These Are NOT Sports!
Published August 25, 2004
Every year, the Olympic Commitee is asked to add various dinky little obscure hobbies to their growing list of "Official Sports".
These dinkly little obscure lobbying groups want their dinky little obscure pasttimes to be considered "sports" so that they can recruit other 'players', get more recognition, TV coverage, sponsorships, and money.
That's why you can now tune in to the Olympics and watch some of the most boring shit ever paraded before a somnambulent public. Over the last few years, they've added things that not only DON'T qualify as "sports", but things you NEVER HEARD OF.
As a matter of fact, NO ONE ever heard of some of these 'hobbies' except the people who participate in them. And at this rate, it's only a matter of time before we see the world champion, Gold Medal winner in Checkers, Chess, Monopoly, Booger-flicking, Watermelon Seed Spitting, Hot Dog Eating, Frisbee Catching (a different category for each dog breed!), Speed-Knitting, Rock Climbing, and Indoor Plumbing.
When Moses came down from the Mount, he had Ten Basic Rules that were given to him by The Big Umpire in the Sky; unbeknownst to most of you, God meant for there to be Eleven, but he was in a hurry and forgot to add the most important:
"Thou Shalt Consider Sport Only Those Games Played With A Ball Where People Run Fast and Get Hurt."
This would rule out most of the alleged "sports" that we see in today's overcommercialized, all-inclusive Olympics.
In order to aid the Olympic committee in their future quest to winnow the number of official activities down to something that can be completed in a day or two (as opposed to what-- a friggin' month this crap has been goin' on?), I've decided to parse the hobbies for what they really are:
--a specialized, boring load of crap.
Archery - um, can this be just a little more obsolete? I mean — where's rock throwing? ...the slingshot competition?
Shotput - ditto
Fencing - ditto - btw, I watched some 'fencing' — and there ain't no five minute swordfights like Errol Flynn used to do; these matches take about 3 nanoseconds, and worse yet: no blood. Dump this archaic "sport" before some violent young American kids notice and start packing scimitars on subways.
Kayak/canoeing - oh jees. Watching people in little leg warmers that float is like watching paint dry; I say take away the helmets and kayaks, and then let the fuckers try to make their way through the whitewater without drowning or cracking their skulls open. Last person alive gets the Gold.
Weightlifting - Fat people on steriods trying to lift heavy stuff — yawn. I'd just as soon see a Forklift Competition. How about a Lever Competition? Why are we rewarding Luddites?
Handball - While this qualifies under God's Rule #11, it simply looks too easy, goofy, and gay to be a Real Sport, so it's disqualified. It's basically "Basketball meets Soccer", with the worst of both sports and the best of neither. I don't think anyone in America (ie, the only "world" that matters) plays this non-sport, so no big loss. If you've never had the displeasure of seeing it, a team of guys walks around a soccer field, carries a little ball, and they try to throw it in a net. Every now and then, they bounce it on the ground, sort of a half-assed dribble, which is why the 'game' looks like the Queer Eye for the Straight Guy staff got drafted by the Harlem Globetrotters. Horrible.
- These Are NOT Sports!
- Published: August 25, 2004
- Type:
- Section: Culture
- Filed Under: Culture: Humor and Satire
- Writer: Shark
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Comments on this articleComments
i can't watching synchronized swimming without thinking of that martin short snl version.
...with the noseclip & all.
May I add to the nude sports list?
Exhibition(pun intended)runs of nude gymnastics (women), and for your winter edition, nude figure skating.
I agree about equestrian, and the whole flipping Olympics used to be nude.
A friend of mine was on the US handball team for several years - believe me it's a sport.
This whole "nude olympics" discussion reminds me of that episode of Seinfeld where Jerry's girlfriend was walking around naked all the time. There are certain things you just don't want to see people do naked. Nude weightlifting, anyone?
I think not.
I think gymnastics might be "too much information" as well
Why worry about nude sports when you have
beach volleyball?
We should add "Synchronized Farting" to the Olympics.
These competitors would be the same guys who competed the night before in the new Olympic sport of "Synchronized Beer Chugging"...
You left a few off. Badminton is no sport. And synchronized anything's gotta go, especially the "solo synchronized swimming" event. What the hell is that about?
But as for the shotput, how about you combine that with women's softball? Softball already has the running fast part, and using a shotput instead of a softball would up the getting hurt quotient.
Shooting could be combined with, say the pole vault or any sprinting event.
Rowing could be made more interesting with some well-placed mines and depth charges.
The ball in handball could be replaced with a ball that explodes at some random time.
There's lots of ways to improve these non-sports that would make them way more interesting to watch.
I think all water polo players should be attacked by Sumo wrestlers at a random point in their game. The first team to completely drown loses.
Equestrian is too a sport, you get on a 1200 lb animal and try and control it. Yea anyone can get on a horse but not all can stay on. You try it and then tell me if its a sport or not.
By that reasoning, logrolling should be an Olympic sport. Actually, I think the Canadians did try to get it into the Athens games his year, since they would win all the medals. There's speed logrolling, endurance logrolling, two-man (or woman) logrolling, synchronized logrolling -- these all occur in water. A newer sport, for the youngsters, is downhill logrolling -- quite a spectacle. Hey, that gives me an idea on how to jazz up the equestrian competition....
Add more:
Gymnastics Artistic / Gymnastics Rhythmic are NOT SPORS.
Taekwond is NOT SPORTS.
BUT table tennis is a GOOD SPORT. It's played all over the world not only China.
China doesn't have room for tennis courts? They won Women's Tennis GOLD in Athen.
