Sex has technique, rhythm, atmosphere and emotion. Sex is nothing more than gymnastics, provided that the men and women compete at the same time and the girls are at least 18 years old.

This leads us to believe that sex as a sport would require judging. Volunteers, anyone?

Obviously it will never happen, because nobody listens to me — except you, my loyal readers. However, if it were a sport, parents would shield the young'uns from watching it, which is fine. NBC would probably broadcast it tape delayed it at 2:30 a.m. Finally, network television would be able to hang with the late night softcore pornography on-campus students pay in their tuition to watch.

Even if sex isn't a sport, all of this olympiad's events parallel sexual encounters. Tennis players grunt anytime they backhand the ball. Volleyball players hug each other in the sand. Track stars accidentaly come out of the starting block too quickly — dare we say "prematurely"?

There are some issues that need to be addressed first (besides the obvious one: "Why is this guy such a perv?"). Some athletes are married and some are holding out until marriage. There's the AIDS issue, the issue of decreasing morals, potential drug scandals (maybe we should ban Enzyte?), the awkward decision of whether or not to talk afterwards, the decision of whether or not to make gay or lesbian sex part of the equation and the pressure of calling the next day. (By the way, the answer to the obvious question is, "I'm not getting any and all of my friends are.")

The ancient Athens games had participants who competed in the nude. And haven't we been hearing all this talk about returning to our old values?

Let's see Bob Costas keep a straight face now.