Eyes Without a Face
Published August 06, 2004
I wonder what it does to him to look into a mirror, confronting the outward ugliness that seeps inward. Its stigma, its reminder of his costly failure, corrupts his lingering humanity, turning him into a specter, a plague. Can you imagine the fury as he contemplates his incompetence or just bad luck? How many times a day does he think "what if?". This torment could encourage him on his path of self-destruction and abjection.
In her book, A Face in Time Judy Ryan writes of such torment. Consider an excerpt from the book in which she describes her feelings about a twenty-year class reunion:
It was in my senior year of high school that I lost my original face forever to a malignant muscle tumor, embryonal rhabdomyosarcoma. For the first time in twenty years, I was about to put my altered face forward before all my former classmates.We are all insecure people, but most of the reactions that we think people are having to our appearance are figments of our imagination. With a deformity, you know the reactions are really occurring (although Ms. Ryan's reunion went well).At the age of seventeen, after a year of treatment and illness I survived a fatal diagnosis. The resulting damage from the tumor and radiation was devastating. I was left with permanent, partial baldness on the left third of my scalp, restricted movement of my jaw, loss of sight and hearing in my left eye and ear, and skin and tissue that were aged and damaged. The bone and soft tissue in my left cheek had been ravaged by the size of the tumor and the affects of the radiation. As a result, my upper cheek was dramatically sunken. Even after twenty-one corrective reconstructive surgeries, I was still wondering if I would ever be free of the shame and embarrassment of my deformity.
So what was so frightening about this celebration? My fear of rejection and pity. For some reason I was not able to mature the attitudes of these young teenage images. Would they laugh, or be talking behind my back? For days, I ran scenario after scenario in my mind, speculating how this evening might turn out. My imagination was overwhelmed with panic and dread, never allowing me to get past the hotel lobby. Each enactment had me turning around and going home before anyone had the opportunity to see me.
In all of these ideas and attitudes that I have about this man from Ypsilanti, I am faced with a dilemma. I think of myself as compassionate, yet I can't get away from my anger at what this person has done and is doing to himself--and to others. As a teacher, I have had to deal with students who have deformities, but none so bad as this one. What if he were my student, and he insisted on showing his unmasked face? Does a person with such a deformity owe it to society to mask that deformity as much as possible? Yet I believe I could deal with it if he didn't wield his deformity as a weapon. It is not so much his outward deformity, as it is what this deformity has done to him as a person. I'm afraid of his life, his situation. What can I do for him when I can't confront the pure spite, anger and vindictiveness that consumes him? I don't know that I would do any better in his shoes.
- Eyes Without a Face
- Published: August 06, 2004
- Type: Opinion
- Section: Culture
- Writer: Dirtgrain
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Comments
I believe the notion that everyone is abusive is false. I never harassed the handicapped kids as a child. Knew other children who didn't, either. The mean kids, did. And, they grew up to be mean adults, I suspect.
A writing acquaintance of mine who had cancer as a child, and, was disfigured as a result, committed suicide a few years ago. The 'scaring people' issue was compounded for her because she was the kind of thin, willowy blonde men often approach. Some of them would become quite abusive when she turned around and they saw her face.
Coincidentally, Dirtgrain and I happened to write about a similar topic the same day. I have a review of a DVD of quadriplegic singer Teddy Pendergrass' return to live performance up in Music.
Nice work, Dirtgrain; Lots of complex ambiguities in these situations.
Sorta puts the concept of personal "problems" in perspective, too, eh?
One also has to dance with the concept that God might actually be an evil, cruel, merciless motherfucking bastard.
And that so many of us have the luck and luxury to worry about meaningless crap-- while others deal with tragic life and death circumstances that are serious, overwhelming, and monumental.
I don't have real problems. Some teacher used to tell his students, who were complaining about an outfit or a date or a hairdo, that they have "happy problems." He said that those are the kind of problems that you can laugh about years later.
I've lived in Ypsi for 4 years now, and I've seen this man without a face. About a week ago he was intercepting people on their way between Staples on carpenter and their car. As I was pulling up, I saw him notice me and start walking toward my car. I freaked out. I don't know why, and I'm not proud, but I pretended not to see him, and kept driving. I was overcome with fear, as if he was a boogeyman. He has to realize people have this reaction to him, and I wouldn't wish that on anyone.
I don't really know why I'm writing this. Its late and I have to be on campus in the morning.
