Olympic Opening Ceremony
Published August 14, 2004
THE COMMENTARY Jeesus, I'd rather have a molten gold, silver, and bronze enema than spend three hours listening to Katie (Satan Incarnate) Couric and "Mr. Insightful for Dummies", Bob Costas. I'm surprised Katie didn't do one of her trademark stories on some recently deceased person:
Katie: "The man playing the satyr, Oespidicus Piticusiosus, is a Greek actor who recently lost his only child in a construction accident very near here. I interviewed him yesterday shortly after rehearsals."
{cut to "up close and personal tape}
Katie (to Mr. Piticusiosus): Sir, you found your child dead and beheaded. I know it's tough for you, but... WHAT DID IT FEEL LIKE? Can you describe your feelings when you held that bloody, headless body in your arms? I'd imagine it was quite a difficult moment. Describe it..."
[hopefully, America squirts a few — thinking what a sensitive 'journalist' Katie is.]
I hope that if Hell exists, Katie Couric gets to spend eternity looking up at the bare, cloud-covered feet of the many dead she exploited in her career.
(Whew. Did I say that?)
Anyway, back to the COMMENTARY:
So here's a tip, not just for future Opening Ceremonies, but for the upcoming gymnastics too. When there is visual art onscreen — accompanied by appropriate music — SHUT THE FUCK UP. 'kay? JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP.
Katie: That's a really complicated set up.
Costas: Yes, that's a really complicated set up. Must have taken a lot of work.
Katie: Yeah, a lot of work. Lots.
Bob: Uh-huh. A whole lot.
Katie: Oh, that's Eros, the god of love.
Costas: Heh. I wonder if he uses Trojans. hehe.
Katie: Oh, Bobbbbb. Tee hee.
Oh, and did I mention to the upcoming COMMENTATORS for Gymnastics?
... when somebody is doing their thing to music, you don't have to say, "She's about to do a double entendre flip with a lemon twist — which she failed to do in practice — and I know her mother is watching — yes, there's a close-up of her waving the flag with tears in her eyes...
In other words, SHUT THE FUCK UP.
Anyway, it's good to know that in these troubled times, we can put down our differences, racial hatred, and religious animosity — to come together, to become the perfect target for murderous militant terrorists — and to celebrate human skill, speed, grace, endurance, ingenuity with steriods, and gross examples of Nationalistic Ethnocentricities.
It's nice to know that every four years, the world can assemble in one place to hear fat, ugly, obnoxious Americans chant:
U - S - A!
U - S - A!
U - S - A!
U - S - A!
U - S - A!
- Olympic Opening Ceremony
- Published: August 14, 2004
- Type:
- Section: Video
- Filed Under: Culture: Humor and Satire
- Writer: Shark
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Comments on this articleComments
Shark, for once I agree with pretty much everything you say here. I did actually like the Bjork track, but I'm not quite certain it was appropriate for the ceremony - too dark, too quiet for something meant to be so uplifting. Other than that . . . excruciating is a good word for it.
how the hell were you guys able to tell what the bjork tune sounded like?
all i heard was those two boneheads 'explaining' stuff.
It was alright. I watched it on Canadian TV cuz you get different coverage. But the Greeks put on an OK show. A bit bombastic.
My favorite was the opening of the 1984 Olympics in Los Angeles (who saved the modern Olympics). Philip Glass and orchestra and voices dramaticly building up as the torch bearer ran up the stairs. Very well done. Very artistic.
peaceloveguidance
Shark's Olympic Update:
USA Basketball loss - Okay. I predicted this weeks ago.
Bob Costas - Since when did his hair become jet-black? He looks like a dwarf Elvis. Bob, seriously: don't dye your hair.
Once again, To ALL NBC commentators in general: Please SHUT THE FUCK UP.
Pretty please?
Women's Gymnastics: Is it just me -- or do most of these 'girls' look like circus freaks? And sadly, I don't think ANY nation has a potential Nadia or Mary Lou or Olga Korbut in this year's batch. The question now becomes: "Who will be the least mediocre woman gymnast in the world?"
zzzzzzzzz...
