8:54 pm - Michigan Lady says she had never heard that song before. I draw blood with another pin sticking.

9:02 pm - They are playing "Celebrate" over the loud speakers... again... I think it's because it's the only song White people can dance too. Our friend Pete dances. Pin Stick number 4!

9:07 pm - Alexandra Kerry tells us twice that her dad is 6'4" tall. Is that with or without the hair?

9:10 pm - Vanessa Kerry talks about her dad giving mouth-to-mouth to the family hamster. Great. We've got the bestiality vote sewn up!

9:26 pm - I nearly wet myself. I got a sign to wave. It says "Veterans for Kerry." I will wave mine for Max Cleland if he has to scratch his butt or something.

9:27 pm - Speaking of wetting, I've got to take a leak... but I am trapped here. I want to call my buddy Karl the Pilot. He showed me the little tubes pilots can use to pee into when they are in a small plane. He told me they work on suction. I think the interns at this convention do too.

9:36 pm - They are showing still images of Republican voters on the big screen. At the height of the dramatic music, they write "Voting for Kerry in 2004!" I think it should say "CAPTURED!"

9:45 pm - It's Max Cleland. I wave my sign. I saw him on Sunday night at Fenway. He was playing third base.

10:00 pm - John Kerry takes the stage. He's like 6'4"! I see no traces of hamster fur on his lips.

10:02 pm - Kerry says "I am John Kerry and you're not!" Okay, not really. Instead he says "I am reporting for duty." He salutes and I can't stop envisioning Benny Hill. God rest his chubby, perverted soul!

10:06 pm - Kerry promises to "restore trust and credibility to the White House." How about a little curb appeal too? Maybe some yellow paint and nice blue shutters... and some hydrangeas. Hydrangeas are nice... if you put a rusted nail in the soil around them you can change their color. We could have red ones for when a Republican is in office and blue ones for the Dems.

10:08 pm - Benny Kerry wants an Attorney General that upholds the Constitution. I would like a Surgeon General who actually does operations on C-SPAN.

10:17 pm - John knows what kids go through when they carry an M-16 through a dangerous place... he's been to South Central LA.

10:29 pm - He just used the word "equivocate." W. is looking for his Funk and Wagnall's. Okay. He's had it out since Kerry said "the."