Shark, nothing to say but: friggin' hil-AR-ious. I'd quote my favorite lines, but there are too many.

Shark, you are a genius. Every detail hit me, especially the prison stock dump and the editor's note. I don't know how to ping, but I will link it.

[edited] But seriously. What they did to Martha they can do to you. And thousands just like you who may, or may NOT have committed an actual crime. Martha, it was established and will be be revealed on appeal, is innocent. The prosecutors are guilty. That this is legal and encouraged by our criminal justice system is the issue. Not that it's funny.

Shark, if I weren't so tired I'd duel you, but it's past noon and time for bed, so I'll leave it to you and the butch and old dirtgrain to hammer out something a little bit funnier and a little more acceptable to my newly created Save the Martha Stewart Fund, the motto of which, so far, is, Martha! Martha! Martha! I'll write when I get more.

very funny and clever but also shows why Stewart is admired by so many who also dislike her: that she would pu tso much time and effort into such quotidian concerns shows a certain nobility

Funny as all hell,Shark.Bonus points fer
plugging Jack Henry Abbott's book. B+

Babe, love the treatment, I think we can get HBO for a deal, let's call it "MOZ", if we can get Larry David to play her lawyer, and what do you think about Jennifer Love Hewitt to play Martha?

If HBO balks we'll just ankle over to WB, they're desperate -- though we'd have to dump JLH, too old, what do you think about Ashley? She'd be perfecto, and could tap into the whole M-K thing.

Fisher: "Shark, eat shit and die. (just kidding) But seriously. What they did to Martha they can do to you."

1) No they can't. Shark lost his life savings thanks to Enron -- and is no longer able to buy stocks. Besides, the only inside info I get is bad.

2) As I've stated before, when faced with a decision to take advantage of a potentially illegal and unethical situation, Martha could have said the all-too-rare, "NO." (I do it all the time, but then again, I still own the deed to my soul and am able to sleep at night.)

3) What's really funny is that if I wrote what Fisher wrote above, Justene the Censor would pull my post before breakfast. Shes such a fucking *______. ("Just kidding.")


*[Deleted: Shark now self-censoring his own posts in order to deprive Justene just a smidgen of perverse pleasure]

Jim, thanks for the notes.

I see Ellen Burstyn as Stewart.

Or maybe Kathy Bates. They'd both come cheap.

Her lawyer could be be Louie Anderson. (Is he still alive?)

Saxton, re.

Jack Henry Abbot -

Boy, there's a literary 'Trivial Pursuit' question, eh?

And did you know that during his short tenure as "Talent Scout", Norman Mailer got a young Jeffry Daumer an audition on "Iron Chef"?!

Ah, Fortuna is a bitch!

I just dropped by to turn off the italics when I saw this:

3) What's really funny is that if I wrote what Fisher wrote above, Justene the Censor would pull my post before breakfast. Shes such a (deleted) *______. ("Just kidding.")

You don't expect me to review all these comments *after* breakfast, do you? I removed the original per request. If earthlink accepted mail from yahoo, I'd email Shark and explain why CW's comment got through (after some consideration) but I won't burden the board. I note that Shark's comment on the Apologies post also got through for about the same reason, so it is not commenter related.

Justene, jeesus h. christ on a bicycle!

I didn't want you to delete Fisher's line!

My point was that SOMEONE with intelligence and a tiny sense of humor might be better able to discern the sometimes subtle difference between a "personal insult" and a literary/poetic device meant as amusement, irony, or the sardonic.

You apparently ain't that person, but that's okay; the site is clean and spiffy and it's become one big milquetoasty flavored lovefest.

PS: I still think you're a *_______.


*[Deleted: Shark self-censoring his own posts in order to deprive Justene just a smidgen of perverse pleasure]

Curt, re. Martha's persecution/prosecution:

man, I almost squirted a few for her just now

...but then I remembered that if some minority had stolen a $20 stereo out of a parked car, he's be doing 3-5 years in a maximum security prison.

Fuck her and her fellow white collar criminals.

Shark, darling, I didn't want to delete it either. Fisher asked that the be deleted and I did. I left it in all the other notes. I'm surprised that you do not see the amusement, irony, or the sardonic in that. I provided some explanation so you know that the original failure to delete was intentional. I have faith you'll catch on to the fact that I do have humor. It's just more subtle than you think.

I can't imagine that the public meta-comments to Justene are particularly interesting or meaningful to our readers.

Mary Walsh used to do a brilliant parody of Martha on "This Hour Has 22 Minutes" on the CBC, called "Weekends With Martha Stewart" with tips on bobbing for apples (take a large crystal bowl, fill it with gin, put in a few apples, and drink all the gin).

As for the Kathy Bates suggestion, since she has directed several episodes of "OZ", she'd be great - easily as good as Albert Brookes as a white collar perp in "Out of Sight". But it wouldn't fly on teevee, where they take "Don't hire anybody over 30" to heart.

Martha is gonna come out of prision even more ruthless. My money is on that mean bitch to kick the shit out of another inmate if she's fucked with. She'll probably be doing shows down the road on how to make wine from grape jelly and the yeast from her bread. I'd bet she could create some nice prision daggers and shanks.

Holy moly, what a piece of work. Shark, wuzup, this was one of the best things I've read in minutes!

This whole 10,000,000 thing has got me reading some wonderful stuff, but this post is on a different level. Sadly, I arrived too late to BC to catch it live back when.

Fuck!

Please do more.

Bennett

Bennett, thanks, man, I needed that.

That was written way back when I still thought the world was funny.

Thanks to Iraq -- Bush Version 2.0, etc. etc. -- I'm having a bit o' writer's block lately.


Try this, amigo!

(Sadly, the one on Iraq is even more relevant than it was then...)

You deserve massive praise, Shark. I reread this in the AM and almost fell off my chair.

"I vant to be alone"

Oh man, what a perfect capture.

You've written passionately, bravely, about issues guaranteed to have a whole slew of folks shooting big guns right at your heart.

I admire that, but I do understand how it can sap one's creative strength after a while.

So, here's lifting a 12 oz anybeerbutbud in your direction in the hope that the rivers of creativity flow everlasting through your premium gray matter.

Thanks.

wow and eww urine into glass cleaner??????!

i can picture Martha in an epic movie as ruthless queen of a Pacific island riding on back of a wild animal brandishing her whip. she has all money in the world-- not interested in sex. she desires POWER