Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban: Kerry

As if there were ever any doubt. We'll forgo the fact that some Christian groups have denounced the Harry Potter books as endorsing Satanism. Instead, let's take a look at this so-called "Professor" Lupin. (Okay, he's actually a professor. I'll stop that now.) He's a werewolf. And by werewolf, of course, we mean he's gay. Remember how last summer being an X-Man meant being "different"? I was just waiting for one of the other professors to ask Lupin, "Have you tried NOT being a werewolf?" And, of course, he's forced to resign at the end because the frickin' wizard PTA decides that they're "uncomfortable" with one of "his kind" teaching their kids.

But this isn't just about gay werewolf rights, this is about criminal rights. The unjustly accused Sirius Black (as in most of the U.S. prison population), whom we might as well just call Mumia, plays a key role here, as do the dreaded prison guards the Dementors, who prey upon your fears. Does that sound like anyone we know? That's right. Homeland Security. They hover around the school for the protection of the students, but are far more dangerous than the criminal they hunt.

And Azkaban? Abu Ghraib! Come on, do I have to spell it out for you?

The Day After Tomorrow: Gore

In this film, the price we pay for the Supreme Court's decision is nothing less than worldwide destruction. When will we learn?

The Bourne Supremacy: Kerry

The bad guys are oil magnates, so this one's kind of a no-brainer. But what really makes this progressive is Bourne himself. He kills only when absolutely necessary. He admits the truth about his own complicity in the death of another character's parents to her face. They cut the scene where he actually wrote a book denouncing his past, but Jason Bourne is, in fact, Richard Clark.

I, Robot: Kerry

The fatal flaw of The Three Laws is that our civil liberties will be taken away for our own good by the very public servants charged with protecting them. And Dick Cheney is a robot.

Troy: Bush

The only thing more specious than going to war over oil is going to war over some chick who don't want your ass in the first place. But they do it.