "vampires", pick one, go on pick one, what are you scared? Because it's one or the other. Sure, I could just have the highlights in alphabetical order, but I much prefer making you choose between two bad (but on the whole, bad-good, not bad-bad) choices.

So, zombies it is to start with. This week we get the remake of "Dawn of the Dead", following on the recent theatrical NorthAm release of "Shaun of the Dead". Unlike that movie, this features "fast zombies", and was made here in Toronto, which is getting somewhat of a reputation for the old zombie action, also the location of the new "Resident Evil" movie. Apparently Sarah Polley was trying to plan and accomplish her wedding while making this movie, which paired with "The Sweet Hereafter" will probably make a hell of a double bill for when you and the missus have a night in. Make sure though you pay attention to what you pick up since they're releasing different versions.

And when you're talking about bad choices, dead people, spreading destruction, and wandering packs of zombies in search of brains, well, you've got FAHRENHEIT 9/11. There's not a lot I can say about this you probably haven't already made your mind up about, unless you're outside the States, where you get an idea of what the effects of repeated hurricanes of bullshit making landfall look like. Michael Moore is a shit disturber, and if you can't respect him for that, then you probably won't like this movie. If that's the case, go rent "Bubba Ho-Tep" instead, it's also about cancer of the penis and ass-sucking mummies, but features actors acting from a fictional script.

On the vampire front, we have two classics, both of them releases with commentaries and stuff, but the movies themselves are worth watching on their own.

"The Hunger" is Tony Scott's first feature, and begins with Bauhaus performing "Bela Lugosi's Dead", has David Bowie, Susan Sarandon, Catherine Deneuve, and scenes which if you aren't already a lesbian, one viewing, and you're a lesbian. I saw this when it was first released, and I know it spoiled me on the duet from "Lakme" forever without getting all lusciously billowy and soft-focus. A vampire movie without much of the mythology, if you really want to know why your screwed up kids are becoming Goths, they probably saw this. Encourage them to watch this, and then tell them the central message of the movie is "vampires aren't real, grow up". Because if you don't grow, you'll wind up sitting in a waiting room ... and the next thing you know ...