Here are my running and rambling notes from the Democratic National Convention last night. I thought I was actually going to a Bruins' game but realized my error when I saw that they were using the Zamboni to block terrorists from the Premium Seats Men's room.

4:30 pm - The first thing I scout out when we get inside is where I can buy booze. Guess what? I can't. How freakin' un-Democratic is that!

5:15 pm - Some one hands me a Kerry / Planned Parenthood button. Jenga warns me not to wear it in public. People get really nasty about those things she says. I don't worry. I just tell those people that they are the reason for birth control. If their mother's had used it, I wouldn't have to listen to their annoying crap.

6:24 pm - Mid-way through my quest to get on the Floor, my phone rings. It's Jenga warning me again. Some guy told Cole that if we are not in our seats by 6:30 we will lose them. I add to my list of people who need to be stuck with the sharp, pointy side of my Planned Parenthood button.

7:12 pm - Okay, now what? A bunch of people keep prancing up and down the stage promoting John Kerry. I am cramping up from sitting in this tiny seat. I long for Catholic Mass. At least there you got to stand up and sit down a few times... I used it as my exercise before I stopped believing in God. Now God is making me fat.

7:49 pm - I am seated next to a middle-aged woman from Michigan who keeps tapping me on the shoulder and asking me to hold things for her. I stick her with my Planned Parenthood pin.

7:50 pm - Lieberman speaks. I leave to go nosh. I see my friend Traci has followed. She beats me to it when she says "That guy is a Republican."

7:59 pm - Just learned that one of our group, who is sitting next to me, is from Canada. What the hell is she doing here? I alert the local authorities to suspicious activity. She thought it was for a Bruins' game too, eh.

8-something-ish pm - Willie Nelson is singing. Had I known he was here I could have scored some weed.

8:30 pm - I see people on the Floor are getting signs to hold. I want a sign. I will hold my breath if I don't get one. Conventions are all about free shit.

8:50 pm - Carole King comes on stage to sing "You've Got a Friend." Having a child I think it's going to be the Randy Newman song from "Toy Story."