I-Monkey's law is clearly more dangerous for humans-- they don't even mention us. They're obviously self-centered wife-coveting beasts that will have no compunction about wiping us out. I-Robot's code has a Go-To in it which is just sloppy programming. Score one for I-Monkey.

I-Monkey and I-Robot both have great jumping ability, tending to ricochet off walls and ceilings faster than a drug-crazed NBA star. This would put us at a severe special effects disadvantage except for one thing: we always start a war with carpet bombing. Carpet bombing just happens to eliminate all walls and ceilings...so all that fancy jumping is for naught, Ha! I-Robot and I-Monkey tie on physical ability.

As we know from the Planet of the Apes movies (which were sent back in time to warn us of an alternative future), I-Monkeys have an organized class system. In this system Gorillas are the warriors, Orangutans are the scientists, and Chimpanzees are the liberal trouble makers. This system greatly simplifies communication...you don't have to spend a lot of time in conversation to figure out if you're talking to a militaristic murderer, an over-educated baboon, or a commie sympathizer...you know just by looking at them. I-Robots, on the other hand, all look the same but speak different languages. Some read bytes right to left, others left to right. Its true they're all internet'd together to create a massive intelligence, but who's in charge? Google claims to be the great unifier, but can you really respect a leader named 'Google'? Score two for I-Monkey.

Now you might argue that I-Monkey is not intelligent, but I disagree. I believe I-Monkey took the evolutionary slow road on purpose. They're out-waiting us like we're out-waiting the I-Pods. They know we'll eventually self-destruct like a cheap MP3 player. Meanwhile, scientists are protecting their habitat, teaching them sign-language, algebra, and how to make primitive weapons. I-Monkey even slipped one of their sleepers/trainers into the Whitehouse. Another point for I-Monkey.

I think it's clear by now that I-Monkey is a superior foe, one that we probably do not have the stamina or will to defeat. So there's only one option...we need to get out of here. Luckily, scientists predict we'll find a suitable planet in about 20 years. Meanwhile, the next time a chimp at the zoo gives me the throat-slash sign, I'm going to pee in my pants.