I have wondered about walking as an Olympic sport. I would be pleased to read a blog entry explaining how walking as competition works. I tend to think in terms of speed, but that doesn't seem to be the point.
How about pie eating, bus chasing, etc.? I do like "throwing ribbon in the air" gymnastics.
plg
Look for some of these events coming to the Beijing Olympics:
Uneven perpendicular bars
Bareback dolphin riding
110 meter speed reading
The low jump
Ice cream scooping
Marathon runner street tackling
Synchronized pancake flipping
One handed shoelace tying
Underwear folding
Speed smoking
Freestyle ant killing
The egg put
The explosive javelin toss
Tiny girls flitting about while spinning a long ribbon competition (that's already in there?! oh, nevermind)
The cannonball megasplash competition
Wind tunnel trampoline
Standing there kicking the crap outta someone competition
Beer pong
Helium inhalation followed by spinning around on a bar (oh...wait...Paul Hamm? ... uh...nevermind ... again)
Karch Kiraly and Rowdy Gaines beat each other into submission (I'm there!)
Good stuff, Duane.
re: Helium inhalation -
Why is it that NOT ONE ex-athlete/American Olympics announcer has yet to go through puberty? Is it a requirement that they all be castrotti? Are eunuchs inherently better at sports? Do testicles get in the way if they've dropped post-partum?
What's up with that?
re: CHINESE OLYMPICS
You forgot:
*Tienaman Square Memorial 100 Meter Tank Hurdle
*Famous Logo Counterfeiting Competition
*SARS Detection Race
Sponsor Notes:
Official Timekeeper of the Chinese Olympics: Rolecks Watches
Shoes provided by Nighkey
Shark:
Hey, I got a Rollecks also! Got it from someone on the streets of NYC for only $20! The guy probably needed crack or something...
peaceloveguidance
"Olympic Spliff Rolling"(my prediction:
The Jamaican team takes home the gold in
this event.) Go Ras ...
"The Iron Man Bong-A-Thon" (no odds set
yet but again Jamaican victory predicted
here as well).Though my friends cousin's
buddy,this one dude named Russell is, uh
expected to show strongly).
Followed by the "Let's Find a 7-11 and
stock up on Little Debbie Cakes 100 Yard
Dash".This event will take place approx.
3 hrs after the "Spliff Rolling" event.
One Love, One Groove, Praise Jah.
Nice one, Duane!
I think you forgot synchronized mango
pearing , though!I would like to try
the bareback dolphin riding.:).
Um...how do you play the sports though?
Can I expect to get a post?Thx.
YOU WRITE: "Table Tennis - Oh gawd. It's just a pandering nod to the Commies. It's big in China because with over a billion people, they don't have room for tennis courts. Yeah, this thing uses a ball, but it's also played by the elderly in Nursing Homes and on Sea Cruises -- so I'd say that automatically disqualifies it. I mean, what's next? Shuffleboard? Bingo? No. "
the above was written by a (temporary?) arrogant idiot and a (temporary?) pitiful racist. Table tennis will remain an Olympic sport. One can't get Olympic gold for posting moronic ideas or the above would sadly glorify a family for having highly educated one of theirs only to cry reading his ignorance about what he pretends to know.
Shame on you and go to hell or... or come and play table tennis and WELCOME TO THE CLUB: you'll learn about spin and speed. You'll learn how slow is tennis compared to table tennis. You'll get a good sweat. You'll learn how many common points there are between table tennis and chess, between table tennis and martial arts. You'll get pounded by people talking little and playing great. You'll have fun and will read yourself again going "how did I ever write that; that's not me" --> at least it won't be anymore 'cause you'll have become a better man as getting better at table tennis will make you better at everything else you do in your life.
Good luck to you, I wish you the best.
Ask me any question, anytime about the game,
Fac.
If Swift wrote "A Modest Proposal" today, and posted it on a blog, clueless people would surely try to get him to argue over obscure points, such as whether stylish noblewomen would really be eager to buy the gloves if his scheme were put into effect.
Of course, if Swift lived today, maybe he would argue with them, and as a result, all of his subsequent works would never get written because he'd spend the rest of his life skirmishing with clueless trolls about utterly minor and trivial points related to "A Modest Proposal."
And on that note: look at the time! Bye for now, y'all.
True, Victor. Satire is lost on most people, and occasionally on me, but only because people's attempts at satire are so poor.
Walking is SO not a sport because there's always something faster, running, and you'd have to restrain yourself from running and govern whether people had broken into a trot to judge speed-walking.
Judo, martial arts, weightlifting, and fencing are probably sports. Shotput and archery go way, way back and are probably sports as well.
The rest I'm sort of with you on.
That is all.
That is all.
Facteur, you are definitely NOT A SPORT.
At least not a good one.
===
BTW: re. the complex nature of understanding that contemporary esoterica known as satire;
There does seem to be something wrong with a lot of BC readers; I wonder if it's a generational thing, ie growing up on Mad Magazine, Lenny Bruce, and Mort Sahl -vs- growing up on MTV, Adam Sandler, and Jim Carrey.
I play european handball in spain(world champions) and i think that you don't know what is really handball, a exciting and dynamical sport.
personal attacks aren't allowed. This is a personal. Who are you to judge what sport is in the olympics or not. It would be a waste for all these athletes who trains so many times a week so they can go to the olympics to not go because some people are to closed minded and stupid to appreciate sports that people dont get killed in. Like synchro. Dont tell us it shouldnt be in the olympics until you get in the water and see what its like. You would die. Do u want to ruin peoples dreams, u r really a selfish bastard
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Nude synchro, that's funny. Only if they shave. I've always liked that.