"Well, when my friend comes next weekend, he wants us to sit by the pool at his hotel. That means I have to wear a bathing suit. So, when I was dying my hair last weekend, I thought I could just color my pubic hair, too. That way, I wouldn't have to worry about shaving as much, because I would have nice blond hair peeking out of the lines of my bathing suit. And that would look fine."

In what world? Hair coming out of the sides of a bathing suit ain't cute no matter what color it is! But I keep my mouth shut and let her continue.

"So, when I finished my hair, I had a little dye left over and decided to run it through the hair down there. I know the box says you shouldn't, but I figured what was the big difference anyway..." Stupid...just stupid...that's what I'm thinking.

"But after a few minutes, I looked down and all my hair was bright orange! It looked awful! My sister was there, so I ran downstairs and told her, 'I've got Ronald McDonald Syndrome!' She asked me what I was talking about considering she was a registered nurse and this was a new disease she wasn't familiar with. So, I threw off my towel and showed her. See, I've got Ronald McDonald Syndrome!"

As she said this, she made these nauseating pelvic motions like she was imagining a steamy rodeo encounter with this retro friend of hers. My coworkers and I were disgusted.

Can you imagine some middle-aged, way-too-wrinkled, crazy woman at your job standing in front of your building moving like Elvis on his worst day while talking about her orange public hair? The inevitable vision you get is of nightmarish proportions. Damn lady...some shit you just need to keep to yourself!

So, for those of you who cannot quit smoking...holla at me, and I'll hook you up with this crazy broad. One 10-minute session of her bullshit, and no smoking patch in the world could cure you faster.

So, on that note...I guess I had better start looking for a new job. I know my 9-5 isn't going to get any better, but I don't think I can stomach too many more run-ins with this deranged diva!

Maybe we should get her signed on to the Stand anti-smoking campaign...just a thought...