MAN#5: ...and Kerry was wounded that night. He got a purple bruise for his efforts. Some call it bravery; I call it 'rough homo sex.'

MAN#6: One time, he suggested we have a secret, midnight soccer game using Geronimo's skull as a ball; how sick is that?!

MAN#7: John Kerry is a devil worshiper. He's into the occult, and calls on an evil higher power to guide all his actions. Like all the members of Skull and Bones, he swore a lifetime allegiance to Satan himself.

MAN#8: It's obvious that he's unfit to live, let alone be the Commander in Chief of this great nation.

Music crashes to a halt: Dissolve to text on black background:

"JOHN KERRY: An evil, dishonest, lying Satan worshiper."

-- FADE TO BLACK —

House lights come up.

CONSULTANT#1: Well, sir, what do you think? We're spending $160,000,000 and airing this on over 200 stations during the next few days. It's a video carpet-bombing, a propaganda 'daisy cutter.'

Bush jumps in his seat and gets that "deer-in-the-headlights" look.

After a few long moments of shallow concentration, Bush speaks to the assembled crowd of media consultants, campaign strategists, sycophants, and closeted-facists:

BUSH: Um, folks, I know since we had to fake most of it, y'all never paid much attention to my resume — but I think I need to tell yall: I WAS A MEMBER OF SKULL AND BONES.

Crowd gasps.

CONSULTANT#1: You were?! (Takes out taser: Looks around angrily at staff) You went to college?

BUSH: Yup.

CONSULTANT#1: Yale? You went to fucking Yale?

BUSH: Yup.

CONSULTANT#1: And you were in the same funky, secret satanic organization as Kerry?

BUSH: Uh-huh.

CONSULTANT#1: This looks really bad. I don't know what to do...

CONSULTANT#2: Hey! I've got an idea! Let's say Bush got accepted to Skull and Bones --- and, get this (heh) — HE NEVER SHOWED UP!

CONSULTANT#1: Yeah, yeah, he spent... umm... those four years at...umm...

CONSULTANT#2: ...Spring Break! He was at Spring Break!

CONSULTANT#1: Yeah! Yeah! That's it! He got accepted to Skull and Bones, went to Spring Break in... um...

CONSULTANT#2: ...Alabama! The coast of Alabama!

CONSULTANT#1: Yes! He went to spring break on the coast of Alabama — decided not to return to college — and missed all four years at Yale. He was never actually IN Kerry's little satanic club!

CONSULTANT#2: Alright, that's our story and we're stickin' to it! Get it out to our spokesmen Scott McLellan, Matt Drudge, and FOX News.

CONSULTANT#1: You think the public will actually believe all this shit?

CONSULTANT#2: They'll believe anything. The bigger the lie, the more they're apt to believe it.

The entire room erupts into wave of loud laughter and great guffaws — followed by smell of dead, rotten fish.