"Bob, you know that tropical storm 1000 miles east of Florida? It just got upgraded to a HURRICANE!" Thus begins the most rabid two days in local news coverage. Even though the storm could hit land anywhere from Brazil to the Hamptons, panic must be incited, streets must be emptied, insurers must cancel policies. And Channel 6 is just the station to get it done...if the HURRICANE doesn't blow the roof off your house, their hyperbole will.

"Hello everyone, this is Dr. Dave with your 2 day forecast. We have some bad news. A HURRICANE is on its way and that's all we will be talking about for at least the next 2 days. For those of you tracking the storm, here's the single point that we use to locate a storm that is several hundred miles in radius. That's how accurate our radars are! This point identifies the eye of the storm--of course, the eye is defined as where there is no storm, but moving on.. let's cut to Sandy down at the Walmart where our intensive coverage has caused a run on water, food, and batteries."

"Hi, this is Sandy down at the Walmart on the corner of Andrew Street and, as you can see, there are two old ladies whomping each other with canes over the last gallon jug of water. We'll be monitoring this situation closely. Now back to Dave in the studio."

"Thanks Sandy. Speaking of water, we expect 100% humidity tomorrow. Now let's go live to Ryan who has taken up residence on the site of the HURRICANE'S first landfall, give or take 500 miles."

"Hi Dave. As you can see, we have sunny skies and there is not even a breeze at the moment, but within 48 hours, give or take 24 hours, I will have a rope tied around my waste and my feet will leave the ground as the HURRICANE force winds try to blow me away. Despite the danger of being cut in half by flying road signs, I will stay strapped to this pier throughout the storm in the hope that someone at the network affiliate will notice me. Now back to you."

"Thanks Ryan. Folks, that's just one example of how we needlessly endanger our reporters in order to improve our ratings. Now let's go to Tamantha who's live at the Mayor's office where the Director of Emergency Services is holding a press conference."

"Thanks Dave. Let's listen in..."

"...We are instructing all people to stay off the roads after 2pm. There will be high winds and it's just really scary. We have the most advanced equipment available to deal with downed powerlines, fallen trees, and stopped up toilets. However, since I just declared that no cars can travel after 2pm, we will be unavailable to help you until Monday between 10am and 5pm. So remember, don't be a victim. And if you live in a mobile home, rest in peace."