COMMERCIALS - This is Shark's unofficial count, but when I kept track during the fem-gym/ swimming money shots, NBC was averaging about a two-to-one ratio, ie 6 minutes of a race or a floor exercise followed by three minutes of commercials.
Just a note to the advertisers: I approach this two ways; If your commercial is the least bit obnoxious (Dancing dogs, dancing goofy white people, etc) I vow to NEVER AGAIN buy your product. But at least 90% of the time, when a commercial comes on, I immediately surf over to Animal Planet and watch Crocodile Hunter get spit on by cobras.
CROWDS - Official Report: 6 million tickets available overall -- with 3 million sold. That's about right: from most camera perspectives, every venue looks about half empty.
What will Athens do with these behemoth venues when the Olympics is gone? Surely this tiny little island-nation can't use an 80,000 seat stadium very often. Oh, wait -- here comes Yanni with a keyboard and some candles.
...Nevermind...
Westerns would never apreciate the core of the eastern cultur! I bet if you saw native americans, Warhol and Big Mac dancings you would apreciate it! So if you dont feel it better fuck off! Such a pity you are not really willing to open your horizons a meet different cultures! By the way, is this how you get rid of your sexual frustration? Is it working, cuz i wanna try it too! Cheers!
Eastern, unless I am misunderstanding, I believe Shark is saying he liked the ceremony itself - he is complaining about the TV coverage. Interesting that you would think indians, Andy Warhol and Big Macs are the essence of America. I'd rather see pilgrims, Poe and pizza.
And yes, the gymnasts keep getting smaller and stronger - soon they will quit pretending and we will have actual flying munchkins.
First of all, "Eastern" dude, if I saw dancing Native Americans, Big Macs, and Warhols, I'd think I was in a Shopping mall in Beijing.
Secondly, I love Greek culture (especially olives and anal sex!) -- and I'm a big fan of Fellini, Dali, and Blade Runner -- so as Eric correctly points out, I LOVED the CEREMONY!
(BTW, Eastern dude, be careful what you wish for; when we American's "...Throw open our horizons" -- it usually means we're sending an armed invasion force to kick yer inferior third-world ass into submission. We have a history of linking 'horizon' with 'landscape'.
Just an FYI from an 'ally'.
[winky]
Oh, almost forgot:
I'll be announcing my bid for Ambassador to the UN later today.
Eastern: Westerns would never apreciate the core of the eastern cultur!
It's true. I've lived in Virginia for four years now, and I see nothing worthwhile in Eastern culture. Bland food, 9-to-5 herd mentality, "family values", it all sucks! Other than Krispy Kreme, what has the East contributed to civilization in the past 50 years? I couldn't care less if a hurricane washed the whole East Coast into the sea.
East Coast girls are hip, I really dig those styles they wear
What is all this bitching about? Hey, the opening of the Olympics featuring some fantazmagora fabric of the history of the culture of where the event is taking place. That is part of the deal with the Olympics.
I was disgusted with the closing ceremonies of the Winter Olympics in Salt Lake City. What a depiction of American culture. I mean, come on, KISS playing? What a con job by Gene Simmons to get the Olympic committee to feature them.
peacloveguidance
I didn't think we were talking about East Coast vs. West Coast USA. Maybe a bit confused.
Either way, I agree that NBC is the devil incarnate.
I disagree with any complaints regarding Bjork's performance. It was spectacular and one day I will kidnap her... really.
Add your comment, speak your mind
(Or ping: http://blogcritics.org/mt/tb/18657)
I forgot to mention Bjork, but suffice it to say that Suicide Intervention Hot-Lines lit up all over the world during her performance.
I haven't been that depressed since the time I heard an Enya song in Dr. Kervorkian's waiting room.
aside: It would have been more interesting if she would have had a 'costume malfunction' -- but then again -- we wouldn't have gotten a glimpse of the planet earth in satin.
zzzzzzzzzzzzz....