The man who everyone describes is now sitting in front of Starbuck across from Borders on Liberty in Ann Arbor. His appearance and note about having bone cancer was mentioned to me recently so I went to meet this man. I will admit I gave him 5 bucks after I inquired about his appearance, his living situation and health. However I was bothered by his approach to life and the answers he gave me. As soon as I could I got on line and begin searching for answers. I am so glad to have found this article from another site. It bothers me that he makes his living in such a fashion and apparently chooses to be the person he has now become.
Some local people have left some insightful comments to this piece on my blog: click here to see the entry (scroll down for the comments). I haven't seen him in Ypsilanti lately. Arborland seems to be a place where he begs often. In a way, I don't want to see him ever again. But then I question myself and wonder if I just don't want to confront what seeing him brings out in me, to confront the cruelness that is inside me. It's confusing.
So what are we going to _do_ about this. David Roche's audiences get used to his face in a few moments. We need to figure out how to condition young children, and ourselves, out of the responses we have. Sure, the responses are natural. Lots of drives are natural, and still, they are modified by our education and social training.
I know the man you are speaking about. In my circle of friends we used to call him NoFace. MY friend Joe even wrote a book about the guy.
About 2 years ago I landed a decent job that among many other things, put me in direct associated with the man, providing services and such. We talked a lot 2 winters ago, also rode the bus together quite a bit. I know his brother and sister in law quite well too, in a non-conflict-of-interest kind of way, you know.
One thing i never did understand or dare ask was how or why he keot going. MAybe drug use, alcoholism, anger or just apathy. Like I said, never asked. But its haunted me for a long time, that idea, the image of him.
You would think that talking with him and working with him would make it go away, that gut intinct that horrifies you. Everytime I see him my brain doesnt beleive what its seeing, tried to fix the picture and my eyes get blurry and i get pretty dizzy. Its like a cartoon, or, everything goes technicolor and it scares the fucking piss out of me.
I heard on the street once that if he stopped drinking long enough to get into the hospital they could start repairing the damage, to both his face and his life, but it doesnt appear that he will.
What a sick sad world we live in man, trapped in cages of meat and bone and hiding from the absurdity of it all behind fences and 'stress' and fake problems and television. Fuck God.
peace, -c
I feel sorry for CW... I have seen this man. I have seen many ugly people in the world. The scarriest to me are the ones who you cant see. You look at them and see beauty, but when you get to know them, you see ugliyness which far surpasses Yippie... the man with no face as you refere to him.
Like CW, many often blame God for things we cannot understand. That is pretty ugly. It sows ignorance, and fear.
I am willing to stake my life on the fact that Yippei saved many lives in a round about way. He tried to play God and failed. It is one thing to see him and run away in fear, and quite another to look beyond the mask we all have while we are here to see what we all have to give to each other. To me that is the gift of life, the gift God has given to us. Dont you see, it's all what we make of it... That's all it is.
I actually worked with the doctor who made this man's prosthesis. The doctor told me that this guy goes to great lengths to tell people that he had oral cancer(when it was in fact a failed suicide attempt), and begs people for money to pay for a prosthesis (which he already has) when really it is only to support his drug addiction.
I know I am a few years late but I wanted to share something that happened my freshman year at UM in 2003. I was at Old Navy on Carpenter and had just gotten into my car. It was getting to be almost dark out and I was an 18 year old girl, alone. As I was putting my car into drive, No Face came up to me and banged on my window, showed me a note asking for money. He didnt have on a surgical mask and I could see the holes in his face where his mouth/nose had been. I am not proud of my reaction, either, but I put the car into drive and got the hell out of the parking lot. On the way home I actually started crying and had to spend the night at my friends house, his face kept haunting me. I honestly thought Iwas going crazy and had just imagined it until I got online the next day and found some information. I thikn he definitely tries to scare people and for that, while I pity him, I do not mind sharing my story.













Great stuff, man.
I've seen a few human monstrosities in my time, and I must sadly admit that my reaction is always "I'm going to extract myself from this situation, ASAP." Not a good feeling, but I believe a pretty universal feeling.
I remember the cruel kids in junior high school who would point and laugh at and mock those sitting at the "retard table" in the lunch room. Looking back, I am disgusted with myself that I laughed along with them (though at least I was decent enough not to actively participate in the public torment).
People are inherently cruel, IMO. We are able to learn, through proper socialization, to behave in a less cruel manner, but we are all doomed to be mean-spirited at our core.
Personally, I blame that darn DNA... :-/