I have tension headaches or migraines...

All the time. Very painful. But it's nothing a handful of aspirin, or one well placed bullet, can't fix.

I feel stiff or achy in my joints, especially in the morning...

"Stiff and Achy" is more or less my motto and way of life.

I sometimes feel overwhelmed or just not myself...

I can't even answer this one. Too overwhelming. I don't even have the energy to try.

Next... What Demands I'm Making of My Body -

Are you being treated for any disease or serious condition?

Not currently; but suspect I'll be treated for menopause quite soon, thank you very much.

Is your work a source of stress for you?

It's work. Duh!

Do you skip meals or follow popular diet plans?

I often skip meals. Or, as I call it, "forgetting to eat." As for popular diets, is fast food considered a "popular diet"? If so, then the answer is a resounding YES.

Do you feel overscheduled and rushed?

What's with all the rapid-fire questioning here? Slow down already!

Are you taking more than one prescription medication?

God, I only wish.

Do you experience a lot of conflict or stress in your relationships?

Only when it gets to the point at which the relationship blows up in my face. So I guess you could say I have "a lot of conflict and stress" at regular intervals... but, otherwise, it's all good.

Do you have caffeine or soft drinks more than once a day?

Not since I started having hot flashes, I don't. I'm no fool.

Have you experienced a major trauma or loss in the last 5 years?

Yeah... it's call "living life". Look it up, pal.

There were some more questions, but I won't bore you with the gory details. Suffice to say, in the end I was rated as being at "Very Severe" risk for menopause.

And it didn't help when I called a gynecologist's office and the receptionist laughed at me.

"But I have the symptoms," I stammered,"and my profile indicates I'm at very severe risk..." before breaking into tears.

If there's a silver lining in all this, I guess it would be... I can have sex without the fear of anybody getting pregnant.

Now, if you'll excuse me, it's time to go cry myself to sleep. I need my four hours, so I can wake up stiff and achy in the morning.