DICK CHENEY lectures on "Civility in American Politics" (Note: urge networks to use 15 second delay just in case he tells Democrats to 'go fuck yourself'. If that's not possible, have them get in touch with Justene at BLOGCRITICS.org and have her trigger finger surgically attached to the 'delete' button.)

All-Hispanic Choir sings "God Bless America" (in ENGLISH only, goddammit! This is a "One Language Under God" nation!) (Note: make sure the choir returns to their convention center janitorial jobs before lights-out! And don't let them steal their gowns, they're known for that kind of thing!)

RUSH LIMBAUGH gives an update on Bush's success in "The War on Drugs". Also points out that Afghanistan is so safe that he'll volunteer to go there to do inventory of current poppy crop. (Note: He's scheduled so early because he has to return to rehab by 9:00 p.m.)

LAURA INGRAHAM, author of "Shut Up and Sing" gives speech on the evil, unfair influence and advantage of Hollywood liberals in the American political process.

LAURA INGRAHAM then introduces Republican Governor Arnold Schwartzenegger... of Hollywood.

The "GOVERNATOR" gives speech entitled, "Republican Inclusiveness and the Role of Women in the GOP" (Editing Note: please have him change "grope and fondle" to "reach out to...") (Note to Convention Security: Keep him away from the Bush twins!)

NEWT GINGRICH gives speech entitled "Maintaining the Sacred Sanctity of Marriage" (Note: can we find alternative seating for his fourth wife somewhere off-stage?)

All-Asian Choir sings, "God Bless America" while bowing and kowtowing in time to the music.

FILM PRESENTATION: show 5 minute clip of George W. Bush landing on USS Lincoln in flight suit. (Note: please digitally remove the "Mission Accomplished" banner in the background.) Add collage of "Dead or Alive" speech, and "Bring 'em on!" remarks. (Note: do we have rights secured for Morricone soundtrack to "The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly" yet? If problem, try for "High Noon" or "Star Wars Theme" — John Williams? On our side, or just another fag Hollywood composer?)

All-Jewish Choir sings "God Bless America" lyrics to "Hava-Nageelah" music performed by The Wolfowitz Family Band, featuring Paul on the Freshly Licked Comb.

Commercial Break: 30 minute program of 1 minute video spots provided by the Pharmaceutical Industry, the NRA, HMO Administrator's Association, Exxon/Mobil, Wal-Mart, CityBank, NYSE, Halliburton, ClearChannel, Disney, Shearson-Lehman Brothers, et. al.

Light-Hearted Funny Musical Skit with entire Supreme Court singing, "I Got No Strings" from Disney's Pinnocchio, with choreography by Dick Cheney, Jeb Bush, and Oil Industry representatives.

POPE JOHN is lowered onto stage on a wheelchair atop a gigantic, winged canned ham; he performs medieval ceremony that canonizes the late Ronald Reagen as the Patron Saint of Naps; then lip-syncs a pre-recorded speech warning against the evils of feminism, abortion, working moms, birth control pills, women who vote — and how uppity women are destroying the value of the nuclear family. He wraps it up by asserting that an entire life spent living among brooding closeted homosexual men, an 80-some odd year celibacy, and the fact that he's never been within spitting distance of a woman OR a nuclear family gives him a huge amount of authority to scold the world concerning women and their families. (NOTE to TV camerman: on closeups, the proper "dutch angle" will make the pope's tilted head appear to be perpendicular to the floor. Thanks in advance.)