I was out and about downtown a few evenings back when I stopped in at my favorite coffeehouse and got myself a hot cup of java to go.

No sooner had I continued on my jaunt when I started having hot flashes.

Could it merely be July's balmy 99-degree nighttime temperatures in Phoenix combined with hot coffee — or was it something else?

That's when a friend commented, "Maybe it's menopause, dude!"

That was enough to send me into an emotional tailspin I have yet to recover from. I now find myself crying uncontrollably for absolutely no good reason. Oh sweet Jesus, I'm only in my 30s! And a man! Could it really be menopause? Stranger things have happened, you know. The human body is tricky business and doctors don't know everything.

I knew I needed medical answers, but fast, so went to the most reliable source I know:

The Internet.

After polishing off a gallon of Cherry Garcia ice cream, I logged onto womentowomen.com and took the "Hormonal Health Profile" in order to rule out this menopause thing once and for all.

First, What My Body Was Telling Me -

I have hot flashes or night sweats...

What do you think started this whole business? And if I wasn't sweating before, I am now.

I have insomnia or disturbed sleep...

If I can sleep four hours straight, I'm lucky. I find I've been sleeping even less since this menopause business came up.

I feel very tired, especially in the afternoon...

Only when I'm not napping.

I am irritable, sad or depressed...

Please, don't get me started again. I'm barely maintaining now and don't need a statement like this — it only upsets me further.

I feel that I've gained weight compared to last year...

I know, for a fact, I've gained at least 5 pounds in the last year. Give or take a few pounds.

My interest in sex isn't what it used to be...

Interest? It's been so long, I'd be happy to just remember sex much less show an interest.

I crave sweets, carbohydrates or alcohol...

Im to drnk to ty pe write nOW and too BUsY eyeing that boX of chocolates. Let me gt back to u on this ONe.

I suffer from vaginal dryness...

Finally, a "no" answer! Woo-hoo! There's still hope!

I am forgetful, fuzzy-minded or confused...

I'm sorry, what was that statement again?

I am anxious or have anxiety attacks...

What if this quiz indicates I'm menopausal? Holy crap, what will I do then? Like I don't have enough to worry about! Please God please... help me.