Bush, Kerry in hi-tech war of words

Written by halfacanuck
Published October 04, 2004

Election debates entered a new hi-tech arena Thursday, with both candidates employing sophisticated electronic devices to help them in their verbal spar, halfacanuck can exclusively reveal.

President Bush was in constant contact with advisor Karl Rove via a "completely-in-canal" FM radio earpiece, invisible to the naked eye, admitted Rove yesterday following a storm of controversy in the blogosphere.

"It was a very good idea," said Rove at the press conference, "because George sometimes gets a little confused when speaking, thinking or moving around. It allowed me to prompt him, get him back on track, and I think that helped him get his message across better to the American people."

But the device was not as effective as it could have been, he said, because of the portable radio-jamming equipment Democratic nominee John Kerry employed during the debate.

"When [Kerry] got to the podium and I saw him pull something out of his pocket I was like, 'Uh oh,'" said Rove. "I knew right away what it was."

The jamming device, small enough to fit inside an interior jacket pocket, interfered with the radio transmission between Rove and Bush.

"It wasn't 100 per cent successful," said Kerry advisor John Sasso, "because we had to kinda guess the frequency they were using beforehand, but it did disrupt the transmission on numerous occasions."

Bush's performance is understandable, said debate moderator Jim Lehrer, now that the use of the hi-tech gizmos has been revealed.

"He stuttered quite a bit, stammered, blinked, brayed," said Lehrer this morning in a telephone interview. "He stumbled, murmured, gulped, faltered. In parts he was unusually lucid, and then suddenly he'd lose his train of thought and just gaze around for up to five minutes. This is entirely consistent with an intermittently working radio feed."

About 40 minutes into the debate Bush seemed to address Rove directly when, with plenty of time remaining, Bush stopped mid-sentence and demanded to be allowed to finish.

"Yeah, he sort of let the cat out of the bag there," said a red-faced Rove. "I was a bit annoyed, but we had a talk afterwards and now he understands he mustn't actually talk back to me during the debate. At least, I think he does."

Rove plans to use the earpiece again in the next Bush-Kerry debate on Oct 8, but will employ a modified version in tomorrow night's vice-presidential debate.

"We have a special kind of earpiece for [Vice-President Dick] Cheney," he said in a rare moment of candidness, "which is hooked up to an audio loop of a voice actress impersonating Dick's mother saying, 'I'll wash your mouth out with soap, You kiss me with that mouth?, I'll wash your mouth out with soap,' and so on."

He said tests have shown the recording to be effective in controlling Cheney's "regrettable Tourette's-like outbursts."

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Bush, Kerry in hi-tech war of words
Published: October 04, 2004
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Section: Politics
Writer: halfacanuck
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Comments

#1 — October 4, 2004 @ 18:19PM — sungoddess [URL]

That is funny as hell.... I mean riotous.

#2 — October 4, 2004 @ 18:50PM — Eric Olsen

this kind of blatant flaunting of the rules of decorum and good sportsmanship is hardly worthy of such encouragement!

#3 — October 4, 2004 @ 19:11PM — Mike Kole [URL]

It's awful if it's all true. Both of these candidates are proving themselves and their campaigns less than honorable.

#4 — October 4, 2004 @ 19:13PM — Eric Olsen

perhaps even less than less than honorable

#5 — October 4, 2004 @ 19:23PM — Mike Kole [URL]

Yep. Vote for Michael Badnarik!

#6 — October 4, 2004 @ 19:48PM — Ross Thomas [URL]

Personally I think it could usher in a new golden age of debating. Bush could have a mini hologram of Rove projected onto the podium which would give him constant feedback during the debate. Kerry could have a special hi-tech suit constructed to make him look less like a corpse. Might be more entertaining than what we have now.

Thanks for all the comments :).

#7 — October 5, 2004 @ 06:27AM — Roscoe

Any one who votes for a candidate based
on performance in a so-called debate
lacks luminoscity.
Vote for the totality of the candidate,
the record of what he believes in revealed by how he votes and acts.

#8 — October 5, 2004 @ 07:46AM — Eric Olsen

good point Roscoe: vote holistically

#9 — October 5, 2004 @ 12:37PM — Ross Thomas [URL]

I usually vote based on auras.

#10 — October 5, 2004 @ 14:53PM — Eric Olsen

like of Vigo the Destroyer in Ghostbusters 2?

#11 — October 6, 2004 @ 03:27AM — ivy

how accurate is all this? i'm working on a project and if i can get the sources for this then i'll be able to give an excellent school report

#12 — October 6, 2004 @ 04:34AM — Bernard

Cute,

You will never get the sources though. They have all been swiped by a team of commando's from the mothership Rove was born on.

Personally, I never saw a better impersonation of a puppet than during the debate. Makes you wonder, how do they hide the strings?

#13 — October 6, 2004 @ 08:44AM — Eric Olsen

Ivy, approximately none of it is accurate

I don't see Bush as a puppet at all, but he has some synaptic issues

#14 — October 6, 2004 @ 08:56AM — Bernard

Do you mean he works by remote control?

#15 — October 6, 2004 @ 09:29AM — Eric Olsen

there seem to be periodic glitches in his internal remote control

#16 — October 6, 2004 @ 09:58AM — Bernard

I see 'synaptically challenged' republican incumbent meets challenge head on...

or head first, that remains to be seen.

#17 — October 6, 2004 @ 11:47AM — Ross Thomas [URL]

Ivy: If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is :). However, I'm perfectly willing to be a "source" for your project. I'll say anything you want -- anything at all -- if the price is right. I'm a journalist, it's my job.

Eric: "Synaptic issues." I love it. Might have to steal that one for the next edition of "halfacanuck: fake news you can trust."

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