As an American of Japanese descent, I am an expert on all things Japanese.

Admittedly, I've spent little time in Japan, I can't read the language, and I've never studied anything relating to - or rhyming with - Japan. Nonetheless, I satisfy the two prerequisites necessary to be recognized as an authority on the Japanese: (1) I have a Japanese name and (2) I eat rice. This explains why strangers - who don't know that I speak perfect Asian - nonetheless consider me the spokesperson for Japan and ask questions such as: "What, exactly, is wasabi?," "Why did you rape Nanking?," and "Are you a sumo wrestler?"

More recently, I've been carpet-bombed with questions about the veracity of events depicted in the epic film The Last Samurai. It seems everyone trusts my answers to complicated questions about the Meiji era of Japanese history, simply because I can pronounce "tamagotchi."

So by request, let me take this opportunity to explain the answer to the burning question: "Was Tom Cruise really the last Samurai?"

The answer is a resounding, unconditional yes! The proof lies in the film itself, which is, actually, a documentary of the Samurai revolts.

A brief overview: Tom Cruise is an alcoholic American civil war general requested by the effeminate Emperor of Japan to train their first modern, conscript army to fight any rebellions. Shortly after the Emperor shows Tom Cruise the money, ancient warriors known as the Samurai easily defeat Cruise in battle. Not only do they stop him from completing his mission, they had him at hello.

However, instead of beheading Tom Cruise, the tribe of Samurai - who are bitterly opposed to opening Japan up to Western influences - choose to keep him alive because, naturally, they are open to his Western influences. In a few months of captivity, Tom Cruise masters the way of the Samurai and the Japanese language. (The latter of which turns out to be unnecessary since the leader of the English-hating Samurai speaks perfect English, evidenced by his careful enunciation of fortune cookie messages.) The distrustful Samurai, naturally, grow to trust Tom Cruise, especially after watching him rock climb Mount Fuji with his bare hands while receiving secret messages through his explosive sunglasses. Master Cruise and the Samurai join forces to fight the Japanese army, as well as a few ninjas.

The film beautifully captures the crucial turning point in Japanese history where Cruise manages to dodge 39,495,271 rounds of bullets, while all the Japanese Samurai around him fold like crumpled origami. What explains Tom Cruise's seeming immortality? The answer is simple. He is a vampire. Unfortunately, he did not grant immortality to any of the Samurai by biting them because, apparently, he doesn't like Japanese food.