NEW AD: Kerry Eats Babies and Rapes Women!
Published August 21, 2004
BUSH: Yeah, I've been doing that a lot lately, eh? So what about folks like my brother Neil?
AIDE: (winks, nudges Bush, jerks string) ...Who?
BUSH: (deer-in-headlights-look for a few seconds until he realizes the gist of the joke) Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, I got it: Neil who? Hah. Forget it. It's erased. My mind is a blank. [He stares at "My Pet Goat" for a few long, uncomfortable moments]
AIDE: Good sir. Your "Daddy Dick" in the lava lamp will be glad to hear that. He loves it when you keep your mind blank.
[Giant floating, dismembered Dick Head smiles that crooked smirk and nods head to side to indicate "take him away"]
Puppeteers jerk on strings and Bush's feet lift off the ground a few inches. The President waves at "Dick Head", makes a goofy face, and sticks out his tongue.
Dick Head rolls eyes and shakes his 'head'.
Bush and entourage continue into Media Room, where they're seated at a conference table in front of a giant flat-screen HD TV monitor.
BUSH: [Turns to a valet in vaudeville costume and blackface makeup] Hey McCain! Bring me some coffee.
WAITER: Cream and sugar, sir?
BUSH: Fine. Now hurry.
WAITER: Yessir. [exits kowtowing]
KARL ROVE: Mr. President, we've finished putting together Stealth Smear TV Ad Version 2.0 — once again financed by your Republican fishin' buddies in Texas.
MEDIA CONSULTANT#1: Yeah, he did those Unfit for Command ads...
BUSH: Great stuff, but don't you think it's time we kick it up a notch? Get to those "Kerry killed babies and raped women" ads?
MEDIA CONSULTANT #2: Yes sir. We've got a great act to follow the "Swift Boat Vets Against Kerry."
BUSH: oh goody. What is it?
MEDIA CONSULTANT #1: Mr. President, at first, we thought we'd do a "Girls Gone Wild For Kerry" video — y'know... for late night cable viewers — lots of tits, really immoral shit, nudity, insults to family values... that sort of thing.
KARL ROVE: ...but that didn't work out.
BUSH: What happened?
KARL ROVE: Well, we sent Newt Gingrich and Jimmy Swaggart out to do some initial reseach — and they never came back. We lost two good allies and a camera crew.
BUSH: Fuck. So we can't hit Kerry on his anti-Christian, anti-family values shit...? Goddammit...
MEDIA CONSULTANT #1: Oh, not to worry, Mr. President. We came up with an even better idea; next week we're going to unveil the "Vietnamese Rape and Murder Victims Against Kerry".
- NEW AD: Kerry Eats Babies and Rapes Women!
- Published: August 21, 2004
- Type:
- Section: Culture
- Filed Under: Culture: Humor and Satire
- Writer: Shark
- Shark's BC Writer page
- Shark's personal site
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Comments on this articleComments
IT'S ALL TRUE!
And I have transcripts and the testimony of 250 people who were there! They served with those Marketing Consultants.
Okay, well, by "served with" -- I mean they shared the same planet at the same time.
PROOF!
Your lies have no meaning. I can easily obtain 200 affidavits from former interns, staff, and the occasional white house tour visitor proving that Clinton did not need Viagra to perform his duties as the president.
They also wouldn't run the risk of polluting the white house with viagra since even trace amounts of the substance can be fatal to Dick Cheney in his weakened condition. White house scientists have clearly shown that Viagra is not good for large Dicks.
RedTard, get your own material, 'kay.
Bush and Dick. Didn't God warn Adam about the two getting together?
A little Bush. A little Dick. Add a little oil. Bend over America.
Stop Mad Cowboy Disease.
It really hurts if you throw in a Colin.
~bada-bing!
Great stuff.
Humor is hard to come by in this election, where we have a hero to Vietnamese Communists running BEHIND the liberator of 50 million people.
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That's not true!