El PAPA then introduces NANCY REAGAN, who thanks the Pope, who is then resealed in the gigantic winged-Spam can and reascends into a manufactured cloudbank of theater-fog.

CUE special 'spooky' lighting and Theramin music:

NANCY REAGAN dons Astrological robes and channels the spirit of Ronny, who asserts that abortion is evil and that he's no longer interested in stem cell research — since he's dead. "He" also denies that he's the father of Ron Junior, implicating the late Democratic shill, Frank Sinatra in that regrettable birth. Adds that Ron Junior might be the ONLY moral justification for abortion, but agrees not to pursure it from his spot in the afterlife.

CUE "I Did It My Way" to biographical collage of Reagan's life on Diamond Vision Screen; intercut him in cowboy hat with chain-saw mixed with pictures of George W. in cowboy hat with chain-saw. (Note: During collage, Photoshop out all images of Bonzo the Chimp, Jane Wyman, and Dick Cheney — for public relations purposes.)

HOMELAND SECURITY DIRECTOR TOM RIDGE gives speech about how much safer America is since George W. Bush took office. Recounts all the actions taken in the 'homeland' for Homeland Security — such as the invasion of Iraq and the winnowing down of important international allies. (NOTE: delete any references to shipping containers, international ports, nuclear plants, trains, subways, and chemical plants — just in case the terrorists hit one of the above between now and November; it's always best to be on the safe side when it comes to asserting safety!) Close with line: "Bush makes America Safe!" to coincide with entire audience holding up "Bush Makes America Safe!" signs.

SECRETARY JOHN ASHCROFT once again warns Americans that a terrorist attack on American soil is imminent, implies possibility of cancelling the upcoming election — but asserts that there's no need to up the "terror alert" color code. He closes with his own song, "The Eagle Flies" — (NOTE: make sure orchestra knows to transpose score up two octaves! Geez, who knew the guy was a castrotti!?)

SECRETARY OF THE INTERIOR GALE NORTON will announce that due to various "weather-related problems", Bush has declared all swing-states "natural disaster areas" and has made available interest-free loans to all citizens in those states — good through November of 04.

Mixed Race Choir sings, "God Bless America" while signing for the deaf.

As yet unidentified "scientist" (to be provided by Exxon/Mobil) will assert that global warming doesn't exist, and that if it does, it's only because there's an imbalance of ozone layers hovering over the Alaskan National Wildlife Refuge. Powerpoint presentation will prove that oil drilling actually reduces ozone problem by balancing the distribution of various non-carcinogenic side products produced by drilling. End with short video of Arab dressed in full bedouin regalia laughing and mockingly pointing at camera while drinking large glass of fresh oil.