I went to the local cineplex and watched "Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Taliban," or whatever it's called.

Since most of you have never heard of "Harry Potter," let me provide some background.

This film is the latest in a series of movies by director Alfonso Cuaron, who explores the complicated sexual tensions that develop when two young boys meet another woman.

Cuaron's first foray into the boy-meets-boy-meets-girl series , "Y Tu Mama Tambien" - a Spanish phrase which roughly translates to "Your Mother Plays A Wicked Tambourine" - focuses on two young lads whose jobs are to chlorinate local swimming pools. They meet an attractive older woman (who reminds them of Betty White) and, together, the three embark on a road trip and agree to only speak in subtitles. After two hours of pent-up sexual tension, the film ends with the three of them engaging in what the French call a "menage au contraire," which destroys the boys' relationship because they've now seen each other naked.

Cuaron's latest film, "Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Asskabang," explores similar themes. Hairy and Ron are two young lads who decide to attend a Dungeons and Dragons convention. They meet an attractive older woman (who reminds them of Betty White) named Hermaphrodite. Together, the three embark on a trip - indeed, an acid trip - involving flying horses and Rupert from "Survivor: All-Stars." After two hours of pent-up sexual tension, the film ends with the three of them "sliding down the tree," which destroys the boys' relationship because they've now seen each other's broomsticks.

While I appreciate the subplot (about the racial exclusion of Asian wizards), it's obvious that "Harry" just rehashes the coming-of-age-full-frontal-wand-waving that Cuaron effectively explored in "Mama." Even more disappointingly, Cuaron cut the explicit scenes from "Harry," in light of new FCC regulations.

We'll just have to wait until a special edition DVD is released to see whether the characters gave each other genital hogwarts.